I had a not so great conversation at work today with my boss, and I end up crying on the phone to Christine for no good reason except to vent. I just want to vent.
Yesterday at my session with TK, the ex came up. A lot. I don't write about him much because he's an ex. And he broke my heart, and energetically he is still around and I can't shake him. So maybe, just maybe, if I am honest and tell you, then his energy will go away.
I am going to journal about him first. As honestly and completely as I can, not smoothing over anything. And pray for health and help for him. Or else TK is going to kick his energetic ass.
I love being back in session with TK. He's good-- multidimensional therapy. It's a lot of different modalities that kick my butt and make me laugh and cry and kick my feet. Can't really google multi-dimensional therapy. You just have to be there and it happens.
I went to the gym tonight. 30 mins of treadmill walking. During the Biggest Loser-- I love that show. Now I'll walk with them and not sit on my couch smoking/eating and judging. I'll be right there with them, with the help of my internal re-org. Ha ha!
This is the first time I have been to the gym in a long while. After 5 mins of uncomfortable, it was fine. I have to remember it is always fine. Everyone is looking, but no one is really looking. For now it's just walking, but soon it will be more.
Angry angry angry. I want to go back and never have met the ex-- knowing that was a slippery slope to go down. I want to be open and loving, and am still hanging onto his faults because I want to crucify him over and over. I want a relationship, and yet I hang onto this one because I can prove "I am not worth it-- see even he though so-- he married someone 6 months after we broke up and I still tried to be friends with him. He replaced me. I am not worth it."
I am so fucking worth it. I don't believe that fully yet, but godamn it, when I do fucking watch out.
I am agry that I can't eat this away, drink it away or smoke it away. Thank god for small little things like taking care of myself. Otherwise I would be sitting behind a plate of food with a side of Parliment lights for the week.
Okay, not so angry anymore. Thanks.
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4 comments:
It's great that you are working on building a walking habit so early. It WILL pay off for you! And activity helps with the stress issues too. I've started a workout with TONS on my mind and I come out focused and relaxed and feeling so much better.
It's just a better way to live....
Dagny
The anger can become really hard to reconcile.. especially during those early post-op days when those things we've used in the past to deal have been stripped from us. Some days when I'm angry or sad or affected in some negative way, I'll sit and just be PISSED OFF that I don't have my old food crutch to lean on. Recently bf and I were in a restaurant and I was upset about something.. something to do with my father.. and I stared at the man at the next table eating a big cheeseburger. I got so furious and upset that I couldn't wrap my face around a big cheesy burger at that moment. I had to walk outside and get some air.
It sounds like you're working with a wonderful therapist. He (or she?) will help you through this part. Just keep talking.
EX's suck......no way around it.. they screw us up.... they forever change us. Sounds like you are on the right track though because YOU ARE CHANGING...... for the better.
and BTW... awesome idea to spend time at the gym while watching Biggest Loser... I may have to try it next week.... GO BLACK TEAM!
I feel ya on the ex-energy clinging. Ohhhhh good god do I feel ya on that. 1 year post-break-up, mine recently asked me for help with a big decision. Turns out the big decision he wanted my help with was whether or not he should have kids with The Love Of His Life, His Soulmate, The One, who he's been dating since March. He "never believed in soulmate until he met her". He and I were together for FIVE YEARS. I wish I didn't know that the man who I thought I'd be with for life found somebody he deems a million times better than me just 6 months after dumping me. Compared to the way he treats Jessica, he really treated me like shit. His words. Uggggghhhhh.
Maybe some kickboxing is in order? Visualize his face on the bag?
I wish I could be angrier at my ex, instead of just feeling so hurt. I think angry would be healthier...
{{hugs}}
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