The Little Engine That Could

Monday, June 08, 2009

Monday begins anew

Yesterday was awesome. Backyard barbeque after a baptism, delicious charred meat and oodles of wine. Then home to sleep after watching the Tonys (or part of). Nice job.

Today I weigh 274.9.

Today I am doing a little clutter clearing-- I am playing a game called "A job by my birthday" which is June 14. This coming Sunday. Although there are a couple prospects, the real game is playing like I start work on June 15, and get bills and household stuff in order on my "last full week off". That way, there is nothing in the way after my birthday to find a job, interview or anything else that I might want to accomplish. No, "I really should do X".

What I would like is to create a position that would allow me to take a week before I started and head to CA to see family and friends. Take vacation, per se. Even the unemployed need some time away.

So, 274.9. That seems like a great number to start at. My new number. I am not running from it, I am running to health, vitality and peace. I am running towards unstoppable. I have a goal, 225 by Thanksgiving, which is 24 weeks away. A completely do-able goal. The bonus opportunity is that during this 24 week journey, I write at least once a week, journal 2 times a week and check in with myself every Monday morning as a temperature gauge. Other things that might help me along the way-- Weight Watchers/ OA/ Support Group/ Therapy.

Right now, I wear a woman's 18 at Kohl's (so 18W) and an X-Large shirt (a 1X fits a little looser from the plus department). My goal is to be entirely in the straight sizes by Thanksgiving-- a size 14 pant (not 14 W) and X-Large or L shirt. I want to purchase (or at least have the opportunity to purchase) a dress off the rack from Ann Taylor/ Banana Republic/ J Crew in a 14.

Just as a starting point. Thanks Mama of the Melts for the marathon anaology. That guy is in my city and I did my pre-op counselling with him. Its a reminder that going back to him would be a fantastic idea. It's a lifetime marathon-- there is not the room to sit on the sidelines and cheer, now is the time to get on the road and pound it out.

Much love.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Getting Unstuck

I took part of a very cool class over the weekend that I had done before (the Landmark Forum). I only took a part of it (which is not recommended) because I have some family obligations that I have to take care of, but the part that I needed some review with. Since 2002 I have been involved with Landmark, either coaching programs or being a participant in communications courses, the curriculum for living, seminars, etc. I can't say "it gave me my life" like some people do, but it really has given me a way to look at my life that has me be unstuck in all areas, if I choose to. This is the key.

So, there I am sitting in the Landmark Forum (which if you know, is a total feat for me. I hate being a participant, I hate the idea that for the next 3 days I am going to be sharing about my life with people I don't know, and then go out into my life and share with people I love about where I have been slimy or icky and then create something new. I like the creating something new, but I'd rather be a coach than a participant), and I am thinking about my life. Mainly about surgery, and the impact it has on me. From previous posts, you might understand that I have had it that I am stuck. Well here I am unsticking myself.

The what happened of my situation-- the bare bones-- is that I was grossly obese, 388 pounds at my highest (of record). I wore pants I had to order on the Internet, I lived in yoga pants and tank tops-- I had three pairs of the exact same stretchy work pants. I ate thousands of calories every day, smoked at least a pack a day, and delivery men knew who I was outside of deliveries (I once ran into a man in Manhattan who smiled and said "2R" which is my apartment number. I had no idea who he was until that night when I ordered a "snack" of a turkey sandwich, pint of ice cream and pack of cigarettes. Then I realized, he's my delivery guy from the deli.) I did not exercise except for the random yoga classes or treadmill adventures-- every now and again I would take walks. When I went to friend's places, I would sit in chairs with no arms and on sturdy furniture to make sure I wouldn't fall or break stuff. No one ever talked about my weight, except when I brought it up. I tried to diet, reducing calories, eating Atkins style, eating low fat, going on Weight Watchers-- and was usually great for a couple weeks. Then I would get some success, and then go back to old habits one by one.

My mom had surgery in 2007 in Jan. She was a different person, she lost so much weight and became my beautiful little mommy. I wanted that. I quit smoking in Jan 2007, and then had surgery Aug 2007. I lost 80 pounds by Christmas, and by June of 2008 I had lost 126 pounds. And then I met James and have been in an amazing intimate long term relationship for over a year. The first one of my life.

Just prior to meeting him, I smoked in Mexico and came back with that habit. And he smoked-- so it was okay for me to do that. And he's a bit of a big guy, so eating a little more was okay-- he likes curvy and soft. And for a year I haven't lost a pound. In fact, I have gained 10.
"But my body's changing and I look thinner!SO.
"But I am happier and have a boyfriend!" SO
"But I exercise more and am more active!" SO

I learned that I don't dump on sugar or fat, I can eat a waffle with syrup and butter and have a loaf of bread on the side with no issue except sleepy-- very sleepy. I can eat ice cream cones and strawberry jam and frosty's and milkshakes and cheeseburgers with buns and fries with ranch and and and and and......

I can do exactly what I did before and expect to get a different result. Ummm, that is the definition of insanity.

So here I am, sitting in that room, looking at myself. Coming clean. NO EXCUSES. Nothing is bad, nothing is wrong, it just is what it is. I realize (like past posts) that I am so afraid of going all out and failing that instead I put up insipid roadblocks to lose. Because if I went all out and failed, I would be devastated (what would others think of me), and I would have proof that I am not worth it and a failure. But with these roadblocks (one ice cream won't hurt, it's a small fry, only a glass of wine) plus lack of exercise (too busy, depressed, the gym will be too crowded) I am effectively committed to being overweight.

Committed, you say--- well yes. Look at what you have in your life, and that's what you are committed to. I say I want to be healthy, and yet, I buy cookies and don't exercise. I say I want to be an athlete, and yet I am the Olympic champion of Law and Order watching.

Nothing is bad, nothing is wrong, it just is what it is. I am still relating to myself as the six year old girl who's brother got fruit pies in his lunch when she got fruit. I am still letting that 6 year old run my life every time I let myself have a cookie or talk myself into a dessert or a bag of fries.

I have no plan, no regime, other than possibility. I am the possibility of being unstoppable. Nothing gets in my way, and if I stop myself, i remember what I am committed to.
And my committment.....

I am still working on that one. I know it has something to do with health, fitness, vitality, coaching, inspiration and getting what you want from life, but am still in the inquiry. For today, I am committed to living powerully and honoring my body and mind as the gifts that they are.

Unstuck-- yup. Today is a bright sunshiney day.