The Little Engine That Could

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Big Girl on Karma

I have information. That's the business I am in, and I have information on friends, family, and acquaintances. Most times, it's just information, a way to know someone better, to get inside their head, to know what it is to have their life, etc. Sometimes it's good information (birthday's, first boyfriends, the town where they grew up) and sometimes its interesting (the sexcapades of various friends, former lives as a Goth, nerd or baby Christian), and sometimes it could be harmful if it got out based on their lives.

So with this information, what do I do with it? Nothing really, just data stored in a place that could be swept away with one car accident or fall and bump on the head.

Then today, I made a decision. I have an ex that is trying to be a pillar of society, but their past is something left to be desired. A newspaper article from years ago came across my desk, and I reached out to the author. Well, not really. I started to write an email to the author that could bring this person down, just for a good story. Before I hit send, I thought, what could happen? A great story, but someone's (and actually many someone's) lives could be torn apart. The rebuilding effort would be enormous, and they would probably have to answer to the authorities, their reputation tarnished, and havoc would begin for friends, family, business acquaintances, and I may get drawn into it. I don't agree with them trying to be a pillar of society, and think what they are doing is wrong, but had to stop to ask if I was getting even for a wrong they had done me, or if I was generally concerned.

I was trying to right a wrong.

I sat before I hit send, and said out loud, Karma's a bitch, watch out. Then deleted the message. I don't want them to have to go through the havoc I would reek by sending an email. They are truly trying to start over, and I would diminish it just because I can. Because I have power, and am exerting it over them. I don't want to be that person. If I had such a problem with them, I can give it up, let it go, and release it back into the universe, instead of feeding it.

So, Karma's a bitch, and this time I didn't do something that may come back to haunt me. For my sake, for their sake, for all our sakes.

Tough decision, but I think revenge is a bad place to come from this time around. Karma will get you, and instead, I write this nice letter, rip up the article and never think on it again.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Big Girl on Adventure- Nashville

Last night D. called and we caught up on months and months of news. For her, a new life, a new city, and the expection of success, becoming who she was once again. She said 'It's like dusting off that old person, the one you have always wanted to be, and possibly were for a while and saying "Hey, I know you." It feels good."

Yes it does, sister.

She was asking if I was journalling all my travels and new experiences, as D. loves to read what I write. She thinks I am a great writer, I think I am an okay writer who happens to be funny. But this is an homage at her request.

The first trip I took this year for my job was Nashville. For two weeks I learned everything I could about the city. "The Athens of the South" the first de-segregated school system in TN, the heart of country music. I am a huge country music fan, from the days of dancing with Grampa in his bar, two stepping our way across the dance floor to the sounds of Patsy, Johnny and the like. It always brings me back to a quieter time. Also, Garth Brooks, what a cutie. My first real crush as a teenager.

Nashville was beautiful and sad at the same time. The locals tried to show me the "upscale" Nashville, nice restaurants, great neighborhoods. Here's the problem, I live in NYC, I know great food, I know classy joints, and I wanted to see nashville, country line dancing, cowboys that are trying to get a record deal, and $1.00 beers. I didn't want to be a local, I wanted to be a tourist, hear some music, by an unknown, wear a cowboy hat, put on too much makeup and laugh out loud. I went out one night late to Rippy's, a famous BBQ and music joint, and sat in the back, eating my sandwich, smoking Parliments, and watching the men.

The men. Big guys, big smiles, men who can twirl you around on a dance floor as easy as anything with no pretense of anything but a dance. I sat, and of course met the few gay men in town, who happened to buy me a beer, swing me around on the dance floor, and smoke some of my cigarettes. Even in Nashville, the fags can seek me out.

On my last night there, I had invited MT's old friend to meet me for shopping and dinner. It happened to also be in the midst of a severe storm. She showed up at the hotel, we smoked cigarette after cigarette listening to the news about the tornado that was coming. The loudspeaker came on, warning everyone to step away from the windows and go into an interior hallway or bathtub until the tornado passed. I sat on the bed, curtains flung open, waiting to see the funnel cloud that never appeared. The hail was golf ball sized, but still no funnel cloud. The tornado hit East Nashville, less than a mile away, destroying homes and businesses, but again, I saw no funnel cloud. I hope I never have to either. We went to dinner, talked about MT, and the end of our relationship, and I said goodbye... to a whole life that I never would know. No funnel clouds, no strange and interesting people connected to MT.

A month later, I went back for the conference. It really was an amazing time-- and well recieved. On one night, after cocktails, the whole bus wanted to go wherever I was taking them, and I took them to Rippy's. No dancing that night, however, great food, lots of laughter, and good times. I found out that later part of the contigency that had gone out drinking, ended up on the ground floor of the hotel finishing off their little bottles of Jack, barely making it to the workshop the next day. Most others just reeked of the alcohol that had downed in copious amounts the night before.

Nashville, I'd go back. I wouldn't live there, but I would sit for a spell.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Big Girl Dances

Yep, she dances.

J. told me that if I would get up on a table and bellydance, then she would consider going to a restaurant for a conference that is a little out of the price range. What she doesn't know is my belly is my greatest asset. Not my best, mind you, but my greatest.

First, it is large and round and I spend a lot of time fighting with it. It disagrees with me often (these pants are too tight, I can't breathe, and keep away that guy away), but my belly is a good friend to me. She is soft and round and moves, sometime too much for my taste, but she, like me, wants to be seen and watched. She protects me from unwanted, unsolicited attention, and keeps me warm. I always have something to hug.

Second, she loves to dance. With her friend, hips and butt, she shakes and shimmies and loves to move.

I started bellydancing years ago in high school, and although I am not very good at it, I love it. It is freedom, being sensual without being sexual, expression beyond compare. With arms and eyes, bellydancing is a very long invitation to wonder what, and if, life would be like if I was truly free to be expressed all the time.

Now, getting up on a table and doing it might be too much to bear. But still, how fun.....

Big Girl on her other blog

I spent time writing in another space, one that held me through some tough times. I wanted to share the squishier side of me, the side that is not so rough and tumble. And I wanted to get away from having many many blogs, so it's now all in one.....

Hmm, I like it more.


On the way to happily ever after, there are always a few bumps in the road. Most specifically, having a partner to share in the dream of happily ever after. But it doesn't have to be a dream, right.

I went out with C. the other night, and we made a pact to stop living practice lives-- or saving things for "maybe someday but not now" pile. That's where I have lived most of my life-- maybe someday for me, but not now. Not now for a relationship, not now for the awesome job, not now for the apartment I can be proud of, not now for meeting up with people I love to hang out and be together.

With this new career, I have to live in the now, and take care of things in the now. This feels great! To use my skills, my brain, my life in a way that has me feel taken care of and that I feel like I am learning something, and doing good. Instead of being smart, I can see that others expect it of me, and I rise to the challenge, and I am well liked and respected.

So in one area of my life, I am becoming more fufilled than I thought possible. Yes, around 4:30 on Friday I start to see the slump of the weekend, not sharing with that partner I'd like to be with, the imaginary boyfriend who will shire me away to our apartment and have the weekend to ourselves, sharing the city and each other's company until it is almost too much to bear. I want that.

I don't have that yet. What I have is NY Times online reading to do and learning about what it is I am here for. The creator put me on the Earth for something majestic, and it's up to me to keep following my instincts to what that is.....

Back to the non-practice life. I smiled at a man on the subway, he gave me his seat. Next day, same man, same smile, same seat. Unprecedented. That has never happened before. And being honest with MT-- saying what is so for me, and deepening friendship. Even when what it so is sadness, a wave of depression, I just rode it out, went to bed and woke up clearer, invigorated, and looking to express myself.

One step in being in the game, and not the practice is to get out and meet men. It doesn't matter who, just to meet, have small talk, flirt. Open myself up, get hurt if need be, and live. Another step is to create the day I want to have.

I create my day to be glorious. To be fufilled in every aspect, using my heart, mind and soul to touch others in a way that leaves them inspired. To honor those around me for their gifts, and to honor what I do not know will come. I will tread lightly, listen more, and be someone who is expressed and loved. If my day is going my way, the universe will show me signs that I am fufilled.

That oughta do it.

posted by Kim @ 8:06 AM 0 comments

Monday, April 24, 2006


I have started thinking about dating again. I really hate the getting to know you period, I tend to ask a lot of questions, because I am getting the context to frame this stranger who sits in front of me.
Where they a good kid, or kind of a mess up?
Do they have a relationship with their family?
What about college, for them? Not for them?
Do they like their life, their job, their apartment, their friends?
What do they want out of life, what's their mark they want to leave?

Yah, just a bit intimidating.
I tend to be an information gather-er-- looking for interesting bits and pieces that make up the mosaic of the man in front of me. When I was with MT, and engaged, there was a moment as I was in the car with an old friend who was driving me to the airport-- "Stay engaged for a year-- through all the seasons and you will know everything you need to make a decision." What a concept. There is no hiding anything after a year, it's just as it is. No one can keep up that face or front for a whole year, there will be fights, there will be tears, and you will understand the measure of the man you have chosen.

I think it's great advice.

Not that there was anything wrong-- but you really can see what it is you are getting into after a year. Every season turns, every person has their ups and downs, and it is how you can work through it together. With MT, there was a great amount of safety, I felt comfortable with him in most everything. A great man. Through the seasons, if we had stood the test of time, might have told a different story. Alas, not for me.

I'm kind of an open book. I share everything, hold back only what's necessary. Life's too short. However, I do not live in the past, reliving glory days. When the moment creeps up on me, then I reminiscence and move on. I like my life, there are some aspects maybe I would change, but overall, I'm a good kid, a good girl, that likes to live a little on the edge sometimes, but most nights, you'll find me surrounded by friends, laughing. I like that.

So, thinking about dating again. Hmmm. Ask more questions up front. That's what I am gonna do. Reserve judgment. Be honest with being uncomfortable. Laugh loudly. Kiss more. Kiss a lot more.

I love to kiss. I need to find a man to kiss me back. Now that would be nice.

posted by Kim @ 6:35 PM 0 comments

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Oh, by the way....

Yes, that's how it started. A new job has caused me to be out of touch in a lot of realms. So i come back from a late night party and call MT. Idle chit-chat, catching each other up on life. And then...

oh, by the way.

He and another are getting married. Soonish, and low key, but happily ever after. She'll be his wife, and he'll be her husband. And life works out again.

I am truly happy for him, it is what he wants, what he needs. What he truly desires, all strings attached, and firmly in place. And I am tiny bits of jealous, and that doesn't work-- like jealous it's so soon, jealous it's not me, jealous that it will never be me. She'll have him at her side. He will be at her side. And that's forever.

And slowly I heal from the most deliciously devasting relationship I have ever had.

I love him, and continue to do so. There is something that is magestic and magnetic about him, and the chemistry is palpable. I wish I could have been a better stronger woman for him, take him in regards to no obstacles, and love him with nothing in the way. But alas, it was not meant to be.

The good news is she is lovely and everything he could ever ask for, and she treats him well and loves him for everything he is and is not. And that is beautiful and perfect. I pray for her strength and beauty, her grace and generosity. I pray for their future together, growing, learning, shifting and changing. Becoming a family together, merging lives together, becoming one. For that, I send my prayers to the universe, and leave it in its hands to decide their fate.

Such is life.

So what does this mean for me? Nothing really. Just wistful moments on what could have been. Ahh, like that Tiffany song, a little cheesy, sentimental, and always on the radio when I least expect it, catching me in moments that has me shed a silent tear.

May the universe bless your paths together, may your happiness be his, and his happiness be yours, may your lives entertwine and create a mosaic, a tapestry of love, honor, respect and joy forever.

I am now going to take the silent moments of my emptiness for myself. Become the watcher, become the background, and create the day to uncover my love.

oh by the way, thank you for this final release. It brings me peace.

posted by Kim @ 12:03 PM 0 comments

Sunday, March 05, 2006

One day more.....

Yesterday I spent the day napping and thinking. Thinking about what I want, and what others think I need. I know I need to take better care of myself, to give me the love and affection I deserve, that I give generously to others. Not wanting to get up and take action quite yet.

One of the things I want to accomplish this year is becoming a non-smoker. I have said it for years, and something says now is the time. Now is all we have really. I know I hide away behind a smoke shield so I can keep people away, keep people from getting to me, from getting to physically close, and so I can be a whole unit unto myself. I am tired of it, and now is the time to break the habit.

Also, I want to be someone that takes care of herself, regardless of how it looks. For instance, exercise always feels so delicious, and yet I make excuses of why I do not do it. Why I eat a certain way when I know it could be just as easy to eat another way. And it is just about taking care of me, so I can be the best me I can be.

Dating, not even thinking about it. A prospect to play with, perhaps, but dating no. Still talking to MT, still have that going. I do love him, he opened me in a way to truly know myself but I feel like this too will fade because I am confused by it. I feel un-needed, and it has me question his intentions. Hmmm.

I get that I need to be needed in a relationship, whatever it is, because it puts me in action, into the doing of life. Being is the hard part.