The Little Engine That Could

Friday, July 28, 2006

Big Lives

Or big lies, whichever.....

This past month I have spent only a couple days at home, travelling to North Carolina, Miami, and then Mexico. Mexico City is truly a sight to be seen, beautiful in a dirty kind of way, not like NYC, where the smell hits you before the sights, but in a glorious time remembered kind of way.

And the people. Ahh, the people, kind, generous, sweet and funny. My Spanish is lacking, but I got to communicate in English with my travelling buddy, and now husband, A. Okay my kind of not really husband, like the other string of not really kind of men in my life, but worthwhile company and absolutely charming. And the best husband so far. He gave up so much of his time, and I repaid him with massages to his back and to his ego. Great guy, will make someone very happy one day.

Anyhow, back to this big life. The job is so much more than I ever expected, it is awesome and delightful and I get to travel and be important and have people cater to me. But in the quiet of night, in the morning hours I want to share it with someone. I get sad, and think about taking better care of myself, getting out there and dating again. Maybe I am ready, but right now, I don't feel it.

I don't want to get into yet another situation where the one I adore is a cross dresser, a felon, gay or otherwise unavailable. So my heart keeps getting protected. From life I guess, so I live big lives out in my work and become a character of myself. Without the ability to feel, searching for something that is larger than myself to put my love into.

What I do love is seeing the laughter I created out there in the world. That makes me happy, but alone. If I keep on this path, I will continue to be alone and not involved, making fun of anyone who crosses my path. I'll be Mame and not have anything to hold onto late into that splendid evening. Hmm. Okay time for a shift.

I do want to take care of myself better, be in the moment. So I will do that, be present for my glorious-ness, and let it shine. Live loudly as I wish, and keep quiet as I wish. Open myself to charing and asking for what I need. That should do it.

If not, cocktail hour is on me.