The Little Engine That Could

Friday, July 01, 2011

Life and Junk and Stuff

It's interesting how life changes. And so quickly too!

Today, 7 months pregnant. With another little big girl in a big city. Feeling incredibly healthy, albeit tired and a bit cranky, but in love.

In love with this new life I've created. James and I are stupidly and happily married and nesting, we may not always see eye to eye on everything, but we work through it together. Getting ready for our little girl to make her way into the world.

Life ain't bad.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Life changed


Yup, married.

10.30.10 in a beautiful church in Long Island, we said I do to each other and to living our lives together. Forever.

I realize so many things along the way.... who I am vs. who I was. I finally feel like I am living the life I was meant to live. I am healthy, I am happy (because, c'mon people, it's a choice), I am employed (full time as of June 1), and my family grew all in one day-- just by saying I do, I now have 34 new family members with brothers, sisters, neices and nephews.

The wedding was glorious. Every day should be so smooth.

One thing I realized is how important it is to blog. TO let people in on my life. For the two years I was consistent with writing, when I was going through the weight loss and the start of a new life, I was connected. I was able to be open and honest with everything that was going on. Now, I like to keep the truly special moments private. Between me and my beloved. I want the connection to him, but realize that others may need to know how to transition from "omigod I am losing weight/hair/ sizes/ friends" to "this tool is awesome and sometimes I use it for evil and not good".

People need to know about what happens year 3-7, when life happens and isn't all about the weightloss/ plastic surgery/ nasty protein shakes/ gym routines. When life takes on a new path, with new jobs, new living arrangements, new additions (god willing) and new habits.

I haven't quite decided what to do. This blog will always stay up. For newer folks, look back in June of 2007 and then go forward. That is the start of the journey, mind and body becoming more svelte. All the worries. All the questions. All the stuff that goes along with being a patient with no patience. Then see how life changes. Because life does come back, and you realize that you have had a great gift bestowed on you to make changes that will impact the rest of your life. But it happens slower, more fluid.

I'll post again. I'll write again, and will invite you along for the journey. It might not be for a while, and I am not entirely certain how, but I know I want to capture all that is rattling around in my brain.

I've missed you Big Girl, Big City. You were a very good friend and I've abandoned you. Although, still a big girl, I also realize I am much more than that. Big city, soon to leave but always close by. Thank you for being me, but I've come to realize you too were a persona. The me that is real underneath it all is quite sensitive, calm and is very very happy to not be travelling the world. Who loves coming home, cooking dinner, and spending the evening just getting house stuff done. Who is in love with someone who loves her more than she ever thought possible. Who is thinking of a future that is somewhat pickett fence crossed with intellectual pursuits.

I've also missed my connection to the community. My new job hasn't allowed for much surfing, so I've just recently started looking at old friends sites. I've always been a bit of a lurker...... so watch out.



Friday, May 07, 2010

What's Going On?

Hi there.

Remember me? Yeah, I'm the loud funny one in the back of the room that's been quiet for a while.

Here's a short update:

1) Plateau. Up and down. Hovering around a 110-120 pound weight loss
2) Beating myself up for it, should be more, should be more.
2a) Pursuant to 2-- Started enjoying way too much of the red vino.
3) Gain of 10 pounds.
5) Found and started new contract position paying almost a lot more than last position and make the exact same amount in a week on unemployment as I do in a day.
6) Red Vino, still bad.
7) Oh, quit smoking cold turkey.
8) Lost 9 pounds on Weight Watchers.
9) Still going to WW-- and to be honest, learning how to eat. How to be responsible with my food and track it all.
10) Going back to exercise as stress relief. This is an in progress. I haven't quite figured out a time that will work and so I keep plugging away.
11) Stopped blogging-- no reason. Also stopped Facebooking, emailing, myspacing and any other social media.

So there it is. 2+ years out of surgery and now is when I have to begin to use my pouch as a tool, not a crutch. When I have to make the choices to say yes to things that work for me-- protein-- and no to things that don't -- rice, bottles of wine, etc.

Small changes every day are making a difference. Saying no to the Thursday morning bagel and yes to hard boiled eggs seems to be working. Saying yes to fruit and no to massive amounts of bread feels good. My folks are on WW as well. My pop has lost 35 pounds, my mom has dropped about 20, James has lost 25, and me, well, I've lost 9. I could really beat myself up for it, but that just gets old.

I'm celebrating the victory of being a non-smoker. I'm celebrating the victory of being able to fit into clothes I have had for over two years. And I am celebrating the victory of being on the journey with eyes open. Because I could be committed to the struggle the drama the chaos. But instead, i'll be addicted to the changes to my life.

There is no finish line. Well, unless you count the big giant one in the sky. But even then, no not really.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Happy Day, Every Day

Today is Dr. Seuss' birthday. For a man that loved the extraordinary and looking at life through an upside down telescope, I re-type my favorite quote of all time.

"You know when you are in love
when you can't fall asleep
because reality is finally better than your dreams."

Ahh. I love that. Years ago I was desperately in love with a man who had no idea who I was. And I would write him poems and love songs, of course never actually presenting them to him, but writing them nonetheless. And in one of the poems I wrote about "falling asleep so we can be together" because I knew that the only place he and I would be together would be in my dreams.

The nice thing about unrequited love is that it has the same kind of emotional consistency as a spider bite. Some are allergic, and wow, there's lots of drama and wound tending and healing happening. It hurts, it's annoying, you garner sympathy for your sick state, and it seems like it will never heal. For others, it's a nasty little bump that itches and scabs over, and one day when you are out busy living your life, you remember that you have a spider bite and go looking for it, and it's no longer there. Or maybe it was on the other arm. Or perhaps it was just an ingrown hair. And you move on with your day, with that bite a faint memory.

I've had lots of spider bites in my time. Mostly just little annoying things that I get over when I am out living my life and decide to get up on any certain day and face reality. That this relationship isn't going anywhere, and although it's not made up in my head, it isn't what I have in my head-- it's more like a very close friendship that at times is awkwardly romantic, sexual, inappropriate, etc. Then I just stop obsessing or whatever I am doing (listening to ELO, watching Big Love, reading everything on astral projection, or any such nonsense that reminds me of said target of unrequited-ness). And I go out and live my life.

At some point after WLS I decided that I didn't want to let this time go by without sharing it with someone. I had spent a ton of time in reflection, by myself, in awesome hotels rooms around the world without anyone to call. Or text. Or even think of. For so long I kept that weight as a way to keep me away from people, a blanket of "go away" along with a smoke-screen of "no really, get out of here"-- all the while hoping that someone would see this rough diamond and call me his own.

So WLS ripped part of my blanket away, and I got out there and dated. And decided that being alone wasn't an option-- I wanted someone to share my life with. The good, the ugly, the confusing, the snotting and crying, the past the present and most definitely the future. I dated a couple different men, and although interesting, no connection that would be considered more than a spider bite.

Not that James was a knight in shining armor. I mean, let's face it-- he was in his mid-thirties, still living with his folks (and two younger brothers) and had worked at the same place his whole life. He had only traveled to Canada (before passports were necessary), thinks an expensive meal includes a beer that is more than $6.50, owns two suits, one pair of khakis, 18 pairs of light colored jeans, 4 pairs of white sneakers and one pair of big boy dress shoes that are a little uncomfortable. He can never explain what it is I do, even though I tell him all the time, and he is quiet and reserved to my loud and "hi, who are you".

Not a spider bite.

I'm not really sure where I am going with this post other than to proclaim that I have a really hard time falling asleep, because reality is better than my dreams. But I sleep best nuzzled in together with James, and I wake up best next to him.

And, thank you Dr. Seuss.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Almost a year

It's been almost a year since I was laid off.

I am having some sad days. Thinking about the grief I did not let myself feel, and then felt for months.
I spend a lot of time indoors, I mostly don't leave the apartment. Except to go to the grocery or the gym. The weekends are better, James is around and I love him so very much.

Life will get better, this I know. My life is more than losing weight, writing about losing weight, finding a job, writing about finding a job. I know it's just so much more than that.

I am totally going to have a pity party today. I deserve it. And then, gym tonight, work it out hard, then tomorrow face the day that my work life came to a sudden and abrupt halt. And I know things will get better. But for today, pity party. I may even watch terms of endearment or something equally as sad and tearful.

Just going to let out the tears, let out the sad, get mad, break something, feel the rage and then breathe through it.

Almost a year. My how life has changed.

Monday, January 18, 2010

A month between postings

This past month has been ups and downs. First the downs:

1) Still unemployed: it will be 1 year Feb 3.
2) Weight goes up and down in the 5-10 pound range. I am no longer WLS losing. I am now on the lifetime plan of losing and maintaining a loss of about 120 pounds. I would like to lose about 70 more pounds.
3) Serious indication of red-wine transfer addiction.
4) Smoking now. Had quit for over a month, and then right back.

1) James proposed on Christmas with my grandma's wedding ring. I said yes.
2) Doing weight watchers with James. Now there is a bit of an end date in sight, and we collectively lost 8 pounds this week. We feel good. We have a winning outcome.
3) Created a vision and mission statement for my life. It was like a weight was lifted off me-- I now know what it is that I want to create in the world, and how I can accomplish it.
4) Re-energized on the job front.
5) Connecting with the spiritual side o f me. I love it.
6) Becoming a non-smoker by week's end.
7) Cobra paid for (thanks Obama) for another couple months. YAY!!!
8) Clean house, due to party on the 2nd. We threw out stuff and donated stuff and felt really really good about it.
9) Trusting in the man upstairs and myself. It has created a lot of peace.
10) Drinking much less. Red wine is not allowed in the house (if it's here, it will be GONE in a matter of hours). Since Jan 2 have had three glasses. Rather than the bottle a night.

As you can see, many more ups than downs. Yay me, I come out ahead.

As James and I were doing laundry last night, I realized something so important. This past year I have connected to so many people from a heart space, asking for what I need, not necessarily what I want. I have made decisions and choices that have given me time to understand my actions of past years. I've learned so many things about myself.

1) I am a great cook. I love to food shop and create wholesome meals.
2) I don't mind doing laundry, I just hate folding at the laundromat. So now, we bring it home and fold.
3) I have spent a lot of time connecting to James, my folks, my family and friends. All things I couldn't have done if I had that job where I traveled all the time.
4) There is a certain amount of peace in daydreaming, slowing down the pace of life, and being a good person. I had my priorities in making money, spending money, and talking about all the far-off places I've been.
5) I have so many great stories. I am working on the outlet to make them into something-- writing, art, movies, handbooks, poems, etc. I'm not committing to one thing, it's all and nothing at the same time.
6) I've missed out singing with the radio. At some point I got really serious. And now, my serious has given way to silly.
7) I can easily be swayed by opinion. Now I stay with mine, and there is no swaying.

I've got a wedding to plan for the fall. So far, so good.

I'm not sure how often I'll post. I've used this blog to get rid of so many demons per and post surgery. Now I am just Kim-- not fat kim, not skinny Kim, just Kim. If I never lose another pound, can I chose happiness? I think so.

WLS is a struggle. First with insurance and doctors and whatnot. Then struggling with yourself and feelings. Then with the "it's never enough" stuff that comes up. All I have is right now. And right now I want things to change, so I'll make small changes (no red wine, one special treat a week, take care of myself through exercise, no sodium Saturdays) not sweeping changes. And perhaps, just perhaps, one small change will make a difference.

I think back to when James and I met. I was a little burned from the last guy I was with, took a couple months off, and then just started looking again. I dated anyone that looked interesting, saying to myself a date is just that-- a meeting with someone to determine if you want to get to know them more. Not a big deal, just a meeting. When we met, we were relaxed with each other, and got to get to know each other. Neither one was looking to hook up, just talk over coffee and brunch. And that's what we did.

That little change-- from "is he the one" to "do I want to get to know him more" made the difference.
So if that's true-- with my health and fitness and weight I can go from "it's not enough" to "what will make me happy three hours from now". Sometimes it's sleep, sometimes it's a walk, sometimes it's eating a great lunch with protein and veggies. It's usually not a donut or ice cream or a pizza or sitting on the couch watching Law and Order. But it might be on some days.

Having this surgery made me realize that I crave gentleness in my life. I want to treat myself like I treat others, with kindness, respect, generosity, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and inspiration. Journey not desitnation. Long haul, not a sprint. Living in the present, accepting the past, and creating a new future.

Happy 2010. Begin again.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

A calling

Last weekend James drove me up to Kripalu-- a retreat center. For two days I did yoga, went inward, quit smoking, ceased drinking, and learned about being resilient and answering my calling.

A calling, what is that?

Looking at my life I have had many mile markers along the way of who I am at my core. There have been friends that are no longer in my life that have pushed me into recognizing my gifts and talents. There are friends now that acknowledge my greatness and just want the best for me. I have a ton of people to support me, even though I have been feeling I just don't know what it is I want to ask for. There are things that I have always been attracted to that give me some direction on who I am at the center of myself.

Losing a job, most specifically this one, was and is devastating. And then to move into a space of 'I'll show them' and begin to look for something without taking any time to reflect was not a good idea. At all. And then spending spurts and fits of trying to distinguish what I could do, rather than create what I want to and can do, was fruitless.

This past weekend I got to grieve the loss of a dream job. And I got to accept that thing change and the universe always has signs up, it's just up to me to notice them. I also got to walk a labyrinth-- one of my favorite things to do.

It was snowy, the path was unclear. I was trying to remember how it should go (kinda like trying to find a job without reflection), but felt that even if I was on the wrong path (which I was) I should follow the person in front of me and not make waves. (Just like my last job, don't make waves when the new person comes in, just follow along.) I take a step and think "Courage" and then another step "wisdom". Wisdom, courage, over and over again.

My thoughts drift. The person in front of me is going to slow, leading us in the wrong direction. i should have gone first. I see an opportunity to jump the path and start again, and do. "I guess I have to do it over again" comes up-- that's fine, I can learn more the second time around. I enjoy this walk, no one behind me pushing me along, no one in front of me, just wandering. Fear 'I am never going to get to the middle. It's not leading me to the middle. I can't there, what if I never get there. Should I give up now?'

Take a step- courage, take another step- wisdom. Why do you think you have to follow some path, just because everyone else does, to get you to the middle? Just get there.
I got there, and the middle was quiet. I asked my question, and got my answer along the journey.

Create your own path.
Learn from your mistakes.
Trust your gut.
Take the lead.
Enjoy the journey, but know that yours is unique and no one elses'.

I looked up. Thank you God. Thank you universe. Thank you for having me be unplugged for three days, uncovering what I love to do, recognizing the good in myself that is having me move forward in this life. Bless this journey. There is no where to get to, Just look at the signs, answer the calling.

I have been smoke free for a week. I have been alcohol free for a week. I have turned down drinks, went to a bar and got diet coke. I am not my addictions. I went to WW this morning and although I am up 2 pounds over two months ago, I am working the program. And I am on my way.

30 day challenge-- I was diligent for 6 days, took one day off, then great for two, then a lug for three. Now, back on track. I am not my addictions.

Back to life, back to reality......