The Little Engine That Could

Thursday, June 28, 2007

And someday......

To my girl who I have yet to meet but we shared so much (or little, depending):

And someday she will wake up and realize that she doesn't want this life, this house, this car this man. And she'll be out the door.

On that day, I will hold up a sign that says "go get em tiger" and you will begin again.

and on that day he will not learn one thing. Because he will be on to the next. as if she is replaceable.

hell no, brother. irreplacable. never have another like her. ever.

You get one chance for the merry go round. Grab the brass ring. If you are too busy trying to scheme to get more than the ring you can hold, when it falls to the ground, it is your own fault, brother.

Good fucking luck finding someone to back you and believe in you again.

Go get em tiger.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

By The Way, Ohio is not near to New York.

Spent the weekend in Ohio with family. I do love them, and realize I am a lot of fun. My cousin K has so much to say, so much going on. She's really just a treat to be around-- and J and A are just very hip. I got to know A much better this time around and realized that he loves pulling up a chair and watching the show.

My Aunt is so cool-- just no nonsense, straightforward. I forget that she is a tall girl too-- 5'10. Ahh. I love that my family is tall.

But of course at these things not everyone comes. My brother and his family didn't and neither did my aunt-- as she is planning for her son's wedding in August. I won't be going because of the surgery-- but will send my love and love and love and support, and lots of laughter.

Uncle Roger and I shared a room. I said it was because someone had to keep the "old Queen up at night"-- we were just terrible to each other.

Kim: What are you doing in there?
Roger: Spackling my face
Kim: Leave some for me.

Roger: Are you going to come over now-- because I have to go to the ATM to pay for your date!

Kim: Roger, bathroom's free-- I left the super glue and duct tape out so you can tack everything up before we go out (refering to his body).

I love my Uncle Roger. Fabulous old Queen.

Mom and me entertained the troops for a while-- laughing, talking, chatting, skitting, having a blast. Mom has so much to say-- it's like she's letting herself be heard, letting herself be listened to. Letting herself be loved. It was palpable-- she could feel it in the room. She looks awesome-- so beautiful. if I am half as pretty-- watch out. Dangerous I say, just dangerous!

Mam's losing weight like I've never seen. She looks amazing, like that late 60's mini skirt wearing pixie that she has always been. So so cute.
Makes me wonder who I am going to be under this. I have a feeling I'll be bombshell like. I've always done the red lips, black eyeliner, too tight sweaters, high heels thing, but now, oozing sex with something to back it up with. Fast cars, good boys and a little bit of listerine under the front seat just in case the coppers need to check my breath.
Oh, daddy.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Big girl on Small victories

Mom and I had a long chat on the bus, talking about small victories-- it was so cool having her here for ajust a bit. I love her so much, and she is so awesome.

1) Wearing rings that don't have to be sized especially for me. No more specially made jewelry. Neckalces will fit. Rings will fit. bracelets will fit. I still won't wear any of them, but they will fit.

2) Fitting into cute shoes. I will have to do a whole blog on this alone. I have always felt like the wicked stepsister with my feet that don't fit into anything.

3) Shopping at any store. Any store. Shoes and clothes. Any store. I have never done that. I was in misses right out of 6x. I was always two departments ahead. Mom took me to special stores in 8th grade-- where the clothes did fit. I stopped shopping at Mervyn's sometime in the 9th grade. My graduation gown from HS had to be cut up and sewn in the back. I have always been a huge girl, and each one of those memories, each time I went to the mall with my friends to go shopping, I couldn't. And now I will be able to, not I will get to try on clothes and not feel like I am wasting their time by being in a shop that is too large for them. I know it's a ways off, but it is awesome. That will be so awesome. No longer will I have to be a door guarder for Jennifer House at that terrible store with the communal dressing rooms-- just because I can't fit into anything. Guard your own freaking door, sister.

4) No apologies. I refuse to make someone else feel better by apologizing for my behavior, when I have done nothing wrong. I spent some time doing that this weekend. Now I am just listening to what is right, what is right with me, and what the other person is really trying to say. Sometimes they just want to vent, which is fine, but I don't have to apologize for their feelings.

More to come. Many many more.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

On Thursday past, I spent some time with a woman who has done the surgery I am getting ready to do. We talked a lot about what to expect, what the issues are, etc. Emotions that have been buried for a long time coming up and no longer apologizing for her actions, or for just being herself. I walked away from that conversation totally enlightened.

I realize that I have been doing that work already, and am so thankful for it. It's like I built my team of support around me to take on the next challenge. She said the most profound thing "You are lying there, before surgery, and you are trying to put together who you want to be, this newly created self that you are creating. And you are at your most tender, most vulnerable because to have a running start at a normal life you have to cut yourself open and reshape your insides to have a chance. And it's work, and as you lose weight, you become normal, or at least feel like normal, or have people look at you in a way that you no longer have to apologize for who you are."

I know it's hard to imagine, for all my bravado and seeming self confidence, but underneath all of this, I am apologizing for everything, every thought every feeling, every word or movement. Everything. I am apologizing silently as I walk the Great Wall, I am apologizing when I have to get out of a chair. I am apologizing for ordering the chocolate cake, I am apologizing for being in love. I am so busy apologizing that I am not fully living.


So I am doing this surgery. I want a running chance. I want the underneath it all. I want to sit in a seat on the plane and feel like it's business class because there is room. I want to walk into a bar and have more assholes look at me. I want to stop being a big fat fetish. I want to have the energy to live my life. Day by day, mile by mile. I am no longer willing to ask for forgiveness.

Only from myself.