The Little Engine That Could

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

No more 5 day pouch test

I know my pouch works. It only holds about 1/2 to 3/4 cup of food. I know this.

What I was doing was eating, then resting, then eating again. Drinking water with meals. Sitting in front of the TV to eat. No longer.

Snacking is not a good idea, neither is vending machines at work. The everyday starbucks is no longer. Upped the protein, put away the scale. Just put it away. I'll weigh myself in a week. Maybe every Saturday will be weigh in day. Hmmm.

Going back to all liquid protein diet was hard. Sweaty hard. Just trying to make it through the day without snacking is hard. Moderation. Moderation. Worked out, and am feeling my waist getting smaller. Liking that. seeing my arms get saggy, not so much liking that.... but life happens.

Back to therapy. Back to working on Maddie. Back to holding the space for a 10 year old frustrated girl to come out. I know I am stuck at this weight because I have something to learn. Something about things being enough. Having enough. Being someone who is enough, smart enough, pretty enough, kind enough, gentle enough, who has enough. Just enough.

Creating the future is what's next for me. The universe keeps giving me signs. Someone opened a bank account in my name-- yup, stolen identity. That fucking sucks. My weight is the same within 3 pounds for the last five months. Yup, that fucking sucks. The sad part, I can't tell what I am more disappointed with.

Here's the deal, I have no future to live into (not in the I don't want to live way, but in the well... read what's next)-- I haven't created what's next. I'm in a place at work that's reactive, I am in a place in life waiting for someone else, I am in an apartment that's comfortable. I have a comfortable life, but nothing that I am striving for, nothing that I am working for. I haven't declared what I want. I have no goal.

Next post, goals. Creating what's next. I am anxiously awaiting very cool cousin to arrive. My house is not clean enough, and I still have work to do, but he's coming. With him, I'm creating what's next. I can feel it.

Much love to you all. Friends, stop being lurkers. Just send me emails at and jump on board. It's a great place to puke up concerns to the universe and maybe get some answers, but really just get people to hear your concerns and listen.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Feeling good

I started the 5 day pouch test on Monday.

By Monday afternoon, I was sweating and miserable.
I just had a few bites of a dark chocolate bar.

Tuesday I was doing great.
I had two cups of salad at lunch.
Then 4 cookies.
Then a piece of Brazilian cheese bread, three croquettes, a half serving of stroganoff, 1/4 cup rice, a cappuccino and three bites of a coconut custard.
Then finished off the stroganoff after I got home last night.

Here's what I didn't do. I didn't say to my boss-- I don't want to have dinner with the group because I am keeping to a strict diet this week. I am jump-starting my weightloss process and I need to clear out my system. And go back to basics.

Instead I said-- I'll be there. Wouldn't miss it for the world.

So here's what's so for today.
Brought in lunch from the deli for the program. I have chicken soup instead.
Cocktails and dinner at 6pm. I will drink water and not eat dinner. Before I go out, I will have my chicken soup or a protein shake.

And I am not beating myself up. This is life. I make choices. I chose not to stick with the diet last night. So I just begin again. No big deal.

Come join. to be in sassy girls wls salon. Stop being a lurker. Join.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Monday morning

I'm tired.

This week is filled with a program that I would really rather have nothing to do with. It's exhausting trying to get all of this stuff together when really all I want to do is go back to bed.

Today it is fall. I woke up and it's cool and rainy and the leaves outside my window are changing. Maybe this weekend the boyfriend and I can head out somewhere to check out the leaves and whatnot. We spent this weekend doing stuff-- going to the mall (he got sneakers, I got work out clothes) and running small errands. It was kind of cool to just be together making stuff happen. Although I didn't go to the gym this weekend, I did walk for 30 mins at the mall and then did a little walking yesterday when we headed out for dinner.

I am starting to cut back on the carbs. I think it is directly tied into me quitting smoking-- I am not shoving everything into my mouth all day long. The rule for today is to drink all 64 oz of water. All of it. And chew slowly. And take all my vitamins. I do well in the first half of the day, but then forget my calcium in the second half.

And the yahoo group is up. I am still adding people if you'd like to come aboard. I don't care if you have had WLS at all-- it's just a place to vent, share tips, converse, get to know one another, and be a community-- a support. I have a slew of folks to add from the weekend, so keep sending me emails to

Love. I'm in love for sure. I love my man-- I had a breakdown (I have no idea what size I am, too many options are open to me). And he just loves me through it. I wish everyone the same amount of happiness that I feel when I am in his arms.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Yahoo Group

It's up, it's running.

It's very very lonely.

Send me an email to and I will add you. And then, you can come sit on my electronic couch and we can bitch at each other and support each other, and create something extraordinary by being a cyber community. Without being on a blog. Or, well, whatever.

C'mon in. Play with me.

After Yoga Morning

After my Yoga morning, I had an evening workout. I can't stay at home and watch the Biggest Loser on my couch, I have to get up and do something while watching it. I walked/jogged for 33 minutes. And was sweaty and felt awesome.

I am still not losing weight. I am not going to be upset by it, instead, I am taking this time to put the things back into place that I have been missing. I feel like I am waking up again to possibilities for my life.

The things going back into place:

Cooking healthy: this means low fat and high flavor. Veggies and low fat protein, less cheese. Small portions.

30 minutes of movement every day: Tonight I walked 15 blocks and a couple avenues just to get some exercise in. I can't be a desk jockey.

Sleep: 8 hours a night. which means that the DVR will be my best friend, and I don't have to watch all the TV all at once.

Mail: I never go through my mail. And you know what, bills don't get paid when I do that. Every week I will set aside one hour to go through mail, file and shred. I will set aside another hour to pay bills every two weeks.

Laundry: Hang it up. Put clothes away. Soon there will be a boy living with you and you will need to keep it tidy and nice. And he will need space to put his things as well.

Clutter: Toss it. There is nothing to keep if you don't know where it should go. If you need to create a space for it, then fine, but beyond that, toss. Don't save a pile for later. Get it taken care of today.

I think that's it for now. I'm going to bed. And will work out in the afternoon tomorrow before I make the most amazing homemade sauce for my James and we watch Survivor, cuddled on the couch.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Yoga Morning

I went to yoga at 6:30am. This morning. I must be insane.

And I felt great-- didn't work up a sweat, but I am taking care of myself. At least that's what the lady in the front of the room said.

I watched the sun rise out of the window, reflected onto the mirrors of the studio. And I prayed.

I prayed for me.
To be stronger in the moments I need strength.
To be vulnerable and ask for help.
To be given just a bit more than I think I can handle.
To lessen my psychic load when it weighs me down.
To put my shoulders back in place.
To forgive my enemies and make them friends.
To forgive my friends and make them family.
To forgive my family and make them loved again.

I prayed for others.
To have their loads lessened.
To have clarity.
To be stronger in the world.
To notice what the important things are. And they they are not things.

I prayed for you.
To thank you for supporting me.
For loving me
just as I am, and as I am not.

And as I wrote this, forgiveness happened. And all became glorious and vulnerable again.

Today, I am loving life. I am a non-smoker (for 8 days) and someone who does what she says she is going to do. Now, to work.

Yahoo Group will be set up this evening. For those interested, email me your emails at and I'll set up.

Mucho Gusto.


Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Don't Vote. Unless You Care.

God Bless Sarah Silverman. And take it as you wish.