The Little Engine That Could

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Fessing up.

Beef--Unless it's ground, it isn't the best idea for me. After one little piece (okay it was bigger than little, but enough for a regular bite) and not enough chewing, I spent 15 minutes in the bathroom trying to puke it out. Retching over the bowl trying to think of every gross thing that would have me dry heave to maybe, perhaps get the alien out of my tummy, spitting out foam and goo and not the alien stuck just beyond my reach. Then I stuck my finger down my throat, and in three tries, up it came. And then went I did felt like a champion.

Except when I looked at my face. Red face, bloodshot around my eyes, watery eyes, makeup streaming down my face. Not fucking cute at all.

I don't have a regular stomach. Why would I take regular bites?

So beef, steak, strips, cubes-- not a good idea.

I'm going to fess up, so far (and it's only Tuesday) I have had three bags of Doritos, a bag of popcorn, 2 bags of peanut butter M&Ms and a twix bar. And that's just at work. At home I have eaten two very delicious chocolate bars and the rest, stayed on plan. WHAT THE FUCK????

Does anyone else want to fess up and call this shit complete? How can we onliners support each other as a community? I need support, and although I love the comments, I need like a daily written support that would have me fess up be in action, be on plan. A place I knew I could write in and someone would respond. I am hesistant to use OH because, well, freakzoids sometimes show up there (doesn't anyone ever pass pysch evals?) and I don't want a lot of other people's agenda (God. No God. Mexico. Plastics. No Plastics. Insurance Woes. Opinions about politics. Lack of opinions about politics. My new haircut. Etc).

If I started a Yahoo group that was aimed at WLS patients or pre-patients (or those that love WLS patients that want to declare a goal and be accountable) with the idea that it is all about keeping each other accountable in our journey (like food plans, exercise, creating goals and maintaining them) who would to join? Would it be like throwing a party and no one comes? What about all those folks that aren't bloggers but surf. Would they join?

Hmmm. I need something. I don't care that most of us live hours away from each other, but it would be really nice to head to an OA meeting with someone who knows me.....

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Blasting from the pasting

Normally I would not do this. I would just have sat and cried, and tried to work this out on my own.

I got a lovely email from a man from college time this morning. This first man whom I ever saw my beauty reflected back in his eyes. He had plays written about him, dreams created, and stories upon stories of what might have been. The what's so was a beautiful evening over 13 years ago when I could see what it was going to take to become a woman. That night, I did not step into being a woman, and we shared nothing more than a kiss on the hand and a shoulder rub, and a very sweet song. And he has stayed with me this whole time.

He found me. And told me again of my beauty. Shocked, to say the least. But his words came from such a loving and perfect place, that I had to respond. And in my tank top and ripped undies I wrote this:

"The party ended and I left on cloud nine. I drove back to my apartment in Solana Beach with the sun coming up and had the most beautiful sunrise ever in history greet me and my day. I was absolutely infatuated with you, I may have even thought it was love because it was so pure, with no attachment, with grace and ease--even just for those few hours. (Your sister) may have told you I even wrote a play about that night-- entirely fiction, but it was a way to keep that beautiful moment alive for me for years. You are correct, I didn't refute. If given the opportunity again, I wonder how things would have been different.

I know you are married. (Your Sister) is so proud of you and shows you off when she can. I have heard about your ups and downs over the years and am happy that you have an extraordinary life with all the bumps included. I also know that I am beautiful. And I thank you for saying that (emailing, at least) because the first time I ever felt beautiful was when I was lying on your couch rubbing your shoulders and you kissed my hand and made that declaration. Over the years others have told me the same, but never was it so sweet, so honest when you said it. I recently found another man who I believe when he says it, my James. And possibly for the first time in my life, I am open to another human being to love.

Alas, there is nothing to be done about this. Except to say thank you. I often wondered if you knew that the night I met you my life changed forever. Now you do. That was the night that I realized what it is to be a woman.

I wish you and your family the best that life has to offer. I look forward to meeting again at some family gathering of the (insert family name here) clan. And I wish you well. You impacted my life in ways you never knew. And now you know."

After writing this, I crawled back into bed with James. And he said "How was the gym... wait, why are you crying?" and I told him the story of loving someone so perfect in a moment, just for a few hours and then living on that as fuel for years. And always in the search of that honesty, regardless of the circumstances. And that that one night had me make a decision (conversely) to believe that I would only be good enough for "second best" -- that if given different circumstances, i would be the one. But that someone else had been chosen to be the one before I had a chance. This would repeat itself throughout the course of my life. With boyfriends, with jobs, with friends, with living arrangements, with passions.

I've done things I am not proud of. And yet, I still can love myself.

And James held me. And he said "You are MY One. And I am not going anywhere. Nothing in your past would have me love you any less than I do right now."

I love my James. I am going to marry him and be with him for forever. And we will have little round green-eyed babies that laugh loudly and cry softly and never can be without sunscreen. And I am whole and complete, and there is nothing left to say to the blast from the past other than thank you.

Life hands you opportunites to make choices along the way. Its in the matter of choosing that makes the difference.

Friday, September 26, 2008

How to gain three pounds in one day

Breathe. Today you are a non-smoker.
Get out of bed.
Eat one half of a chicken breast with brown sauce.
Eat a decent lunch of ham and cheese and mushroom crepes. Leave half behind.
Get a haircut.
Have one skim cappuccino.
Eat 2 bunches of grapes, 3 hunks of brie, 5 crackers, and a handful of Doritos. With dip.
Have one Vodka and Soda and lime. Want two more, but just have one.
Go home.
Watch Project Runway and The Challenge on DVR.
Eat some chicken soup, and the rest of the sleeve of tea biscuits and scour the cabinets for carbs and sugar. Eat two candy bars and some peanut butter.
Fall asleep on the couch in sugar coma. Wake up at dark o'clock and transfer to bedroom.
Get up.
Weigh self.
Gain three pounds.

Now, I know it's just the normal ups and downs of everyday weight. However, here is the pattern. The pattern of what has been happening and what is my foreseeable future. This is the reason I haven't lost anything in three months. I am too busy treating myself.

This weekend, the cabinets get cleared. Everything goes. Anything that looks like a sugar or carb (chips, candy, cookies, "snacks") goes. Vigilance. And then meals and portions get planned. A food scale will be purchased. Weighing and measuring will happen.

The treat to myself is a long term healthy lifestyle. A size 10 jean. A great body, the ability to run for 5 miles. A very long bike ride. New clothes for a new frame. A long life, smoke free and clear. Not the tea biscuits from Harrods.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Never miss an opportunity....

To miss an opportunity. The Mets lost. 10 innings.

We got to the stadium and I found out that 3 of the 8 brothers also had tickets. So I got to meet the rest of the family (minus two wives and three children). I think I have to take a test now and get a certificate.

We sat down in our seats. The last time I was at a game I was crammed into my seat, and it hurt. And I spilled two beers down some guys shirt because I couldn't balance them on my lap. But that was at the Yankees game so it didn't matter.

This time I had plenty of room. And I was cold. And the boyfriend kept me warm with his hands and arms wrapped around me. Losing over 100 pounds has body heat vanish quickly. I only sweat when I am working up a sweat. I have been wearing a scarf since the end of August. I can only imagine what this winter will be like.

Today, no gym. Maybe tonight. For sure, I am going to make a one pot meal for tonight and have that yummy goodness to come home to after work. And I am going to bed at a very decent hour.

Being vigilant with food after a couple months of fucking off is hard. I really want those chips. And that chocolate. I do without the alcohol, it's never really been my thing anyways. I have to keep imagining me in size 10 jeans. I know I can get there. I haven't been a size 10 since I was about 11 years old. How cool will that be? Although, those screaming dill pickle Pringles do taste mighty fine.

This weekend's plans filled up quickly. We have errands to run, and work to do. And I love it. After a very cool email exchange yesterday, both of us realize that we don't have that built in alone time when we are together. Because we are so focused on being together, that the alone time of errands, hanging out with our girl/guy friends, paying bills, straightening our places just doesn't happen. So this weekend we are going to try something new. Being together without laying on the couch or in bed all day. I mean, I love the laying in bed all day, talking, kissing, etc, but we are way more interesting than that. And we have things in our lives that we have to accomplish, fer Chrissakes.

So this weekend is not totally alone time, but time to be together but doing what we need to do. I am pretty dang excited by it-- I have to return two broken suitcases and get those fixed, and maybe head to target for some kitchen stuff. And for sure do bills. Between today and tomorrow at work there is a big project to complete, so there is that to take care of as well. And I need a dang haircut, so maybe on Friday I can take care of that!

This week I don't have a class on Friday, so I get to be a little more normal than usual. I get to have a whole weekend, and two nights with the man. We are learning to sleep sleep together nicely. He still says I take up to much room on the bed, but he is a cuddler and warm, like car heat. So without him, I had to pull out the down comforter last night. And it was glorious. He'll be a sweat bomb in it, so I'm sure we'll split the covers at some point.

For those of you that follow but don't blog every day, trust me when I say it brings you out of a funk. I am so pleased to be back and writing, even if it's just little things. And thank you for each and every that follow me and read. My journey is my own, but I am pleased to share it with others on their path.

A little shout out to the ladies headed to Philly! I'd love to be there but in fact have class that whole weekend. But my love and support will come from 2 hours up north!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Back to the Gym

Since I returned from my trip to Spain, I have had the best kind of jet lag. The kind that makes me want to go to bed by 9:30pm and wake up at 5:30am. And it's glorious. I wake up and it is the darkest part before the dawn, everything is still, very few if any noises come from the street below.

And I think, I am the luckiest girl in the world. I have a new lease on life. I choose to live this new day (thanks Dag, if you are still out there). And this new day is full of wonder.

Then my tape recorder in my head goes off with all the negative stuff-- not enough too much, shoulds and shouldn'ts. This morning I turned it off by going to the gym.

Just 25 minutes. Well actually 28. Walking on the treadmill. Fast walking, working up a sweat. Getting hungry for breakfast. Needing to drink water. And sweating. Watching the news, hoping to see a friend anchor on CNN, but coming up with the financial crisis.

And having the tape recorder go off again. Need to pay bills, need to make more money, need to be stable before I start some other chapter of my life. What will all this mean for me, will my firend's business work? Will I be able to go back to school and work? Will I ever let go of the struggle to be better, more, enough? And then I turn up the level and start almost running.

A year ago I wasn't yet cleared to do exercise. This year I am 100 pounds less and almost running with no (or little) effort. I know what will take me to that next level. Intention. Vigilance. Being gentle in times I need to take care of myself emotionally and being bold and powerful when I need to take care of myself physically. Loving myself for where I am at.

I think that's the best-- I love me for where I am at right now. I look at pictures taken a couple years ago and see my sadness, covered up with bright smiles. I think back to picking out every outfit and how it will make me look. And knowing how beautiful I felt in the arms of this one or that one. That I was made to feel beautiful because I was liked, loved or desired.

I feel calm and grown-up. I feel like I can observe my life today without judgement. For today I will do what there is to do, accomplish what I do, leave other tasks for another day. And then tonight I will meet the man on the 7 platform and we will go to a baseball game for a team he loves, and because I love him, I love that team.

All because of jet lag and the gym.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

3 month stall

I've been at a three month stall. About the same 2-5 pounds for the last three months.

What does that mean?

So here's what I am doing that I am not proud of.

1) Smoking on and off. Quitting again today.
2) Eating and drinking together. A little water washes down the food.
3) Not drinking enough water when I think I am hungry. I eat instead.
4) Sitting in front of the TV or computer while eating. Not paying attention to my meals. Not taking a meal as an opportunity to nourish, rather as an opportunity to zone out.
5) Eating more than 3 meals a day. Yup, grazing.
6) Alcohol. With the conferences, a drink or five is a good idea.
7) Cookies. Sugar. Candy. I keep thinking I'll dump on them, and yet, no, no I don't.
8) Talking about working out. Thinking about working out. Not working out.
9) Making choices about food based on "what I like" vs. what I need. I need protein. I need veggies. I don't need lemon tarts.
10) Going in late to work. I can tell when I am out of integrity when I keep showing up later and later.
11) Coffee. Buckets of it. With milk. And sugar (or splenda if available).
12) Bread. With cheese, with sausage, with meat with fruit.
13) Not moving enough. Too much couch time.

Most of all, I am not being gentle and kind to myself. At all.

So the three month stall I will call complete. From today forward, I am taking on the last bit of weightloss anew. Like this is the weight I started at, and now I want to get to a size 10 in jeans/ pants and a size medium in tops. And I will lose another 70 pounds by June of next year. That gives me 9 months to get going, a little under 10 pounds a month. By June 2009, I will have run a 10K. Run. Not walk, but run.

Here's what I will do to make that happen:
1) Water first. Then 1/2 hour later, meals.
2) All my vitamins, every day.
3) Drink water 1 hour after meals to a total of 64 oz a day.
4) Gym time 4 days a week. Monday, Wednesday, Friday and once on the weekend. 5 K walk on the weekend to running.
5) Re-convene my support team. This includes therapist, nutritionist, and fellow WLS ladies. Including friends that will support me by working out, doing active things together, and creating healthy lifestyles.
6) Enroll the boyfriend into working out with me. Have him join the gym with me by November.
7) Plan for 8 hours of sleep every night.
8) No eating after 8pm, if that is dinner time.
9) Get to work by 8:30 every morning. No emails until lunchtime, and then home by 6pm. Gym at 6:30 (except Wednesdays and Fridays-- will do the gym at 6:30am)
10) Write every day.

One of the things I notice is that I go missing, and don't have a voice. I skip out on keeping the journal, which has me not remember exactly when or what I have done. I call that complete as well.

Life is actually good right now. My clothes are getting bigger, I think I am getting smaller. I have started a new routine that could have my stall be medical, but I will bust through that. The boyfriend and I are happy, and talking about the when he will move in. It's kinda huge and scary-- because he's never lived anywhere but with his family, and I've never shared a place with someone I love. Lots of stuff to move around.

Okay, complete. And start again.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

No excuses

There is no excuse for my absence. I wish I could say it was something along the lines of being eaten by a bear, or my visit to the homeland and the reindeer migration I had to do (did anyone else see exiled on MTV and want to bash some vapid little 19 year old skulls in??), or any such other Auntie Mame-ish type of adventure, however, it's just me and my busy life and a lack of wanting to say something.

So thank you for Tracy for looking out for me, prodding me, coaxing me back into blog land.

Here's the what's so.....

The boyfriend and I have been dating for three months and a couple days. There is talk of moving in together, there are I love yous. There is conversation about what our lives will look like beyond right now, when we are creating it together.

People always say, you'll know when it's right. It's right. It's so right it's wrong because he shouldn't be the one. In my head, my one would be physically taller and make more money and all that's just bullshit. He's got the sweetest softest heart, he's still a guy and does guy things like sports and video games and a lack of toliet paper roll on the actual roll. He's afraid to make a mess in bed, and I always say "Sex is messy, honey. It just is. That's what showers are for." He's ticklish, he's caring, he loves kids. He's super patient, and he listens. And to top it off, he's cute as hell and sings along with the radio and I love love love him. My match.

And for him, I am so right I am wrong. I should be about 4 inches shorter, brown hair and bigger boobs. I should be in some job that doesn't have me travel, that comes from a decent sized family in LI and understands the intracacies of hockey and roast beek is mayo not mustard, but ham can be both. What he got instead was a musical theater singing Amazon with small tits and a big ass that puts Italian dressing on her sandwiches. Thank god he likes the ass.

We went on holiday together. A whole week of 24-7 in Canada, the baseball hall of fame, the caverns at Howe, and a lot of car time. And not only do I love him, I love him more for it.

So, that's the what so on the boyfriend.

And the what's so on the scale......

I haven't lost much weight. More on that later.