The Little Engine That Could

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Big Girl, Bigger Adventure

Recently I took a job that is truly my dream career. I get to be Julie the cruise director without ever being on the high seas. I also get to participate in having people learn about things that will have them be better in their jobs. And it's for a pretty cool company that does pretty cool things.

The bigger adventure was meeting, dating and the eventual breakup of a very intense and short relationship with a man I cared deeply for. I can say he was the first man ever that I have loved. It was very nice, and very sweet, passionate and I really could talk to him for hours. But alas, I am unwilling to settle for anything less thn that perfect feeling-- when I trust myself and him completely.

It's not that I didn't trust him, in fact, I trusted him more than myself. That was the problem. Trusting that what he wanted and said was the right thing, rather than my own opinion. Tursting him was no problem, it was in the quiet moments when he wasn't around that doubt crept in. That was a bigger issue. I was losing myself, not in the glorious way, but in the "I wonder what he'll think" way-- when my own opinion didn't matter, it was just what he thought. It wasn't his fault, but it had me pull back. And the pull back was a problem for him.

I don't think I'll ever be with a man who is over-protective. That doesn't seem to work. I'd rather be with someone that is interested in my opinion, and likes when I have one, and doesn't care if I don't. I don't think I am opinioned on things-- I'd rather pull up a chair and watch the show to be honest. Make my decision after the fact-- or have all the information in before I reach a verdict.

So love. Scary, right? It is, it is really scary. Because it's about letting someone love you warts and all, when the house is a mess, when your life is a mess, and there are no apologies or trying to hide anything. When you can just be you and he can just be him.

Sometimes I creep online to see if he will message me-- I usually give him a ten minute window. Anything beyond that is like ripping off a band-aid. I don't think I would go back if the circumstances were different, in fact, I would probably be, thanks but no thanks, but he did weave his way into my heart. He has so much love for life it's incredible-- I have it too, just in a controlled situational way. Sometimes we talk, and we share things in our lives, and I do enjoy that. But it was a seasonal relationship, and it too will pass. The coolest thing is that if I didn't have him in my life, I would have never gotten this job-- we had a little tiff, so I applied one late night, and bingo-- job. A whole new career, in over my head, and loving every single swimming minute of it.

Ahh-- to be loved and love in return. What could be more glorious?