The Little Engine That Could

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I'm feeling lighter already

I should start every blog entry with "Poor James". I was doing a feel sorry for myself dance last night and just cried and cried. Didn't smoke, but then we went for a walk and some ice cream. And kissing. And well, then, not so poor James anymore.

The job search continues. I realize I am focusing less on the job, and more on just getting my stuff out there. But for someone's whose business it is to create the space for personal development, I am not doing any. Today I did 5.5 hours on search, and now I am going to read up on new trends in the industry. I need to be able to talk about what it is I am meant to do, right?

Had a full breakfast with James this morning. Eggs. Turkey bacon. Biscuit. Then a full lunch. Half a chicken salad sanwich, a bowl of salad. Grapes. There is not a lot of snacking today. I'm not really craving a cigarette, I am just going to keep setting myself up to win-- doing what I know is right to make a difference.

Small changes. Tiny ones. It's making a profound difference on my psyche.

In other news, it's hot and sweaty and I have spent the day without air conditioning because I am crazy like that. I figure it should be summer, I should get some fresh air through here, no matter how humid it is. It's actually not that bad.

However, I need to shower. Headed to the Mets game tonight. The best $600 I spent on anything, 15 games x 2 seats in nosebleed section. I forgot how much I loved going to the baseball game. Regardless of who wins. Although, winning is nice.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Busting through the numbers

Okay, so another thing I realized is that I am melting. and I hit my 2 year surgery anniversary.

So this is what's so:
I am at 267, which is 5 pounds over my lowest since surgery.
I can run around the bases in softball and not get winded.
I wear an XL t-shirt, an L tank top (old navy) and 18W bottoms.
I wear a 16W dress.
I am a non-smoker today.
I take my vitamins every day and rarely have missed.
I do not exercise more than 1 time per week. When I do I usually walk for 30 mins, and ride a bike for 25.
I often eat meals and drink water together.
I can eat anything. Seriously. Anything. Sugar, fat, refined carbs, meat, pasta-- you name it.
I had my ideal dream job and loved it, and got terminated because of the economy.
I have been laid off since February 2 and I am really tired of searching for a job and being so close to my refrigerator all the time.
I cook most meals every day and have turned into a pretty inventive cook.
I have a budget and keep to it (most days).
I have paid off $13k in credit card debt over the last year and have about $13K to go.
I am bordering on a transfer addiction of both cigarettes and wine. I have consumed more red wine this year than I have ever had in my life, and I crave it at times.
I have considerably cut back on my cheese intake, down from a drawer full of cheese to two kinds.

Some of those things I am proud of, some not so much.

Here's what my goals are for this upcoming year.
In 2010 on my surgiversary I will be able to say that:
I weigh less than 240 pounds
I am a non-smoker
I work out 3 times a week and use the Wii every other day.
I watch less than 6 hours of TV a week.
I do not drink anything with meals. I wait 45 mins after a meal to drink anything.
I only have alcohol on really special celebrations. And no more than 2 per celebration.
I take my vitamins every day and keep up with my blood labs.
I have been gainfully employed in a position for about 10 months that allows me creativity, freedom and the opportunity to make a difference, paying over $80K per year. I am stretched every day and my skills at networking, coaching and training are fully realized.
I have health benefits that are amazing.
James and I have set a date.
My credit card debt is paid off entirely.
I rarely eat pasta, treats (candy, cookies, ice cream), rice, bread and my diet consists mainly of a Mediterranean meals (fish, chicken, fresh veggies, feta, etc).

I can say I am happy right now in this moment. I am chomping on Nicorette and considering taking a shower because at 3:30pm I am still in my pajamas and have no motivation to get to the gym which is around the corner. Which I have all the time in the world for.

Laying in bed the other night, I was feeling around my new body. I am melting. My skin is melting, and I wonder how many more pounds I would lose if that skin went away. My guess is that it would be about 20 pounds (based on a friend who was the same size pre-surgery and dropped 100 pounds and had a lower body lift and lost 14 pounds at 5'3. I'm 5'9). So I reconfigured my "ideal weight) up top. Now, my ideal is in the 180's which would put me right about target.

Listen, I'll decide later on in life if I want a plasty surgery. I am not ruling it out. But for now, I would enjoy being employed and away from the fridge. Off to the gym.


We went on vacation two weeks ago. I am still unpacking. It was a week in Arizona (I know, the middle of the summer) and it was magical in parts. And eye opening in others.

Started off the trip sitting across the aisle from one another, holding hands as we took off. This was James' first long trip, and of course, was a short trip for me. He has been on a few planes before to Fl and Canada, but me, well, world traveller over here. It was so very cute, he did a sign of the cross and said a prayer. I love him so.

After our snacks on the plane (I made sandwiches and brought along fruit and rice cakes) we landed and it was hot. Super duper hot hot hot. Spent the day napping and hanging out with C and her mom, enjoying the pool and catching up. The next morning we were off to Sedona.

Sedona. Oh glorious red rocks. My heart and eyes were opened to the beauty of the desert and the energy it has. Rather than give you a blow by blow, we did the following things....
1) Spent the day at the pool with books and magazines and rum.
2) Watched the sunrise.
3) Watched the sunset.

But this I will share. Up a road, into the hills a ways, we parked at a national campground-- picnic looking place. The sun was about an hour from setting, and the air was cooler than it had been during the day. I got out of the car and walked to the campground, just to get a better view of the red rocks, and be in the silence. No one was around. James got out, and we heard someone playing pan flute. Then the wind whipped up through the canyons and between us.

James is not one for new age and energy and all that. Of course, I am, but to each his own. We looked at each other, him with fear of the unknown, and me with strength and wisdom of a thousand years of lives, and spoke our vows on the wind.

Our eternal vows. I won't repeat them because we spoke with our hearts open, our minds connected, and to tell the truth, I have no idea what either of us said. What I do know is that I looked at that man in front of me and saw love, support, kindness, gentleness and truth. I saw forever-- and not just this forever, but the forever forever that lasts through time.

And with that, and tears in our eyes, our arms around each other, the wind whipped up against us and took our vows through the canyons and out into the world. One day, we will repeat them in front of friends, family and strangers, he in a suit, me in a dress-- but the wind knows what is in our hearts.

After that part of vacation, there was good Mexican food, good company with C and her family, a small snafu that lead me to take a stand for myself and not be bullied by another human. I saw Thunderbird, and am considering it for its MBA program. If I make the investment now when I am unemployed and have the time, I believe I can get more out of it in the long run. It's all choices.

Now, back to the WW. We don't have much liquor in the house, and our food bill has been reduced to about $75 a week because of finances. This is more than enough for the two of us to eat on, I buy most vegetables at the green market and am good for two weeks on fruits and breads. Meat might be an issue, but I am being creative. There's not a lot of eating out, or money for fun right now, because I want to be careful with finances. I don't want to have to ask mom and dad to cover me. I've got things I can sell and part with to make extra money. Cleaning out the clutter once again.

Weight-- doing good. Over vacation I gained .2 pounds, so that brings my total to 267.2. The next goal I am setting for myself is 259. I want to break into the 250's. And stay under that.