When I say Ouch you say it Feels like Love

Issues. Beyond My Control.

So what does that mean? Because as my very wise boss said to me (well actually purchased the words on a coffee cup that I drink two to twelve cups of coffee a day from) "In my mind I can control everything". So I should be able to control this.

I cannot control others actions, nor can I control the outcome. I can only have a say in my response to actions and outcomes. How very therapy of me.

Over the weekend I went to visit family. It didn't go well. I mean it went as well as it could go, given that I am exhausted from work, a big sacrament for a little kid who would rather be running around in the backyard or playing video games and all the attention that goes with it, an earlier event of a baseball game, a massive housecleaning, a dance recital and two massive room cleanings (I never knew a 7 year old could be that disgusting), men in the family who communicate with grunts and aggressive driving, family members (this includes me) that get hurt feelings over things that are usually easier swept under rugs and stuff. Given that three out of seven adults in the last 2 years have had WLS in this part of my family and we are all very very sensitive, very very prickly and all of us are trying to figure out how to deal with emotions without completely breaking apart and eating a ham--or conversely trying to build armies against one another for perceived slights that really just come from "there's a whole lotta family in my house in my house"-- things went better than expected. No one killed anyone else. There was no kid taping to roofs of cars and no jousting with flaming fishing poles. No ham was hurt in the process. Just a lot of fried chicken and an onion dip. Poor dip.

I got on a plane a whole day before scheduled and came back to NYC and slept in my own bed and nursed a cold (which by the way, I am still nursing) and took TWO days off this week and slept. Because I got overwhelmed and cried and paid way too much money to get back a day early. Because I hate to see my family torn apart again and again and truly, I don't want to be in the middle, get put in the middle, or split my time. For too many years I have been traveling to spend time with my family and having to take two vacations, or stay at one and visit another. And It. Fucking. Sucks. I am an adult, and I ran away as fast as I could. Because I refuse to be emotionally manipulated. No. Fucking. More.

In a very adult conversation with my dad, I said "My plane leaves at 11:25." He said "I'll take you to the airport." It was the nicest thing that anyone said to me all damn day.

If you have the type of family that when you leave you say "I can't wait to see you again" then count yourself lucky. I used to. I don't exactly know where it went wrong. I still feel guilty for being selfish and not sucking it up and staying. However I refuse to let someone else's needs or wants come before my own. I have a really hard time in causing someone else's disappointment. Because I want to be the girl that smooths everything over, rounds out all the edges, sucks it up and plays nice.

I don't have to anymore. It's me time. Not you time. I'm not crazy, I just don't like being scared, manipulated, threatened or having any of my family scared, manipulated or threatened.

So, there are the issues beyond my control. I was going to go private and explain it, but with some clarity I realize that I am out there, warts and all to read. My life can only be used as leverage to another if I am not open about it. So there I am, being all open about it. I think I have been judicious and fair, and if not, write your own damn blog about it.

Cause this one's mine.