About a year ago

I wrote a blog regarding everything I was apologizing for. For just being me.

Now I do a lot more apologizing, and don't have to dive into a bag of cookies. I am just being me, and loving me. I think I am way less serious, way less on the attack, waiting for the comment that will put me over the edge. I think I am a little more pleasant to be around. More light hearted.

I guess instead of apologizing, I take responsibility. Sometimes it feels like a cloud has been lifted.

Yesterday I went on a date with a very nice man. And not once did I think "What if he doesn't like me, he might think I don't look like my photos, that I am too fat, that I am not pretty enough, etc." And what came through instead was a great conversation without all the stuff. I got to be me. Funny, confident, pretty, loud, athletic and strong. He liked me. I liked him.

I like this new me a lot.

A year ago I had so many questions on what the next phase of my life would be. Now, I still question it, but instead of thinking what does the world have in store for me, I am thinking everything is possible, what do I want to show the world.

I have slip ups. I have fall downs. No one talks too much about the emotional stuff that comes up, or that depression does return-- and those food tools that I have used for so many years don't work anymore. When I eat four cookies and two cocktails at a party, I will get sick and check out. I don't want to check out anymore. I don't want to check out anymore.

Working at home is not a good idea for me. It gives me ample opportunity to lie on my couch and answer emails. I want to be with people and talking and working and creating something exciting. I know when I go to the dark place of the couch that I need to get up and start moving around.

Next month I will turn 35. Wow. And with that comes a big party. To celebrate the me that is here and now, and the me yet to come. How very Body Electric of me. Without the whiny voiced singer, but the big bold, beautiful voice of me.

I am proud of me today. I never thought life could be so open. Okay, it's not all sunshine and roses, but instead it's noticing the little blooms that are popping up all over, and that probably were always there, but now I can see.