Two months

I haven't lost anything in two months. At least that what the scale says. The scale tells me that over the course of two months I have fluctuated between the same 7 pounds. So let's take a look at what I am doing.....

1) Discovered alcohol. I can have 1-2 Jack and diets in the course of an evening out. Or a half a glass of wine. Or a stoli orange and tonic, or twelve. Umm, no no no.
2) Cheese. Why must I love you so much? Full-fat, gloriously creamy, eaten with apples, on top of.....
3) Crackers. Stop with the crackers. I mean it. Stop.
4) Chocolate. Okay, this is getting ridiculous. Really Chocolate. You mean I can eat it and not get violently ill? Whole bars over the course of a day and just feel like I am having flu like symptoms? And it goes away after a lie down? And it tastes like love?
5) Drinking and eating . Just a little sip. After that last bite. Just like it was when I was pushing down down down my emotions with fast food.

So there you have it. I am ashamed. In my golden period, working out a good 2-3 times a week, getting compliments all over the place, and still morbidly obese. Still doing the same things I have always been doing. And struggling with the food demons. Still at the same weight for two months.

Wait for it..... wait for it.... I've got the broken bypass.

"Fear is at the root of my inability to choose." Again with the little white book, your words of wisdom are piercing. I spend my life in "Maybe's, perhaps and We'll sees". Left dangling without direction. Waiting for the future to tell me what to do. What if I took on something extra-ordinary. If I become that extra-ordinary person. So here is my plan for one month.

1) 1 new class per week. This is going to be difficult because I am going to Mexico on Saturday, so I'll have to go a class in Spanish. Wonder how you say "downward facing dog" in Spanish?

2) 3 meals a day. Planned. No desserts. 1 snack per day. 2 Nalgenes of water per day. Again, this will be difficult in Mexico.

3) Cut the coffee to two cups.

4) Something spiritual. Reconnect with spirit-- walking meditations, church, alone time, writing in my journal. Something.

5) During the conference, no more than 2 cocktails a night. Sleep well, get 8 hours when I can.

6) Work and Life Balance: Work starts at 9:30 am, and I go home at 6:30 pm. While in NYC.

I completed April. My challenge had me learn that for as unreasonable as I try to be, there is always room for more. And that I make myself wrong for not doing it perfectly. All the time, not perfect. It's all a part of the journey, while I keep looking for the destination.

Learning to let go is easy. The letting go part is hard.