My very dear friend in CA posting something on Myspace that was a re-post of a large kid who almost falls out of a rollercoaster and then is pleading with an adult about the pain that they are in. It's obvious from the first moment that they are having fun, and then it turns uncomfortable-- the kid is jostled around and it looks really really scary. I would show the video, but I don't believe in laughing at it, quite honestly is makes me scared and a little sick and mad at the other person in the video isn't helping but rather laughing hysterically, even through "It hurts, I'm not joking!"
Here's my response to that. I meant to just write it to her, but unfortunately, I got carried away.
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I know you would never do anything to intentially hurt someone, but let me tell you a little about my own situation.
Prior to having weightloss surgery a year ago, and about 15 years before that, I wasn't able to ride the Collossis at Magic Mountain because the band wouldn't connect over my lap. I was mortified, in front of all my high shool friends, hoping that finally I was going to ride with the boy and hold his hand, I was told (but not with words) that I was too fat to ride the ride and had to walk off after waiting 2+ hours for the ride. And stand there, while all my skinny friends, my normal sized friends, and my chubby friends got to ride the ride. And watch as they pulled out of the gate saying "What happened?". And returned with big smiles on the ride of their life.
What happened was that I was too big for the ride. My stomach didn't allow the belt to clasp down properly, and although three technicians tried to put it down, it just wouldn't go. When the last tech came over and put his foot on my stomach where the bar wouldn't collapse into the lock to kick it in place, that was enough for me. He wanted to kick me in the stomach to make me fit.
Remember, I am an 18 year old girl. I am excited that maybe I might get to kiss the boy sitting next to me. That would be the best. Even better would be holding hands. Or smelling his sweat and Polo colgne mixed together on his skin. And this roadie comes and puts his dirty cotton Candy covered shoe on my belly, and I quietly say-- "No, No it's okay, it's okay, I'll get off."
I climb over the potential boyfriend with tears fiercely held back in my eyes and say-- "it's no big deal, I'll do it another time, I am really scared anyways." I wait as they lock him into place, and everyone takes off in a swoosh. I stand there and hate myself. Really hate myself because now I have proof that I am not the same, that I am different. That I am something to be laughed at, to be scorned.
I have not ridden or attempted to ride a roller coaster since then. I'm not sure I every will. But for every person that laughs at the fat kid-- know that there is fear, shame and self hatred behind those eyes, and behind those tears. That kid I am certain thought they were going to die. Because they were fat. Because they slipped. Because they were trying to be the same as everyone else and were reminded again "You are not the same. You are different."
Because no matter how many people laugh at your jokes, no matter how many people talk about your great personality and your beautiful hair and so on and so on, you will underneath it all be the kid that isn't the same as everyone else.
I know you didn't mean to do anything but share a really funny video, it just hit me in such a way that I had to share this.
I still adore you. :) Maybe you'll repost this instead.
Kim
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4 comments:
I didn't post that, although I too am in Ca. However, I was actually with you when that happened. I remember being terrified to go on that ride. I think I may have even pissed myself. Being the tremendous chickenshit that I was, I wouldn't be surprised if I did.
The thing is, I was scared to go on the ride because I thought I was too fat for the ride. I heard about people dying on it and weight limits and I was just plain scared. But my friends peer pressured me into going on. My fear was your reality and it sucks.
This entry made me cry because I remember how mortified you were and how horrible I felt because it could have just as easily have been me.
I was proud of myself for not crying in front of everyone on the ride, but afterwards I felt like I took a huge risk and should have just waited back. I also felt guilty afterwards because I thought that if I had also stayed off you wouldn't have taken the hit so bad and I could have said you stayed back because I was being a big baby.
I remember DW and CT being there. Was it some drama event? Which of the 3 stooges was "the boy"? So long ago, yet so vivid.
I can only imagine your pain Kim and I am deeply sorry for it. I wish I was a better friend to you back then. I didn't know what to say. Your entries hit home with me way too often. I wish I wasn't so scared to share my feelings with you back then. I might have had an easier time with life. Hell, maybe we both could have. But, I am glad we have what we have now.
I've always admired you Kim, and now even more. You share your life so that others can know they aren't alone. YOU are amazing and I love you forever!
Sabrina
Been there felt that... I was so mortified that I broke down in tears while everyone else was on the ride.
Hopefully your myspace friend withh repost what you typed to them. Thanks for sharing :)
This reminds me of so many times growing up at St. C and I noticed I was clearly 'different' from the pretty girls. Why should a 4th grader worry about not being good enough? I learned to swallow my insecurity and pain way too often to pretend no one noticed or just to make it until 5pm when my mom would pick me up. I love you for your honesty. I love you for 'venting' on this blog because you are helpling people. And you know what, I realize now we are different - we are great, strong, resilient women who have tried/are trying/will always try to be the best we can as we figure it out along the way.
YOU ROCK MY FRIEND! :)
~A
That happened to me, as an adult, 3 1/2 years ago--in front of my husband, brother-in-law, and my kids (daughter was 10, my son was 3). I remember to this day how horrible it was, how ashamed I felt. I'd never had to forgo a coaster before.
I'm so sorry you felt that way too. I hope you may be able to try again someday without the fear, without the shame and feel the wind in your face as you shriek with laughter over your freedom :)
As for me, being refused that ride may have been a blessing in disguise...I rode a more mild coaster later and (my docs think) it caused microfractures in my neck--because I got a headache a week later that lasted for 2 1/2 months (and I still have chronic headaches every day). I can only imagine the damage that other ride might have done to me.
Of course that may be my pride talking. I've had some setbacks in my weight loss journey, but I'm not giving up (even though my Slayer in Training blog is a bit too quiet).
Keep on rocking. You're an amazing woman inside and out.
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