Taking Care of myself

Sometimes I feel like I never really learned how to take care of myself. Like I am playing at being an adult. Paying bills, drinking cocktails, saying no when appropriate.

From an early age, i was taking care of myself, but never got schooled in the tools to do so. And then yesterday happened.

I received a text and then a call from an old friend. Not really old, but someone I used to be side by side with for months. I adored her, she was a good friend to me. Then things changed. I don't know if it was me or her, but things shifted. We had been working on a project together, and then the project ended, and we drifted. It was at the worst time of my life, I was out of work and needed a backboard to something else. Just something to hold on to. But she was no longer there.

Then a phone call out of the blue. I said everything that there was for me to say. I told her I was hurt by the drift apart, that I was in this conversation trying to figure out ways to protect myself. That I was no longer able to be friends with her. That I was no longer her buddy, and I wasn't being mean, but I needed her and she wasn't available. I told her I was trying to figure out what she needed from me in this conversation. Because she only calls when she needs something. She agreed that she was calling me for something, but that she thought everything was cool.

We parted on the phone, patched up to a degree. She texted me saying that she was sorry it took years for me to say these things, she had no idea, and if I ever need anything, that I could call. I responded that I didn't suppose I would call, but now would feel less like I had to protect myself, and thank you for giving me the space to do that.

I felt like I completely took care of myself. That I didn't back down, and I didn't have to be aggressive or mean. That I am in a new place, and this place is pretty incredible.

I may not have learned the tools early on, but I am a quick learn.