Romantic songs notwithstanding.....

"....It takes emotional maturity to be capable of showing consistent, enduring love."

I read these words in my little white book today because I am looking for some kind of spiritual support. Because the last few days have been very busy, and good busy, but busy nonetheless. Our office is moving, and as much as I like change, I like change RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW than to drag it out slowly.

This just rings true to me. It takes an emotionally mature person to show love. Love, not romantic love, but love is what I am seeking in the bottom of that bag of cookies. As if that last one will have all the love I need for the day. I took my vitamins, and now I take my daily dose of love from the cookies, the chips, the other half of my breakfast wrap, the bottom of my coffee, etc. I can't decide when I am full, and then my body tells me-- too much, too fast and I throw up. I don't throw up often, but enough to know "You know better than this".

Yesterday I planned meals for 50-70 people for a conference that is two weeks away. Today I will do the same in Spanish for a conference 4 weeks away. I am trying to accommodate everyone's needs-- no cheese, no meat, no pork, no carbs-- and give them something for everyone. Everyone's needs but mine, because my need was to leave work at a decent hour, not eat a protein bar for lunch and go to the gym at 6:30. When I came home at 8, I had fantasies of chicken parm, chicken in lemon wine sauce, garlic cheese bread, and for sure I was going to order. I was going to order from the place down the street, eat my face off and then sleep well.

I took a moment. And thought about what I was doing. The bread takes up too much room in my pouch, the chicken will be good but too greasy, and oh-- YOU'RE NOT EATING CHEESE. Damn damn damn. I made a commitment to myself on the fools day, and I am not giving up.

I haven't been straight about my workouts-- from April 1 I have worked out 8 times. At the gym. And twice walking/ other activity. I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to do it right and be perfect, so shake up the etch-a-sketch, hit replay, power off power on, start over again. But no, it's not about starting over.

Where I am at right now is in the crosshairs of the bullseye. Underneath all the bravada of my words (Gym, Church, NO FRIGGEN CHEESE) is my desire to uncover, identify and release the behaviors that keep me in a state of "I'm not good enough" or "I'm not worth it". So here is a pattern. I start. It's perfect. Life gets in the way, I get tired, I don't want to. I do it anyways, then life really gets in the way. I don't, but go back, and maybe even lie about it. (Yes, those stairs are a workout, yes, swimming for 15 mins is a workout). Mainly lying to myself. Then I stop, but just for a rest, just for a day. Then life again (always ever encroaching on my fun) barges in and brings responsibilities with it. Son of a biscuit. So I go TOO BUSY< TOO BUSY and sit on the couch for a couple hours. Sleep more. Eat more. Stop being present to what I am eating. And it's now two days later, and I am tired and scared of the gym again.

Those skinny people really hate me for running on the treadmill. No really, every time I run, and they are walking, they go up just one more level to run. It's beautifully obvious.

Underneath all that-- I notice that I am the one that says how it is going. It doesn't mean anything that I can't keep my word to myself. I am starting again every day. I don't want to be the woman who paints a bulleye around her arrow and goes "I meant to do that". Because that's my friggen life. I haven't exercised every day, I am making it mean that I can't keep my word, that I can't keep a commitment, that I am not important enough to put myself first. And that covers up that no matter what I do, it won't make a difference, and I will always be this way, and I will gain weight back/ not loose anymore and I will have failed. That I am not enough, and that no matter what I do I am doomed.

I am scared, I am alone. I am not communicating. I feel crazy and sick. I am very tired and just want to pull the covers over my head and go back to bed. I VANT TO BE ALONE-- and I need to be around people. I am so lonely and doing this all by myself. I am angry and pointing the finger at anyone who is in my path.

Other people think I am crazy because I am doing so well, I am being inspirational, but they are just waiting for it to fall apart-- or have me fall apart. They are confused and annoyed. They have no idea on how to support me, because I am hiding all this crap. They are concerned, but if they show it, i will bite their hands/ heads/ feet off. And then eat a bag of chips, have a brownie, eat some cheese. They love me but can't show it, an dare scared to have the bigger conversations. They want fun Kim back, but she's gone.

I'm done with this. I can give up the alone, the crazy, the angry and just be where I am at. I can give up the idea of perfection, because I am perfect right where I am.

I invent the possibility of being a grown up. Because it takes emotional maturity to consistently show enduring love. And I am reflecting it all back on me first. I have to love myself, and treat each action as a love letter to me.

Being a grown up will have me live into a future that is bright and mature. I can still play little kid games, but that little kid doesn't run my life.

Emotional Maturity. Look into it.