Day 7 and 8

Yesterday morning I was an elliptical girl for 30+ minutes. I give myself a little bit of an extra push-- I set up for 40, but I really only want to do 2 miles. So then I see how fast I can do 2 miles. And I did it in 31 minutes. Feeling good.

Yesterday I had an ultimate breakdown at work. I can't tell if it's just overwhelm, or I haven't had a chance to recharge, or what, but I'm three weeks away from one conference, six from another and I feel like nothing has been done. I know a lot has been done, but I don't trust yet. So today I decided that a 6:30 am yoga class would help.

Yup. That's me, going to bed at 10pm to get up at 6am to get to yoga class. And you know what, it might have helped. Except my wrists aren't strong enough to hold me up, and halfway through the class the instructor came over to me in the kindest way and rubbed my back "You are doing a great job."

And I sobbed. Right there in my modified child's pose, I just sobbed.

I'm doing the absolute best I can.
I surrender to the struggle.
I don't know how to win this game.
I can't remember why I want to win.
I am breathing.
I love life and the journey it is taking me on.
I am loved and loved again.
I am doing the best that I can.
There is no such thing as perfect.
There is no such thing as perfect.
There is no such thing as perfect.

How did this stranger know I just needed a little human contact and a moment of clarity and acknowledgment? Thank you stranger yoga teacher.

In my 'For Today' book I read these words.....
To do what others expect, so they'll love me, is to play it safe.

I've been doing this for years. I really heard a message from my aunt the other night-- learn the lesson, live your live, we go around once, make you happy.

Safe is limiting. Safe is "being good". Safe is being reliable. Safe is overcompensating. Safe is being generous. Safe is worrying what others think.

There have been unsafe moments-- it is entirely unsafe for me to go to the gym every day and work out in front of skinny people who hate me. It is entirely unsafe to be bored, say that I am bored and leave. It is unsafe to tell a friend "here's the boundary.". It's unsafe to have mom commit to a time to come into the city and hang out. And perhaps even spend the night. That's really unsafe.

I don't want to be hated, but I can no longer play the game of "love me, please". I can just be a good person, work on my journey and keep one foot in front of the other. Keeping my integrity, I have faith that God and the universe that works through Him will provide something magical.

Amen.

And to work.