Blech

I just got off the phone with my sil.
"This is going to be a great journey for you, I wished you had shared it with us sooner."

I didn't share it sooner because I didn't want to. Because my brother and I don't speak to one another, because he gets angry and I cry, because sil is perfect, and you have cut family members out of your lives in your perfect cookie cutter way. And to be honest, it kills me every day not to be a part of my family, to see my nieces and nephew. I love these people, I really do, I just don't want to feel like I have to constantly protect myself around her.

I told mom she could tell brother, I wasn't hiding it from him, if he or wifey had happened to call I would have let them know, but they didn't so what's the point. Mom made it a big deal 'she didn't want to tell you because blah blah blah....".

Hopefully my mom will be able to manage her anger. She wasn't so great to me today.
I told her I was going to get a massage and a scrub, and her response
"Well, do you think that will help?"
"Help... help what? Me lose weight? (silence)"
"I mean is it worth all that money?"
"Yeah mom it is. It is worth the $150 I will spend to be rubbed, scrubbed and relaxed prior to the most important decision day of my life. I want to be as calm as possible without taking a pill."
"I was fine. It's no big deal" (we'll revisit this topic later on and with more fury)
"I know mom, you are perfect that way." I didn't say this outloud.

I know she loves me. How I want to be loved is her to reach through the phone and hug me, rock me to sleep and say you are my baby and I am here to protect you. I want her arms to hold me, and her to say I love love love you just as you are, and just as you aren't. In her heart, I know she does. She just doesn't know how to do it out loud.

And then poor A heard something and started coaching me on it, but really I am in no mood to gear up for a coaching battle. I trod into this with my hat in my hand, humbly saying I've done my best, now take care of me.

And this energetic person awaits on the other side-- this half-frozen being is waking up, and she will heal and move and dance and laugh and love and she will not have to put up walls to protect herself-- she will express hurt and frustration.

Okay, maybe that's a little much.

I was thinking about all the things I want to do.
1) I want to go swimming (thanks pin-up)
2) I want to learn to partner dance, and do the tango.
3) I want to learn to run.
4) I want to get my massage license. I want to help others get as relaxed before their surgery as I was today. What a cool gift would that be to give to others-- the gift of loving touch before their surgery.

Okay, I am weepy. My admitting time is noon-- mom and pop are picking me up at 10:30 and I wished I smoked and am seriously craving a chili cheese dog from Der Wienerschnitzle. Thank god I live on the east coast and can get none of that.

Goodnight. Godbless. Prayers, energy and thoughts for me. Lots of them.

To my Sassy Gals-- I could not have done this without your support. I mean it. Every comment is like a little hug, a little push, and people who are saying "I know, and it's going to get better". Thank you for having me in this community. I have read some of your blogs for over a year and it has had me choose surgery, this surgery, and this date. I feel prepared, forewarned, loved and supported.

Here's to a new life.

Kim