Being Honest

Interesting, I have had a couple of phone calls about honesty today, when I did or did not happen to tell people about the surgery.....

People, let me explain something to you. This wasn't a community decision. It was my decision. You were not consulted because this had nothing at all to do with you. At all. Except maybe the teeniest tinest glimpse of Phhhhhhttttt for saying stupid unthoughtful comments really early on.

Years ago someone told me that I would be the last person who can keep a secret..... oh yeah-- up yours mother trucker. Up fuckin' yours.

So now that this has been cleared up..... Other bits of honesty.

Decisions to have surgery was really when I got honest with myself, and knew that no diet would help me lose weight. No amount of exercise. I needed help, and I was scared if I started yet another diet, I would gain another 20-30 pounds...... when I decided to "cheat a little". For me, being on a diet is like saying I go to Church.... I always want to say I am going to Church, because that's what I "should" be doing-- when in fact the last time I was in a Church for a service was well over a year ago for a funeral. So I would be fooling myself again about being "on a diet" when in fact I was "not on a diet at all, and eating whatever got stuck in my path".

Also, no amount of therapy would help me lose weight. Body work, energy work, talk therapy. ETC. Alone at night it's me and the fridge and the fridge does not ask me how I feel at all. It doesn't care. So diet and therapy didn't work.

I took long honest looks at myself, and was with every potential scenario, and this was the best fit. And I am proud of it, of my healing scars. Proud of making a decision without asking for fucking permission from anyone.

So do you hear that...... I have a good job, I get to travel the world, a good life, and good insurance that affords me to have this surgery and the follow up I need to continue a lifestyle that is already starting to shift what I look like. It may even shift all that personal responsibility I have felt over the years from me back to you...... so I lose both physical and emotional weight.

Omigoodness-- I think I just hit an angry spell. Hmmmm. No apologies for it. Just being angry and feeling it.