Begin Again

I would like to say this whole process of having surgery is easy.
Actually, the easiest thing about being a post-op is having the surgery.

Late at night all I want to do is eat. Anything. butter on mashed potatoes, cheese with crackers, sweets, and drink it all with water. Have a few sips of soda, maybe a cookie, some more coffee.

A year ago I got back my hunger. I have been 4 months not being hungry. Now my head hunger has returned, and wow she's pissed.

She's so pissed that she can't be numbed by food. So she tricks me. "Just one bite, these cookies are to share, you need this, this will taste good." She has my boyfriend in agreeance. He is so confused, one minute I am going to the gym, the next I am smoking and ordering pizza. One party I am water with lime, the next I am jack and diet.

I don't have any significant health problems or complications. I shouldn't be bitching, but it is my process, right? I can make all sorts of lists of what to do, what not to do, how I am going to fix the problem. But it all comes down to me.

Weight isn't the problem. I have lost over 100 pounds and kept it off for a year. Food isn't the problem, it doesn't leap from the fridge into my mouth, or off the shelf into my cart. I am the problem. I make choices to not "think" about what I am doing. It's like there are two compartments to my brain-- the one that does everything right, and the one that wants to hide and be sneaky.

So here I am. 270.6 pounds. 1/5/08. My intention is to be under 200 by August 2nd-- my 2 year surgiversary. I have been as low as 262 in June, but have stayed about the same for 7 months. I haven't been to the gym since early November, started smoking, ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted for the last 5 months. And I call that complete.

Today, I become a non-smoker.
Today, I exercise.
Today, I breathe.
Today, I live.
Today, I eat for nourishment.
Today I write to regain that feeling of purpose. Of accountability.

And I thank you. For listening. For being my angels. For loving me just as I am. For not making judgements. For hearing my story.

Today I begin again. Better, bolder, wiser, stronger. Lovingly. No memories of the past, just creating the future that is to be.

Happy Monday.