I don't like being fixed

That sounds strange. I am not fixed like a dog, so no worries there.

I have a friend who gives advice and is constantly telling me how things should be. I know it frustrates me because I do the same thing to other people.

We were having a conversation about her niece who's 12 and overweight, eating out of boredom and although active, not social. My friend is scared that she'll never be accepted because she doesn't dress right, she's sloppy and her fashion sense leaves a lot to be desired. She said "She's overweight and it will just be harder for her to get a boyfriend if she doesn't shape up now."

Now let's dissect this:

She's overweight: yes, she is. And she's active and in sports and not slimming down.

get a boyfriend: what exactly does that mean? She has to go out and get one off the shelf like a rump roast before a storm? That she will not have the chance of being with other 12-15 year old smelly awkward pimply boys that are just out of video games to the real world of girls? Boys that are more interested in fart jokes and guitar hero than pimply faced, too much makeup wearing girls? Or boys that are so horny that all they want to do are things that no one at that age is ready for-- and then perhaps she can be another statistic, because, well, her family thinks that it is more important to have a boyfriend than not, so if that's how she has to keep him, then she will-- or else she'll NEVER GET ANOTHER ONE!!!!

if she doesn't shape up now: so, if she doesn't take her loving aunt's advice, she will be forever reminded of her inability to shape up and that is why she is single, slightly overweight, living alone with her cat as the most important person in her life. Like her aunt. Because it will be TOO LATE.

Okay that was bitchy. But I think her aunt sees her own mistakes in her niece and wants to change them.

Have you ever watched the face of someone realizing that they have just said something so entirely inappropriate to the wrong person? My poor friend. As she's going on about this, I turn and say-- you've just described me.

Scene: about 1984, 5th grade, right after school, septemberish.
My mom picks me up from school, I get an ice cream cone at Mickey D's. Mom asks what was going on at school that day-- Volleyball tryouts. Mom is mad, why aren't you trying out, you like volleyball-- yeah, but that is for the skinny girls, the athletic ones. I'm not that. Maybe if I lose weight I'll do it next year.
Mom tells me to get on my PE uniform and we go back to school. I try out and make the team. I am good. I return home and my forgotten cone has melted all over my dresser.

Up until I write this, I was trying to make my mom the bad guy. I just wanted an ice cream, and she punished me. I mean, she did say some nasty things about weight while I was getting dressed, but that's besides the point. What she did do is not make me "wait until I had lost weight" or let me believe I was anything less than. She didn't encourage, but forced me to participate in sports in junior high. And she was right-- I was good.

I was also the tallest, fattest, fastest kid out there. I always started, and I played every game. I mostly wanted to sit on the bench and talk to the other girls, but NO I had to play.

See, i am trying to make my mom wrong. But wow, thanks mom for getting me out there, regardless of the words you used. I have confidence in my athletic ability and always have-- never letting weight keep me back from wanting to do things. And YOU did that for me. It might have felt like punishment at the time, but because of your belief in me, I can do anything, I am super graceful and I am not afraid to be the first one in the pool!

Anyhow, I tell my friend this and she goes white. Then she asks what would have made a difference for me.

1) Mom saying :
"You know my struggles with weight, and I am concerned that you are going to have the same struggles. The body processes food this way (and explain) and we need less because we are not as active (and explain that watching tv/ playing piano/ sitting on the couch expends x calories, while walking/ bike riding/ etc expends this much). And I need your help. I want to be a good role model for you. And I am afraid I have failed. So will you help me? I will plan meals and portions for us-- and it is going to seem like you are not getting your fair share because daddy and keith get more-- but it's because right now we just need less. You and I will have slow races with dinner-- who can chew their food the longest-- and we'll add up the calories we've expended through the day to see where we are. And then maybe we can cook together and you can plan meals.
Sometimes we will have treats. And when we have treats we can celebrate because treats are special. But if you have them every day, it's no longer special. Maybe once a week you can pick the treat you want, and have it, guilt free. And you can enjoy it. I will do the same, I promise I won't hide chocolate under my front seat of the car and pretend it's not there. It's a bad habit I have.
And regardless if you ever loose weight or exercise, I will love you. I will love you any size and any shape and I hope you will do the same for me. Because I am just trying to be the best mom I know how to be, and I want to be healthy and I want you to be healthy too. You didn't do anything wrong, we are just going to do something different and do it together. We are an unstoppable team. And I love you and am so proud of everything you do."
And then stick to it. If it didn't work out after a month, re-evaluate and talk about it rather than forget it.

2) Dad
"I love you. I know it's tough being a kid. Come over here and let me hold you. I miss you when I am on business. I promise I will stay home more. Do I ever tell you how proud I am of you? No, well i am. You make me so proud to be your daddy. You are my little girl and I love you."

3) Keith
"Do you want to go outside and play? I am sorry I made you cry. I promise I'll stop teasing."

That would have made a difference for me.

I guess what I want to say is that I don't like being fixed. And I am sure my friend's niece doesn't like it either. And I guess rather than treating weight and the abundance of it like a problem that is punishable like a crime, treat the stuff behind it- and then solutions will arise on their own.