The Little Engine That Could

Monday, July 30, 2007


Well actually, this is Buenos Aires and then New York about 3 months ago.

No cake please.


August 2

NYU Medical Center
Dr. George Fielding

I'll be in until Sunday morning, then off to Mom and Pop's for recovery. I am nervous, excited, happy, weepy, and all of the above.

That day is also my brother's 37th birthday, so now we share one, his birth, and my re-birth.

Happy birthday to me.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Conference Done

I finished a week of conference. And a week of liquid dieting. Here's what I learned.....

Always have something handy. I had to pull off the side of the road because I thought I was gonna pass out. Always just have a shake handy just in case.

Minnesota can get hot. Really hot.

Myoplex shakes are not terrible. They have 21 grams of protein and take the edge off of any crankiness that comes my way.

Drink as much water as possible.

I can get through a dinner, even two, while liquid dieting. I could eat salad so that was okay, and I was okay to eat it. I did have one candy bar, and I did eat a chili dog, but I always stayed within my 1000 cal for the day. And still lost weight.

People were weird. Just have a bite came up a lot. I have so much to talk about, so much to say that I was fine with not eating a lot. Or at all. I felt really good about myself. Really really good. I know I can do this, I just have to get on the other side of surgery and continue the good news.....

My ankles hurt. My body hurts. I am looking forward to resting a lot, and healing a lot after surgery. Maybe even reading Harry Potter.

Bumps in the road-- still haven't heard on insurance. Still waiting on the surgical coordinator to call me back on that.
Hopeful. In good spirits. In a lot of good spirits. I never even drank one sip of alcohol, and my system feels really clean.

Although, i never thought salad would give me guilt.........

Saturday, July 21, 2007

And because I can..... Plan

I plan events for training conferences, and next week we have one in Minneapolis, MN. I am very excited to have this one, because its my US folks, and because it's in beautiful God's country. I don't like using the word God too much, for some people it has a bit of a charge to it, but I have never seen anything as glorious as where the prairie meets the sky. Beautiful white puffy clouds against a blue backdrop, green green grass that just goes on for miles. (God in the vast universe I feel so small way--life is a majestic mystery and thank you way, not the praying for the fellow on the cross way. All in the same, I know, I know, I'm Catholic.)

Another nice thing is that people are actually NICE there. I am a NY-er by way of Southern California, so nice is not necessarily in my regional vocabulary. (look here for explanation: ) These folks are nice. And they care. And the men, omigod, they are hunky, they make them in big and tall, they smile and act goofy and wow, cowboy take me away.

I am on the prowl for a nice goofy charming man who comes in a big and tall size. I like my guys to be hunky. I wonder if that will change after I lose weight.... interesting. So ladies, if you know of any, please let me know...... but they have to follow these guidelines:

I have loads of work to do before I fly to MN on Monday, and have to head into the office today to get some of it done, but I don't mind. See, the thing is that all this prep takes my mind off of surgery Aug 2. By the time I get back late Saturday night, I'll have one leftover house guest from Buenos Aries and the she leaves Sunday night, then I have three days to get work in order prior to surgery. My house is clean, the fridge has been dumped and put back together, cabinets have no trace of anything remotely interesting, and I am ready to go.

Liquid diet-- I have to say I don't mind so much in the morning. It's at night that kills me.

I am happy my doc chooses to go this route-- it has me really think about what I will be putting my body in after-- because now I have to make decisions. Also, I want to lose as much as I can before surgery for an easier recovery. Here's the funny part-- 5 pounds in two days. I know in a minute my body will slow down but really, 5 pounds in two days-- c'mon.

Now if I can just stay focused while I am liquid dieting, all will be well.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Liquid Diet

Okay, day two of liquid diet. And since I am being honest these days, it's really day one. Because the real day 1 I ordered a big ol Chicken dinner with garlic cheese bread and had my last meal from start to finish without putting down the damn fork. 1600 calories in that dinner alone.

I felt full, like I love to feel, that full full feeling that is warm and comforting. I got to say goodbye to that feeling, honor it for it's position in my life, and let it go.

So liquid diet-- I am digging the pure protein shakes, and I am not digging isopure. The taste isn't horrible, but the smell, my god it's terrible.

It's nice not having a choice on what to eat. Like wearing a uniform to school-- just make sure you have one and go. I have to plan properly though-- I have to make sure I have a shake with me at all times-- because I leave in the AM and don't get home until late late late. So three shakes packed in the morning. Otherwise, hungry, cranky, lightheaded and really bitchy.

My goal is to lose about 22 pounds (or a stone and a half for you UK'ers) before Aug 2 surgery date. I think it's totaly doable. The scale said I was down 4 this morning. Marked improvement from last week in which I ate everything. Including the really really yummy truffles from Trader Joes that had me lay on the couch and go "unnnhhh, uhnnnn". I am glad I did it, because -- never again. It's like when I quit smoking, I had to make the choice-- okay, now you can smoke all you want, but tomorrow, no more. And for almost 6 months, I have not had one moment of a puff, a drag, or any of it. And now smoking repulses me.

I realize I am going to have to do that with food. No more watching TV-- I can watch DVD's but no programming (too many food commericals). No trashy magazines, because again, food advertisements. As long as I can stay untriggered for the next week, while I get used to the liquid diet, I'll be fine. Then I can coast until surgery, and be re-routed, a permanent beautiful detour.

Hmmm. Good for me.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

When did I stop Skipping.....

Today I had a very simple procedure where they looked at my stomach and whatnot with a camera to check me out, make sure everything is where it needs to be. I don't think I have been so scared in so long. I don't like the invasiveness of needles, IV's etc-- I feel so vulnerable and icky. But the drugs the put me on felt fantastic. Take the good, take the bad. The Facts of Life.

C was there right when I needed her. Drugs, wow, it was like being wake and bake stoned for most of the day. I felt fucking fantastic. Now my tummy hurts a little, but I think I'm going to be fine. And I don't feel the need to pull out my Greatful Dead/ Steve Miller Band collection or tie dye anything.

Before we settled into our not quite a documentary movie for the evening, we began with "What's there to be created for this new body, this new person?" I want to do things that scare me a bit. Like working out regularly, hiking, biking. For sure, I will be swimming. That is a no brainer, and I am going to start the second I am cleared for exercise from the surgeon. I love swimming-- stroke, and float and clear my head, and breathe.

As we were creating, two little girls went skipping by.
"I want to do more of that"

When did I stop skipping? It was a faster way to get from place to place, it felt like flying and running but in a more fun way. I can't remember when I stopped, but I am starting up again. No more running for the train, I'll skip. And do it with a smile on my face. People can't scowl skipping-- and I am going to skip, dangit!

Some more things for the list of "that's scary but I'm going to do that":
1) Speed dating-- Christine and I make perfect wing men for each other, we are total opposites, and yet we are fun to converse with Getting to a size that is normal will provide her with a partner that wants to engage men and talk to them, and she can swing in for the kill, while I chat up their much cuter but dorkier friends. I know I could do it right now, but at this weight, I don't want to .

2) Rock Wall Climbing. This is a compromise. Something about a "Night Hike" that had me go-- umm, never. Camping for me is staying in a cabin with no running water. So rock wall climbing. But you will never see me in a sleeping bag hanging off the side of a cliff because "it's cool". Cause that's just stupid.

3) Tightrope-- I've always wanted to try this-- not high off the ground, but to walk across and balance.

4) Single's cruise. Yes, we have just turned into those two "very special guest stars" on the love boat.

5) Adventures-- She can horseback ride all she wants, I'll jump on a trampoline and swim in a lake.

6) Double date-- I'd love to double date with C. She's a hoot. And sometimes if I time it right I can get her to almost lose her diet coke through her nose.

I'll add more to the list. C says that she is committed to working out and feeling better about herself, and me too, so together we are going to have the whole world.......

The interesting thing is that C is really for me having this surgery as a way to feel better about myself She is possibly the only person, besides maybe TK, that knows how scared and depressed and anxious I get over new situations. New situation coming right up.

I'll write more on the skipping. It needs it's own blog.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Meet Maddie

I meditate a lot. Some might say it looks like napping, but to me, it's where all that needs to get worked out gets worked out.

Energetically, this weight around my middle is a 10 year old child-- the child is too big to carry, but she's not mature enough to understand that.

I'll name her Maddie. This is her beginning:

Maddie is beautiful in an awkward way-- she is tall and almost woman like-- in pictures she is as tall as her mama, big fat freckles splayed across her nose and cheeks, her too big teeth growing into her mouth, her loud little girl voice raised about the shrieking in the pool on a hot summer's day. You can see the woman she may have the chance to become-- with her long sun streaked golden hair, and her wicked smile, her green eyes tell you that she knows and understands this world much more than you ever could. She is the holder of secrets untold, her body is strong and long-- round water belly, tanned legs and feet solidly planted in the ground.

Maddie can be a child-- excited over warm oatmeal cookies from the oven, running to give daddy a kiss in her wet bathing suit, playing Marco Polo for hours as the sun sets over the cement fence in the backyard, getting towels fresh from the dryer and settling in to watch TV with the family over a big bowl of popcorn. Her best friend is a little girl down the street, Steffie, she is much smaller and much more woman like-- child by size, woman by maturity. Steffie has all the dainty features, Maddie towers over her by 7 inches, and outweighs her by 30 pounds. But they cross the street holding hands, and are inseparable.

Maddie loves to play with dolls and trucks and cars and makes up songs in her head. When Maddie has to go to sleep, she dreams that her bed is a stage, and she is there to entertain the rows of stuffed animals and characters from her books that come alive at night; she dances, she sings (quietly), she makes up skits, and she takes her bows. Her favorite thing to do (if she can't go swimming) is to lay on her bed while the sun is in the east and read. Sometimes she falls asleep, but most times, she falls into the book-- becoming the witch of blackbird pond, playing in the secret garden, uncovering mysteries with encyclopedia brown.

Maddie loves candy. Every week or so, her mom lets her go to the Liquor store through the alley and next to Grampa's bar, and get a candy. Mom gives her 50 cents or a dollar, and Maddie uses it all up. Candy isn't allowed in Maddie's house, so she takes it any ways she can. Maddie's favorite time of the year is Christmas, with the Hershey's kisses stacked in Gramma's Christmas tree canister, and Maddie is allowed to have as much as she wants with NO ONE looking at her. No one monitoring, no one watching.

Maddie knows that she is taller than everyone else, and she knows she is bigger too. But this means she is stronger and sometimes faster (usually when she is swimming) and she is very powerful. Except to her brother. Her brother, Aaron, is wiry and skinny and he teases Maddie a lot. They are about even strength wise-- but he overpowers her emotions. He knows what to say to make her angry, what to say to make her cry, and how to look at her so she wants to run screaming after him to tear his hair out. She tries to get along with him, but he usually says something to hurt her feelings, calling her fat, riding his bike too fast, not staying with her as they cross the street. Aaron is just being a 13 year old boy, now becoming interested in girls, now becoming an adult, and Maddie doesn't understand why he doesn't want to play with her anymore and why he likes it so much when Maddie feels bad. He no longer likes her, except when she gives him things he wants.

Maddie finds out that Aaron gets sugary treats like Twinkies when he shows her where mom hides them. Maddie will hate him forever for being the one who gets the good stuff, because she thinks it's proof that she is no good, and her parents like her brother more. She thinks that because she doesn't get the sugary sweets handed to her, and she has to steal or sneak them and beg for them--- she did something wrong.

"Please mom, please can I have a ding dong? Please."

Aaron doesn't have to ask, he just gets one in his lunch bag. Maddie does not, but her mother doesn't tell her why, just because "You know why you can't have one."

Maddie jumps in the pool, because she doesn't get the sweet snack, because her mom said no, because her mom said she's stupid for crying over food, and because no one can see tears with a face full of water. Maddie spends lots of time in the pool, yelling underwater, crying, swimming, and pretending she lives somewhere else.

Aaron will tell her that Maddie that Steffie is cute and he wants her for a girlfriend. Steffie will start acting weird around her and will want to hang out with her brother more. Maddie will go to the kitchen when this happens. She'll read a lot more. She'll spend time inside. And she'll be smarter in school, so that she can get the sugar snacks too. She won't spend as much time with Steffie, because she only wants to hang out with Maddie if Aaron is around.

Steffie's brother Charles likes Maddie a lot. He's four years older than Maddie and plays games she doesn't understand, but she goes along with it, because her brother is busy laughing and teasing with Steffie. Maddie's mom finds out about these games and gets really mad. They are harmless, "He's just pretending to give me a shot in my leg", but Maddie's mom says that's the end of the game. Maddie doesn't see Charles after that, and barely talks to Steffie much more.

This will be the summer than Maddie starts eating food that isn't food-- like spoonfuls of sugar, chocolate syrup straight from the bottle, hot cocoa mix, cake mix, chocolate chips. This will be the summer that Maddie gets mad, and she eats everything to push down that anger.


So this weight around my middle is a 10 year old 130-pound little girl that is getting close to being a woman. Energetically, she rests her head on my shoulder as I walk through my adult life-- I give her a reverse piggy back ride every minute of every day-- Her bottom is my stomach, her arms clasp my neck and pull me down, her legs firmly clasped around my waist and back. Sometime I can hear her sigh, sometimes she sleeps, but she is always looking for a hug, and I hug her tight because I don't want her to let go. I don't know life without her.

Meditating on, visualizing losing this 130 pound energy fire bomb-- she would turn into loose flabby skin, deflated. Energetically I could not feel the release of her, I felt all the other bits, but couldn't feel her eternal hug was gone. I don't have to get rid of Maddie, but I can gently lay her down to sleep and keep her in my heart, and not on my body forever.

Goodnight Maddie. Sweet dreams beautiful girl.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Letter to My Body

Dear Body,

Soon, very soon, you will be meeting someone who is going to change us for the better. He is a skilled and accomplished surgeon who's job it is to help people like us to have the right tools and the right start to lose pounds. Now, before you get upset, I want you to listen. We've been through this before, I try on jeans, you want to eat ice cream, so I appease you and get yoga pants. I want to wear high heels, you are happy in flip flops because our feet hurt, so I appease you. But the other day, when you wouldn't let me bend over to tie my shoes, well that was just too far. You have taken this completely out of control.

I tried to be nice. I tried to look the other way. I have let you lead me with every whim, every fancy. You want cookies at 4am, you have cookies. You want a milkshake, you get a milkshake. You would rather sit, we sit. You want a hamburger, a hamburger it is. You want to nap instead of going out, we nap. But now, it's time for me.

I want to wear pretty clothes. I want to wear high heels. I want to look at us in the mirror and think WOW we can totally do this-- I want to feel gorgeous. I want to run and have our heart beat as fast as it can. Those muscles that have been hidden for so long-- well, we are dusting them off and bringing them out for show. I promise, this is going to feel so good-- we are cleaning house.

Yeah, that's it, we are cleaning house, getting rid of all that stuff we don't need anymore. We don't need the layer of protection, because we've outgrown it. We don't need the layer of sorrow because we have completed and grieved and moved past it. We don't need the layer of safety because we can handle any kind of attention that comes our way. We could use a strong back and core to build a new foundation. We will build powerful legs to keep us grounded when we need to be, and keep us moving to new adventures as they call to us. We can develop strong arms for new loves to hold onto, for friends and family to be enveloped by. We can allow our body to be hard, and our heart to be soft, so that every soft hug comes from inside, not from outside.

So body, here's what has to happen. We are going on a plan for two weeks to loose some fat around our liver. This is going to be tough for both you and me and I am going to need your help. When we are on the road, I want you to pay extra special attention to all the things that bug you about travelling-- out of breath, sweating, going through security, taking off shoes, putting them back on, getting an extender, not being able to put the tray table down-- etc. I mean everything. Look at all the little things that are annoying. And then on the way back, we'll see if any of them have changed. While we are away, I will need you to tell me when you are hungry. Not bored. Not deprived. Not interested in eating because you can... but actual no joke hungry. And when that happens, I'll give you some nourishment. It won't be much, but it will be something. Because I have to start using nourishment as fuel, not a reward, not as a pastime, but as fuel. This will be difficult at first, but then, you'll see that we will run better in sync. You will be hungry, and I will feed you. Thirsty, you'll drink. We will together work out-- first walking and stretching, then running. Body, it is going to be a whole new life.

Soon, very soon, we are going to play again. We will jump and feel freedom-- and every step won't feel like the earth is trying to pull us down. We will be light-- our breathing will be light, and wait until we get Mind involved with us-- omigosh-- it will be like we are 5 years old again.

So body-- you get whims until the end of next week. Then after that, we will work together to do what's best for this house cleaning of sorts. Because I love you body-- you have been very very good to me-- indulgent, but good. And I want you around for a long while. So let's work on this together, okay?

Now, it's time we put ourselves to bed. I know, you want to check out myspace, but it's late and we need our beauty sleep.

Goodnight. I love you, Body.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Signs that people love you.

My Aunt Ginger writes me this as I give my condolences to not attend Eric and Alanna's wedding:

I know this is a life-changing experience that you are preparing for.I think there must have been some great plan that said Kim_____ must go through steps 1- 7000 and then you could have the chance to have this procedure. Everyone loves you no matter what size you are, but I'm sure you get tired of being the poster child or woman for being a plus-size and still have a normal life. Now you can be the poster woman for just being the strong person that you are.

I am still crying. She gets it. Brave face poster child/woman for normal, healthy wealthy (figuratively) and wise. I'd love to see my cousin get married. I'd love to be at a huge family reunion. But really, I want them to be at my wedding-- so I am going to need assistance finding the nameless, faceless bastard that will I do me to death.

The application process begins soon. First me, then another, then the world.

Fat People are hard to Kidnap

I was at a friend's house the other day and her boyfriend who I don't know well is in this group called "The Fattie Patrol". Apparently they have slogans such as:

Fattie Patrol: We are watching your weight. Are you?
Fat people are harder to kidnap.

Etc. Etc.

At first, shocked by the magnet on the refrigerator of the Fattie Patrol. My friend was mortified, had no idea what to say, and then tried to shrug it off. I laughed, and secretly plotted my revenge.

What did my fat ass do to hurt you? Did someone in pretty plus break your heart as a kid? Did a husky boy beat you out for a spot on the football team?

And so on and so on.

Fuck the fattie patrol. And their leader. Makes me sick.

In high school, I wanted to be the mascot. So much so that in the past I told people I was. But when I expressed my interest to the cheer coach, he said "Well, you have to fit in the costume to be the mascot". I didn't even try out. I spent the next three months eating Mickey D's for "afternoon snack" and using big macs and chocolate milk to numb the pain.

So let's write the list of everything I didn't do in high school because of my weight (or what I blame on my weight).

1) Swim team, High School-- partly because of drama at the same time, partly because of getting into a bathing suit. I had no fear at 14, I should have tried it.
2) Mascot-- mentioned above. I still know the routines. I should have hurt that teacher, but when he had problems the following year, I didn't help him any. I still got most spirited.
3) Trying out for the romantic lead-- I always got the secondary character actress parts-- sang the crap out of some of the lead songs, but never kissed anyone onstage.
4) Kissed a boy-- I got through high school without one kiss. Almost made it through college as well.
5) Asked to a dance-- I did the asking.
6) Went on a date.
7) Asked to the cool kids party-- my brother had a going away to the Navy party, and it was a huge kegger that my parent's sponsored at my house. I spent the entire night in my room, I didn't want anything to do with these people. They were gross and disgusting, and fast and loose and drinking in my house. I have never felt so humiliated. Ever.
8) On the top ten-- every year at camp, the guys would rate the girls. I scored off the charts for coolness and personality, but looks were the lowest, so I never made top ten. The deaf girl did. I was chubbier, but much hotter than the deaf girl.
9) wear a normal sized graduation gown.
10) Had a real boyfriend-- I hung out with a guy I adored. He broke my heart when for an extra credit assignment he went to the zoo with his buddies and took pictures of the "hippos" who had escaped-- heavy folks that were walking around the zoo with him. I was smalled that the people he videoed. I stopped speaking to him after that. But now that I think of it, he must have loved the chunky girls-- he always wanted to wrestle me. Which I did, primary school foreplay. Ahh, how fucked up is that.

I have never gotten so drunk or high that someone else has had to take care of me, so weak that I have fainted (well, only once and that was a total medical emergency), or been lifted up or carried in a very very long time. I want that. Not the too drunk, but to be carried. I want to get piggyback rides, not give them. I want to get shamu rides, not give them. I want to rest my weight on someone else. Even if it is just for a minute.

I know I will spend more time on this subject. I want to live a fearless existence. Truly fearless. For chrissake's I'm freaking beautiful, under this is a bombshell just waiting, aching, to appear.

And revenge is so sweet and so mine......... just wait fuckers. Just wait.