Pointers for Men on Online Dating

Dear Men,

Now, everyone can't date me, that's obvious. Although I am a whole lotta woman, I only have so much to go around. And while I am still on the hunt for a worthy opponent, I have some tips for the rest of you....

1) Photos

Okay, this is an easy one. Good facial front photos, preferably smiling, laughing, or showing me how you will really look. Grim faces need not apply. Neither do hats, single eyes, backs of heads or group shots of guys that are all cuter than you. I will only want to date you to meet your much hotter friends. If you do not know if your friends are hotter than you, ask your ex-girlfriend. She will tell you.

Please do not have the visable tear marks on a photo with an old girlfriend, use photoshop or some other graphics package to erase her away. Tear marks are tacky.

1a) Photos with children or pets

A candid photo of you and your niece, nephew, neighbor, etc is fine. A staged photo of you and your grown child is not okay. Children should always be well placed, smiling or laughing, and you should be too. A family portrait with your ex-wife's face scratched out is not acceptable.

A candid photo of you and your animal is fine. Dogs are allowed to be napping or panting with their mouth open (it should look like they are smiling). Iguanas, Lizards, pot bellied pigs and other such "exotic" animals are allowed to be on your chest, arms or back-- or on the ground near you, displaying human like qualities or have funny hats, clothing or moustaches on them.

Cats are allowed to be in the picture, but cannot be the entire picture.
Cats are not allowed to be dressed up for any reason.
If fact, unless there is no other option, remove all cat pictures.

Staged pictures of you and your animals, i.e. at Sears Family Portraits, is wrong wrong wrong unless it is for irony. However to get the full effect of the irony, please have tatoos, piercings, buddy holly glasses or a shaved head, and also understand what irony is. Otherwise, it is just a family portrait of you and your sad life for the world to see.

Never, I repeat, never have any photos where you are wearing make-up. This means you no clowns, no mimes, no goth and no drag. This means no photos of costume parties. I really don't care how hot you looked in your ex-girlfriends clothes. If I wanted to date a hot looking chick, I would. I don't care that your goth makeup expresses how you feel on the inside. Grow up, cut your hair, get a job with health insurance and slap on a happy face like the rest of us.

2) "About Me" format

Please make sure your "about me" is spell checked. The easiest way to do this is write it in Word and hit the checkmark labelled ABC. That's spell check.

Please do not do ALL CAPS. ALL CAPS TELLS ME THAT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE A COMPUTER OR THAT YOU ARE REALLY REALLY EXCITED ABOUT SOMETHING AND WANT TO YELL IT AT ME. I don't do yelling. Ever. Not in crowded bars, not at sporting events, never.

Please use sentence case, and NoT ThOsE hIp HoP LetTerS. That is just dumb. also you are not ee cummings. Please, I cannot stress it enough, use sentence case and correct punctuation.

2a) "About Me" content

Okay men. Tell me what you are all about. I mean really tell me who you will be when you answer the phone, take me for a cup of coffee or out to dinner. Because if you say that you like doing the Times crossword puzzle, I expect that you know how to read and spell. If you say you like riding your motorcycle on weekends, I expect you to have a license and a helmet. If you say you like watching sports, I expect football, baseball, basketball, soccer, not ice skating or curling. If you say you like tinkering around the house, I expect you know how to fix shit.

I also expect you to laugh at jokes, answer the phone when it rings, turn off your phone during dinner and pay attention to traffic signals. These are just human qualities.

If you are a specific type of stereotype-- like a Jersey boy, a biker, a native New Yorker, from da Bronx, from another country, etc-- let me know. Before I get you on the phone and your accent makes you sound like an asshole.

Everyone likes to cuddle. Everyone likes to spend quiet nights at home with their loved ones. Tell me who the heck you are. Not who you want to be. Because I will end up liking who you want to be, and be disappointed with who you are. You are not auditioning for a part. I am not a casting director. I do have a casting couch, but that is a whole other story.

3) Answer all the questions

Men, answer all the questions. All of them. Not some of them. And answer the question asked. If the profile asks, "What is something else you would like me to know?" and you respond "No"-- well that implies you are either foreign and didn't get the syntax, or you are lazy and can't be bothered. The first one, that's forgivable. The second one, not so much.

Now men, go out into that big brave world and find your queen. Or your princess. Or whatever it is that you are looking for, because I can tell you from experience, there's a shoe for every foot. Even the ex-cop, cross-dressing trekkie found someone.

Best Regards,

Big Girl, Big City.