Fat People are hard to Kidnap

I was at a friend's house the other day and her boyfriend who I don't know well is in this group called "The Fattie Patrol". Apparently they have slogans such as:

Fattie Patrol: We are watching your weight. Are you?
Fat people are harder to kidnap.

Etc. Etc.

At first, shocked by the magnet on the refrigerator of the Fattie Patrol. My friend was mortified, had no idea what to say, and then tried to shrug it off. I laughed, and secretly plotted my revenge.

What did my fat ass do to hurt you? Did someone in pretty plus break your heart as a kid? Did a husky boy beat you out for a spot on the football team?

And so on and so on.

Fuck the fattie patrol. And their leader. Makes me sick.

In high school, I wanted to be the mascot. So much so that in the past I told people I was. But when I expressed my interest to the cheer coach, he said "Well, you have to fit in the costume to be the mascot". I didn't even try out. I spent the next three months eating Mickey D's for "afternoon snack" and using big macs and chocolate milk to numb the pain.

So let's write the list of everything I didn't do in high school because of my weight (or what I blame on my weight).

1) Swim team, High School-- partly because of drama at the same time, partly because of getting into a bathing suit. I had no fear at 14, I should have tried it.
2) Mascot-- mentioned above. I still know the routines. I should have hurt that teacher, but when he had problems the following year, I didn't help him any. I still got most spirited.
3) Trying out for the romantic lead-- I always got the secondary character actress parts-- sang the crap out of some of the lead songs, but never kissed anyone onstage.
4) Kissed a boy-- I got through high school without one kiss. Almost made it through college as well.
5) Asked to a dance-- I did the asking.
6) Went on a date.
7) Asked to the cool kids party-- my brother had a going away to the Navy party, and it was a huge kegger that my parent's sponsored at my house. I spent the entire night in my room, I didn't want anything to do with these people. They were gross and disgusting, and fast and loose and drinking in my house. I have never felt so humiliated. Ever.
8) On the top ten-- every year at camp, the guys would rate the girls. I scored off the charts for coolness and personality, but looks were the lowest, so I never made top ten. The deaf girl did. I was chubbier, but much hotter than the deaf girl.
9) wear a normal sized graduation gown.
10) Had a real boyfriend-- I hung out with a guy I adored. He broke my heart when for an extra credit assignment he went to the zoo with his buddies and took pictures of the "hippos" who had escaped-- heavy folks that were walking around the zoo with him. I was smalled that the people he videoed. I stopped speaking to him after that. But now that I think of it, he must have loved the chunky girls-- he always wanted to wrestle me. Which I did, primary school foreplay. Ahh, how fucked up is that.


I have never gotten so drunk or high that someone else has had to take care of me, so weak that I have fainted (well, only once and that was a total medical emergency), or been lifted up or carried in a very very long time. I want that. Not the too drunk, but to be carried. I want to get piggyback rides, not give them. I want to get shamu rides, not give them. I want to rest my weight on someone else. Even if it is just for a minute.

I know I will spend more time on this subject. I want to live a fearless existence. Truly fearless. For chrissake's I'm freaking beautiful, under this is a bombshell just waiting, aching, to appear.

And revenge is so sweet and so mine......... just wait fuckers. Just wait.