Something Else

I could tell you all about Mexico, and I will, I promise in another post (I've forgotten the cable to download photos from my camera at my hosts house, and well, I'm not sure when I will get it back). However, this is kind of about Mexico, but more about confidence.

While down there, walking the streets of Condessa, I enjoyed myself. Window shopping, trying clothes on in shops, having cafes in cafes..... wait. record drag. Trying on clothes in shops?

Yes.

A very cute designer with clothes not for the pretty plus person I am and have been for my life had a small sale. I tried on coats, dresses, shirts. Nothing really fit, but it is a matter of pounds. Jackets were slightly tight in the arms, dresses were inappropriate for NYC winters, and the shirts-- well let's say the colors will be better in spring. And also, a matter of being able to look at clothes that aren't from the LB or Avenue and guess about the size I am.

I went to the Luchas-- Luchas Libres-- professional Mexican wrestling. (More on that later) This is what did not happen-- men attacking me for being round, catcalling me as I paid for my mask and beer, or whispering nasty things to me as I lit up a cigarette (it was Mexico, I smoked for 1 week only). What did happen was very nice looking, well educated men lit my cigarette, bought me beverages, and offered to walk us back to the car. In the cafe, another well-educated nice looking man asked me out on a date.

When I went walking on the street where my friend lives, there was no catcalling, no insecurity. I held my head high, and although my Spanish is terrible, I communicated to the world that I am a powerful, sexy, well-educated, beautiful woman, and that I am not an object of lust no more. I am no longer that woman who will "make due" or settle or expect to be whistled at in the street like a dog. I am now desirable in a way I have never been. I am now a catch, whole and complete, because I believe myself to be. The men I encountered smiled, nodded, and quietly lusted, rather than the full frontal vulgarity that happens to women of a certain size with men of a certain age.

I have always been the girl that has made friends with the frat guys so that they won't make fun of her, the girl that has poked fun first, etc etc. Now, I am a woman, solid, proud. No holding my breath as I walk down the street to listen for the inevitable comments. Now I let comments surprise me. For so long, I have been holding my breath, waiting to hear what I have always said to myself "not worth it, ugly, fat, lazy" and now I say something bolder, something more enlightening......

"You are a beautiful woman, an entire package, and a great catch. Stop mucking around with the peanut gallery."

I am turning into the woman I have always wanted to be. The nice thing is that some of my friends from way back are telling me I have always been that for them. Well, now it's the truth, because I have made it so, both inside and out. Confidence abounds, and lordy it's gorgeous.