Back to the Gym

Since I returned from my trip to Spain, I have had the best kind of jet lag. The kind that makes me want to go to bed by 9:30pm and wake up at 5:30am. And it's glorious. I wake up and it is the darkest part before the dawn, everything is still, very few if any noises come from the street below.

And I think, I am the luckiest girl in the world. I have a new lease on life. I choose to live this new day (thanks Dag, if you are still out there). And this new day is full of wonder.

Then my tape recorder in my head goes off with all the negative stuff-- not enough too much, shoulds and shouldn'ts. This morning I turned it off by going to the gym.

Just 25 minutes. Well actually 28. Walking on the treadmill. Fast walking, working up a sweat. Getting hungry for breakfast. Needing to drink water. And sweating. Watching the news, hoping to see a friend anchor on CNN, but coming up with the financial crisis.

And having the tape recorder go off again. Need to pay bills, need to make more money, need to be stable before I start some other chapter of my life. What will all this mean for me, will my firend's business work? Will I be able to go back to school and work? Will I ever let go of the struggle to be better, more, enough? And then I turn up the level and start almost running.

A year ago I wasn't yet cleared to do exercise. This year I am 100 pounds less and almost running with no (or little) effort. I know what will take me to that next level. Intention. Vigilance. Being gentle in times I need to take care of myself emotionally and being bold and powerful when I need to take care of myself physically. Loving myself for where I am at.

I think that's the best-- I love me for where I am at right now. I look at pictures taken a couple years ago and see my sadness, covered up with bright smiles. I think back to picking out every outfit and how it will make me look. And knowing how beautiful I felt in the arms of this one or that one. That I was made to feel beautiful because I was liked, loved or desired.

I feel calm and grown-up. I feel like I can observe my life today without judgement. For today I will do what there is to do, accomplish what I do, leave other tasks for another day. And then tonight I will meet the man on the 7 platform and we will go to a baseball game for a team he loves, and because I love him, I love that team.

All because of jet lag and the gym.