We are not these people anymore

Yesterday, only three days after my mom's 1 year anniversary of her surgery, I sent this note.

Mommy,

While cleaning up pictures in folder at work, I came across this one.

First, happy anniversary. One year ago, on a snowy/rainy morning you took a huge step. You bravely and confidently hopped up onto a table, charmed those nurses and that doctor, and changed your life forever. And you smiled the whole way through it. Without you taking that step, I could have never taken mine. Thank you for giving me life once, and then again. By your example, I am living the life I have always wanted to live.

It’s been an interesting year, uncovering who you are. I know the last 5 months has changed my life forever.

We are not these people anymore. We are the strength that sits in our eyes in these photos. We are women who are not willing to compromise anymore. Thank you for being a teacher of confidence.

I love you. I am so proud of you. Thank you for letting me get to make you as proud.

Kimmie

I guess I wanted to let her know that she was the one that let me say "It's okay" to surgery. To changing my life. To becoming the woman I know I have wanted to be for so long. Many people along the way, including her, have told me how to lose weight, have tried to help me, sometimes even with a little bit of success-- and loved me fiercely-- some being harsh, some being so gentle and some being my partners in crime. I have friends and loved ones that have been my eating partners, my comfort buddies, and no amount of weight loss or gain can take away their connection or importance to me. We have stood up for each other and given comfort and solace during times that have just been too fucking difficult to breathe. During times when we ate to push it down, to lift it up, to laugh and to cry.

After a dinner with an old friend last night, he said "You've changed. It's like you are the person I always saw glimpses of". This is true. Of course, it's not always, but I am more me-- I'm not so angry anymore, I love complexly and I calm myself with soothing environments that have nothing to do with pushing away a feeling with any type of addiction. I want more of this feeling, this standing on top of the mountain feeling and saying yes I can do it.

A glimpse of Melissa Etheridge, Yes I am. Yes I can. I can. I will. I am. My moon must be in the earth mother house of superheroes because today I feel fucking invincible.

Back to before--

I was waiting for something, and in thinking about it, had just given up. Settling for an okay life. Settling. Compromising. Dating who was interested in me, not who I was interested in. Giving up a little part of me every time I thought "Oh, he likes me" rather than "I like him and am going after it". Being stuck in a crappy job, because really "that's all that I am worth". Never having the confidence, even though it looked like I did. Creating this persona of indestructibleness-- of no BS, get out of my f-n way, I will kill you if you even try to say anything to me.

I never thought I could live healthy. Or fully awake.

And John Popper takes it from there.....

And what about the times
Now I'm grabbing out at breaking glass
An attempt to find a memory
That makes it seem glorious or at least okay

But all I have is me
In a razor caught off guard as you brush by
The alarm wakes me out of bed
And the dream I was just having simply fades away

And blindly do I see
At the sunlight I am freezing
And as I start to come around
I want to fall back to the ground
Roll over and make sense again

But its too late I am awake
And its sensation I can't fake
As I try my best to pretend

But once you wake up
You just can't fall back asleep anymore
I know it isn't fair
But once you're aware
You can backtrack all you want
You can mourn for what's gone
But you're up either way
You better deal with your day

I remember I was tired
In fact I still have some sleep in my eyes
So I got all warm and safe and numb
Figured I would lie down and rest a while
Next thing came the morning
And you're shaking me and telling me to rise
And I would tell you anything
To stall and make you think or smile or cry
You see all I need is you
And then I start to understand what love does
Now there's so much that I can give
And I finally want to live
You know before I just didn't really ever care
And I'll do more than hold on
I want to celebrate the dawn
I don't ever want to go back to sleep I swear

But once you wake up
You can't just fall back to sleep anymore
I know it isn't fair
But once you're aware
You can backtrack all you want
You can mourn for what's gone
But you're up either way
You better deal with your day

and here is my mommy's reply to my letter.

What a lovely note – you make me cry. I am so proud of you – a grown woman who knows what she wants and goes after it. Yes, it’s been a very eventful year and I know the best is yet to come – for both of us.

Love always,

Mommy

The best is yet to come.... for sure.