Back to Class

I shared a little bit in class last night. I did have a miracle show up at the holidays. For the first time in forever, I was able to see W's husband as the scared little boy that he is, and just accept him. No fixing or changing, but just acceptance. And we laughed and joked and had a good time.

And I stayed an extra day to hang out, and W's shoulders dipped below her ear level, and we took great photos.

We walked the entire campus of our alma mater. And reminisced about bullets dodged. Mostly hers. And my unrequited loves. I realize I have spent years hiding my loves-- those men that I find relatively attractive and kind and would be interested in dating. I've been hiding those guys for years, or actually hiding from them.

I am a new person. I look at her every day and wonder when she will feel like me.

So, class. I love Landmark Education and hate it at the same time. I have found some of my best friends in this education, had the most amazing training ever-- of just being able to be with people. And reverse, I don't feel the need to invite people to guest events. I just leave the room when the conversation comes up, because truly I am tired of having that conversation over and over again.

But last night we talked about being not deserving. Not deserving is when you feel like you aren't good enough to have something, or this shouldn't happen to you because it's too great. And feeling like a fraud for having a great life. Conversely, deserving is when you walk around like you are owed something. But imagine if you just were, without the conversations of "I am owed that" or "I am not worthy of this" and just were. And then you were open to everything.

Everything would seem like a gift.

That's sometimes how I feel. Sometimes I get tinges of "I shouldn't have had this" or "It's not fair for me to have so much" or "I should share what's mine". But I work hard at a perfectly perfect job in a perfectly perfect career, in a just enough apartment. I create my world and get what it is that I get, and it's all a gift. And I don't have to share if I don't want.

I no longer want to feel bad for having successes or having failures. I don't have to look on the bright side, or become snarky and mean. I can just be.

And this being's got to take her butt to work. Then later, the gym.