I'm not really sure what to say

First-- I did my six month update with the doctor, and am officially down 87 pounds. I wish it were more. I am not complaining, but I also know that I can do better by eating three squares and a snack, and doing water. And I am choosing to have low sugar Popsicles and such in the house, and eating after 8pm. I am cutting that crap out.

My surgeon didn't really even speak to me. Asked me a few questions-- yeah, you are still losing weight, but nothing really at all. I am thinking that for follow up, I may want to change doctors, because honestly, what the heck am I paying him for? His staff didn't get back to me on the types of blood tests I needed to take, and it was like "no big deal". This is my life buddy, and I don't care if you are busy. I am a big deal.

Note to self: Support groups. For a reason.


Second-- Someone stole checks from my checkbook and now I have to deal with check fraud, closing of accounts, etc etc. But, the good news is that I know am so certain of all the money coming in and going out, more so than I have ever been.

Note to self: Lock box in the house.

Third-- The Wookiee. And the universe once again opens its arms and cuddles me when I am too loving, too forgiving, or too blind to watch out for myself and my open heart. This weekend (well, and last weekend too) opened my eyes to the selfish dark nature of human kind, as well as their inability to comprehend hurt, sadness and longing. The good news is that from now I don't have to cheapen myself to be friends, acquaintances or lovers with anyone I don't have a profound affection for.

The third one I am still reeling from. We went to this thing, not quite a faire, not quite a show, and although it was a weekend long date, he had sex with another woman, which of course, I accidentally walked in on. When he came back downstairs, I was angry, but more hurt, because I felt cheap. I felt disgusting. And I felt this way because I was out of integrity with myself, because I was being in a not really kind of relationship with this man that I knew was not emotionally available and who, although fun, is not boyfriend material for me. And I was the one that set the boundaries-- i said "we know exactly what this is" and "you are not my boyfriend". However, I also encouraged him to go after this girl because I knew he wanted to. And he did. I completely underestimated his ability to get in on the action and completely overestimated his ability to read my mind.

Note to self: only I can read minds.

Anyhow, I tried not to do the drama about it. He comes to me, as I am drinking coffee in the room where people are fighting with fake swords and stuff. And he smells like sex and sweat, tries to kiss me to which eww happens and he says "i brushed after". Proceeds to tell me all about the event, relishing in the details. And he has pictures, do I want to see? And my disgust doesn't register on my face. I reach out, put my hand on his arm and say "Wow, I completely underestimated you" and go on to tell him that it's time for me to cut bait, that this isn't my scene, and I have to go, to get out of here. And he asks if this is about what just happened, and I say yes, I feel cheap and dirty and disgusting. And that I am going up to the room alone and packing up my things and calling a cab and going back to my apartment. He is confused, almost hurt, but I am not going to give him the chance to let me beat him up. Because that's what I want to do. I want to unleash that part of Kim that is so so so ready to slay him. However, he is a person, and people make mistakes, over or under estimate each other, get confused and move on.

"Can I walk you out?"

No. It's time for me to be a big girl about this. Go have fun, have your weekend. There are so many things I wanted to say, insult his manhood, his integrity, insult his performance, but I couldn't. I realized it just wasn't worth it, and it was time for me to heal, feel sad or feel mad, go up to the room by myself and pack up my things and get out of there.

I love when the universe kicks me in the gut with something SO OBVIOUS and says "wake the fuck up ".

Thank you, lovely universe. I'll listen more clearly now.