I know my pouch works. It only holds about 1/2 to 3/4 cup of food. I know this.
What I was doing was eating, then resting, then eating again. Drinking water with meals. Sitting in front of the TV to eat. No longer.
Snacking is not a good idea, neither is vending machines at work. The everyday starbucks is no longer. Upped the protein, put away the scale. Just put it away. I'll weigh myself in a week. Maybe every Saturday will be weigh in day. Hmmm.
Going back to all liquid protein diet was hard. Sweaty hard. Just trying to make it through the day without snacking is hard. Moderation. Moderation. Worked out, and am feeling my waist getting smaller. Liking that. seeing my arms get saggy, not so much liking that.... but life happens.
Back to therapy. Back to working on Maddie. Back to holding the space for a 10 year old frustrated girl to come out. I know I am stuck at this weight because I have something to learn. Something about things being enough. Having enough. Being someone who is enough, smart enough, pretty enough, kind enough, gentle enough, who has enough. Just enough.
Creating the future is what's next for me. The universe keeps giving me signs. Someone opened a bank account in my name-- yup, stolen identity. That fucking sucks. My weight is the same within 3 pounds for the last five months. Yup, that fucking sucks. The sad part, I can't tell what I am more disappointed with.
Here's the deal, I have no future to live into (not in the I don't want to live way, but in the well... read what's next)-- I haven't created what's next. I'm in a place at work that's reactive, I am in a place in life waiting for someone else, I am in an apartment that's comfortable. I have a comfortable life, but nothing that I am striving for, nothing that I am working for. I haven't declared what I want. I have no goal.
Next post, goals. Creating what's next. I am anxiously awaiting very cool cousin to arrive. My house is not clean enough, and I still have work to do, but he's coming. With him, I'm creating what's next. I can feel it.
Much love to you all. Friends, stop being lurkers. Just send me emails at possibility614@yahoo.com and jump on board. It's a great place to puke up concerns to the universe and maybe get some answers, but really just get people to hear your concerns and listen.
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3 comments:
/delurk :)
Good for you! You know what they say about owning your mistakes. We've all been there though. What matters now is the next step and there is no need in telling you how to move forward, because girl, you got this!
/resume lurk :)
Yo lady, I wrote to the Yahoo address. Never heard back!!!
Love reading your stuff, Kim!
Maybe you need to look at the weight staying the same within three pounds in a positive light? You know you've been snacking and drinking with meals, and your weight has stayed pretty much the same! That's a GOOD thing! So no, you haven't really lost in a few months, but how would it feel to have gained five or ten pounds? You're staying the path, girl and that is nothing to sneeze at!
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