So after the dentist (which really did nothing) I went into St. Patrick's Cathedral and sat. I had a couple of hours to kill, and being in a very beautiful almost quiet place might just be the place to calm my blues and have me get to the bottom of the blues.
I sat. I prayed. I prayed. I always talk to God in some unorganized way, I believe that organized religion is worthwhile for those that find it worthwhile, much like the biking (hiking, camping, singing, theater, BDSM, kite-flying, vegan, recovery, etc etc) community is worthwhile for those that find it worthwhile. I am not against nor for. My spirituality is uncovered in the shades of gray (grey?) that is between cake or death.
So I am sitting there talking to God. Pouring my little heart out.
"Why me, why did I have to lose my fabulous "I love my job" job? Why did you give me everything and then take it away? Why can't I find anything that I love as much, why am I sitting on a pew in a church with tourists swarming around me taking pictures, bawling.
Why does this keep happening to me, I find something extraordinary and then I lose it? This has to be my fault, right? How come I just didn't get along with that woman and suck it up, why didn't I play the political game and make friends and make nice with that other guy and jockey for a better position. Why did I have to be so sure of myself, why did I have to be so snarky.
I MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG, I AM BAD!!! THIS IS MY PUNISHMENT!
I know this is my fault, I did something wrong and my dream job got taken away and it's gone forever and it's never coming back and I am going to have to find something to pay the bills and I am scared that I won't get recognized for the good work that I do, and I am so so scared that James and I are not going to make it financially because he is so scared of trying to find something with his passion and it's taking everything I have to support him emotionally so that he can get up and move in here already and I am just so tired and so exhausted and I can't even eat to shove this all down, I can't drink and I quit smoking. "
(bawling bawling, snotting crying, more why me's and finally, like a baby that cries themself calm, I sat. Sat for a hour. Just sitting, thinking, smelling the incense, rage-less against the world, taking in the sounds of people and marble floors and the cool cool of the Church. And calmed down. And said thank you)
"So I know you must have some delicious master plan that I am not privy to at this point but really, God, I love you and thank you for my health and my family and showing me that miracles do happen and confidence comes from self, not from others. But if you could just show me a sign of some sort that would have me know that I'll be okay and I'll get through this, I'd really appreciate it."
Upon leaving Church, having calmed down considerably, I tooled around before visiting a friend after work. I called my mom--the woman who two days after my layoff said "you might want to consider taking things you wouldn't normally take" and that "I can put you on my payroll again". I know she means well, but her words come at me and linger with me like little teeny tiny knives, and she has no idea that she's doing it. She says I am too sensitive, I say that I am human and don't think being mean is the same as being funny-- just because it makes you laugh it is not humor.
I don't know why I reached out to her, except I was sitting at a fountain in Rockefeller center wanting to smoke but not going to-- and I needed my mommy because I was about to cry again. At first she said "Don't be sad" but after I explained that I have nothing that will help me hold this down and it's just coming up-- she said-- cry all you want, baby. It's okay. You are going to be just fine, you'll find something better and it will be the next adventure."
She gave me permission to mourn. Actually encouraged me to mourn, to be sad, to get away for a couple days, to just be. That's my sign. My mom gave me that sign. She said "You have been trying to be brave and you just need some time away to regroup to be sad. You have to or else it's going to eat you up inside."
So, I am mourning-- full out crying and snotting and sad and angry and everything mourning. I loved loved loved my job, so I am sure there will be posts about it in the future. And yes, I have so many things to be thankful for, so I am going to do my best to be thankful and joyous for the things I do have, and contemplate on the things I don't, and grieve the things I have lost. And one day soon, I will pick myself up and dust myself off and say ENOUGH and begin again.
Until then, I am going to snot and cry over here.
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5 comments:
Crying can be very cathartic I find. Your feelings are valid, whatever they are and you shouldn't negate them or think "I shouldn't be feeling this way". You do, and that's all that matters. Listen to your body telling you what it needs (to be sad, to be happy, to mourn, etc.) and ultimately you will be better for it, rather than stuffing the feelings away with other substances. HUGS - you sound like you are doing great actually.
hi, I don't know if my comment will help at all, as its sort of hard to write it in the same way I would say it if I was speaking to you in person.
But, I've been through what your going through, even the talks with God, then I happened to sit in a church service (which I hadn't done for years) and the pastor started talking about how we often turn to God when our life turns to custard. (mmmmmm,,, this service was going to be interesting).
Anyway, the guts of it was that in life we often get so caught up in what we have and our job and our family that those things devine us. We are those things. We allow our sense of self worth to come from how much we earn, what position we hold, where we live, what what we wear (and often this also stems over into what our family do for work, and their perceived 'social status' as well.
But we are none of those things. In reality our sense of self worth HAS to come from who we are without any of those things. ie, Our spiritually, (what we connect with outside ourselves), and how we treat others, and the values we place on whats important (ourside of 'things') because if/when everything else crashes and burns, thats all we have.
And what a harsh reality check it is to wake up and realised we had defined our whole exisitance on things that can be taken from us, rather then the things that can't.
Character cannot be taken from us, nor can integrity, compassion or
strength of spirit. I know its a hard learning curve as I've had this exact same thing take place in my own life, but believe me, these things are things that need to define us and if they are lacking, or if there are deficeits in these areas then they are the holes that need to be filled more then the other stuff that we think makes us who we are.
I hope all that made sense. Its not easy and your Mother is right, it takes time. You will mourn and its human nature to feel this way and its ok to tell God this. He won't even be surprised. How can he be, when he designed us to be this way.
In fact, it was this very situation that re-focused my whole life. If my self worth ever comes from wearing a chic pair of designer leather boots again or from thinking my job is a status symbol, I will personally slap myself over the head, as the other stuff is what truely matters.
Things like job security is often out of our control, so why do we place our whole identiy in something that isn't even tangible.
Food for thought my sweet.
You are a strong and resourceful woman, but I think you need to look at who you are as a person from within, rather then using the props of life (things) as all there is to you. You are sooooooo much more then all that.
Thank you ladies. All comments do help-- it pulls me out of poor me into something way better.
Hi Kim,
I'm so sorry you've been having such a rough time lately. As with any significant loss in your life, you definitely DO need to take the time to mourn. Love reading your blog, and vent away.. we're all here for you!
Being without work is scary as I've been there. I was downsized from a job I'd held for 12 years. But unlike you, I hated the place, but the money was great, the benfits amazing and I never would have left had they not forced the issue. I could have reapplied (they do that...at the end of a quarter, they will downsize to make budget or whatever and then rehire some of the folks they let go..insanity) but I decided that God was setting me up for something else. Something different. I was unemployed for six months with severence, as like you, the economy was not good when I lost my job. I lost my job in August of 2001 and we all know what happened September 11th of that year. So I searched and was scared, but kept on trusting God to get me where he wanted me. What resulted was having a few different, much more interesting jobs for a time, which opened my eyes to so many things.
Be patient, Kim. The right place is out there and when the right time comes, you will be where you need to be. Mourning is good...I never really mourned my lost job because I hated it, but what I held was anger at them for letting me go. In the long run, it was the best thing that ever happened to me; it just took me awhile to see it.
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