Talked to Krismas tonight. She is so smart, so lovely, so kind. I am proud of being a non-smoker too.
We talked about the lessons to be learned from having great men in our lives, even if it is not a relationship that is one of serious relationship. That doesn't make sense. Okay, having a relationship with a man you trust that has no sex invloved. There, that's better.
What are the lessons to learn-- trust. Trust is a huge one for me. Trust trust trust. Being with someone, open enough to trust him. I have to find out all the information on him-- but there is nothing to find out. He is who he tells me he is. There is nothing. Just love.
I gave myself a spiritual hug today. Work with TK. Trust trust trust. I hate it. I love it. I want to turn myself inside out with fear and anxiety, and take a long walk in the woods with TK to have him teach me whatever he knows. He's meant to be some kind of breakthrough for me-- and it sucks because I would feel better being vulnerable with a woman. Not a guy-- and a cute guy at that. I can't even look him in the eye sometimes. The good news is that when I can, I dont feel like punching him. Which is a significant improvement.
So what to do. Let him continue dis-arming me, peeling layer and layer back from what I have created myself to be. To become me. Or that me inside. And take walks in the woods. Or at least, take walks in the woods metaphorically. Discover, wander and uncover. Love myself along the way, treat myself lovingly.
I can't expect someone else to carry me and him at the same time. I'll support my weight, and support him too when necessary, but neither of us will carry our collective load all the time.
When I choose to open up to a relationship, omigod, watch out. It will be a beautiful nightmare, saturated in love and promise and trust. Hopefully some great sex too. But one step at a time, one step at a time.
No comments:
Post a Comment