Beyond Expectations

So there is a new boy. Man. In my life. Let me recount last night for you.

I made dinner. He said he likes pasta, I made pasta. Good high protein kamut spirals with low fat cheese and my own sauce with turkey sausage. Low in fat, high in flavor. As I was making it I kept wondering "I hope he hasn't eaten yet, I hope he likes this." It was a little past the time when he should have arrived, and I though, "I hope he didn't get into an accident, what would happen-- would anyone call me?"

I started thinking about how great this relationship has been going. That its dreamy and solid, and its gentle and kind. And no drama. We both agree that we weren't experiencing fireworks on the first date, and good for that, because we got to know each other. And then I thought about how it could all be taken away from me with a bad car accident. I said a silent prayer, "please keep him safe". I couldn't sit still. Up from the computer, stir the sauce, calm down, up from the couch, do the dishes, sit down.

He arrived. I was worried about you, was there traffic? "Yes, a lot and I left late. " I calmed down considerably. He ate dinner and then some of mine. He liked it-- I didn't tell him it was good for him, he'll just have to live with the fact that things taste different over here.

We sat and smooched on the couch, listening to music. Eva Cassidy came on, and I told him the story of Mills and San Fernando mission and how much I miss him and it's not fair that people are taken away suddenly. Then Over the Rainbow came on and I told him it was my favorite song of hers, and my mom has requested it to be played when she passes on, and again I don't want to think about it ever and I promised her it would be. And with his head in my lap, he looked up at me. Tears were in his eyes. "Are you tired?" "No, my eyes are just watery".

Eventually, we made our way to the bedroom for some pillow talk. Gazing into each other's eyes, kissing, holding. He starts talking. Telling me how lucky he is and he wants this part to last. And that he wants me to be happy, he wants to make me happy like it's his job to do, and he's so excited for this adventure of me losing weight because he knows what it's like to be a fat kid and not want to take his shirt off at the pool and not fit in. I start crying. He tells me I am beautiful and a real woman and strong and kind. And he holds me closer and I weep into his shoulder.

He understands.

I tell him that it's odd to be with someone that has limited drama. I tell him about crazy dates I had and how since our first date, I am only thinking of him. I tell him that he is completely normal, and he takes it like its the best thing in the world, and it is. I tell him that I am still scared that there is something in the background that might scare me, and he says there's nothing. Looking into those pools of brown green, he repeats it. Then I say and mean "I trust you."

I trust you.

Then he starts crying a little bit, and I realize I have met my match, a man that can cry like me. As hard as he can look, with that voice of intimidation, he tells me that he sometimes forgets what I look like, the way my mouth moves when I talk, the way I play with my hair and that every time he sees me it's like meeting me again and again for the first time. And that he wants to hear me talk about how I am feeling, although there will come a day when he doesn't (Jackass), and I responded that "on those occasions I'll make sure the Mets are on so you'll have something to do..." We tease each other..... we both wrestle with how ticklish we are..... we both sing along with the music.....He's a total softie, and he's sentimental. And he's just choked up by me trusting him, because I am telling him that he does know me very well and I am uncomfortable being so vulnerable to another human, and he sees me, really sees me for who I am.

And we are laying in bed, fully clothed, holding one another and crying because our hearts have opened up to each other.

He tells me that he was crying earlier, because Over the Rainbow was the most beautiful song he's heard. But he didn't want to let me know he was sentimental because that's not guy behavior. I told him that I love the soft part of him. And that I know and "you'd tell me in due time".

I asked him if I could call him my boyfriend. He said yes on the caveat that he could call me his girlfriend. I agreed. More kissing, and then goodbye.

He makes me so very happy. I trust him. He's a good man. I'm not letting this one go.