I spent time writing in another space, one that held me through some tough times. I wanted to share the squishier side of me, the side that is not so rough and tumble. And I wanted to get away from having many many blogs, so it's now all in one.....
Hmm, I like it more.
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Stretched....Enlightened.
On the way to happily ever after, there are always a few bumps in the road. Most specifically, having a partner to share in the dream of happily ever after. But it doesn't have to be a dream, right.
I went out with C. the other night, and we made a pact to stop living practice lives-- or saving things for "maybe someday but not now" pile. That's where I have lived most of my life-- maybe someday for me, but not now. Not now for a relationship, not now for the awesome job, not now for the apartment I can be proud of, not now for meeting up with people I love to hang out and be together.
With this new career, I have to live in the now, and take care of things in the now. This feels great! To use my skills, my brain, my life in a way that has me feel taken care of and that I feel like I am learning something, and doing good. Instead of being smart, I can see that others expect it of me, and I rise to the challenge, and I am well liked and respected.
So in one area of my life, I am becoming more fufilled than I thought possible. Yes, around 4:30 on Friday I start to see the slump of the weekend, not sharing with that partner I'd like to be with, the imaginary boyfriend who will shire me away to our apartment and have the weekend to ourselves, sharing the city and each other's company until it is almost too much to bear. I want that.
I don't have that yet. What I have is NY Times online reading to do and learning about what it is I am here for. The creator put me on the Earth for something majestic, and it's up to me to keep following my instincts to what that is.....
Back to the non-practice life. I smiled at a man on the subway, he gave me his seat. Next day, same man, same smile, same seat. Unprecedented. That has never happened before. And being honest with MT-- saying what is so for me, and deepening friendship. Even when what it so is sadness, a wave of depression, I just rode it out, went to bed and woke up clearer, invigorated, and looking to express myself.
One step in being in the game, and not the practice is to get out and meet men. It doesn't matter who, just to meet, have small talk, flirt. Open myself up, get hurt if need be, and live. Another step is to create the day I want to have.
I create my day to be glorious. To be fufilled in every aspect, using my heart, mind and soul to touch others in a way that leaves them inspired. To honor those around me for their gifts, and to honor what I do not know will come. I will tread lightly, listen more, and be someone who is expressed and loved. If my day is going my way, the universe will show me signs that I am fufilled.
That oughta do it.
posted by Kim @ 8:06 AM 0 comments
Monday, April 24, 2006
Thinking.....
I have started thinking about dating again. I really hate the getting to know you period, I tend to ask a lot of questions, because I am getting the context to frame this stranger who sits in front of me.
Where they a good kid, or kind of a mess up?
Do they have a relationship with their family?
What about college, for them? Not for them?
Do they like their life, their job, their apartment, their friends?
What do they want out of life, what's their mark they want to leave?
Yah, just a bit intimidating.
I tend to be an information gather-er-- looking for interesting bits and pieces that make up the mosaic of the man in front of me. When I was with MT, and engaged, there was a moment as I was in the car with an old friend who was driving me to the airport-- "Stay engaged for a year-- through all the seasons and you will know everything you need to make a decision." What a concept. There is no hiding anything after a year, it's just as it is. No one can keep up that face or front for a whole year, there will be fights, there will be tears, and you will understand the measure of the man you have chosen.
I think it's great advice.
Not that there was anything wrong-- but you really can see what it is you are getting into after a year. Every season turns, every person has their ups and downs, and it is how you can work through it together. With MT, there was a great amount of safety, I felt comfortable with him in most everything. A great man. Through the seasons, if we had stood the test of time, might have told a different story. Alas, not for me.
I'm kind of an open book. I share everything, hold back only what's necessary. Life's too short. However, I do not live in the past, reliving glory days. When the moment creeps up on me, then I reminiscence and move on. I like my life, there are some aspects maybe I would change, but overall, I'm a good kid, a good girl, that likes to live a little on the edge sometimes, but most nights, you'll find me surrounded by friends, laughing. I like that.
So, thinking about dating again. Hmmm. Ask more questions up front. That's what I am gonna do. Reserve judgment. Be honest with being uncomfortable. Laugh loudly. Kiss more. Kiss a lot more.
I love to kiss. I need to find a man to kiss me back. Now that would be nice.
posted by Kim @ 6:35 PM 0 comments
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Oh, by the way....
Yes, that's how it started. A new job has caused me to be out of touch in a lot of realms. So i come back from a late night party and call MT. Idle chit-chat, catching each other up on life. And then...
oh, by the way.
He and another are getting married. Soonish, and low key, but happily ever after. She'll be his wife, and he'll be her husband. And life works out again.
I am truly happy for him, it is what he wants, what he needs. What he truly desires, all strings attached, and firmly in place. And I am tiny bits of jealous, and that doesn't work-- like jealous it's so soon, jealous it's not me, jealous that it will never be me. She'll have him at her side. He will be at her side. And that's forever.
And slowly I heal from the most deliciously devasting relationship I have ever had.
I love him, and continue to do so. There is something that is magestic and magnetic about him, and the chemistry is palpable. I wish I could have been a better stronger woman for him, take him in regards to no obstacles, and love him with nothing in the way. But alas, it was not meant to be.
The good news is she is lovely and everything he could ever ask for, and she treats him well and loves him for everything he is and is not. And that is beautiful and perfect. I pray for her strength and beauty, her grace and generosity. I pray for their future together, growing, learning, shifting and changing. Becoming a family together, merging lives together, becoming one. For that, I send my prayers to the universe, and leave it in its hands to decide their fate.
Such is life.
So what does this mean for me? Nothing really. Just wistful moments on what could have been. Ahh, like that Tiffany song, a little cheesy, sentimental, and always on the radio when I least expect it, catching me in moments that has me shed a silent tear.
May the universe bless your paths together, may your happiness be his, and his happiness be yours, may your lives entertwine and create a mosaic, a tapestry of love, honor, respect and joy forever.
I am now going to take the silent moments of my emptiness for myself. Become the watcher, become the background, and create the day to uncover my love.
oh by the way, thank you for this final release. It brings me peace.
posted by Kim @ 12:03 PM 0 comments
Sunday, March 05, 2006
One day more.....
Yesterday I spent the day napping and thinking. Thinking about what I want, and what others think I need. I know I need to take better care of myself, to give me the love and affection I deserve, that I give generously to others. Not wanting to get up and take action quite yet.
One of the things I want to accomplish this year is becoming a non-smoker. I have said it for years, and something says now is the time. Now is all we have really. I know I hide away behind a smoke shield so I can keep people away, keep people from getting to me, from getting to physically close, and so I can be a whole unit unto myself. I am tired of it, and now is the time to break the habit.
Also, I want to be someone that takes care of herself, regardless of how it looks. For instance, exercise always feels so delicious, and yet I make excuses of why I do not do it. Why I eat a certain way when I know it could be just as easy to eat another way. And it is just about taking care of me, so I can be the best me I can be.
Dating, not even thinking about it. A prospect to play with, perhaps, but dating no. Still talking to MT, still have that going. I do love him, he opened me in a way to truly know myself but I feel like this too will fade because I am confused by it. I feel un-needed, and it has me question his intentions. Hmmm.
I get that I need to be needed in a relationship, whatever it is, because it puts me in action, into the doing of life. Being is the hard part.
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