Last night I was looking at pictures of myself. Actually it was yesterday afternoon, just prior to getting my haircut because I wanted the same bangs I had years ago.
Looking at my round face surprised me. It was odd to see a different me than the one I have gotten used to over the last year. I can say now that I can see the difference, and I am different now than I was then.
I looked at her, she was brave, but sad. Lonely. Now, not so sad and lonely. Just anxious.
Anxious about gaining weight, becoming an alcoholic, being someone who can't help but sabotage themselves at every step. Anxious about what's next, not knowing, not being able to create the life I want.
Before, I could blame it on weight. Now, I can't. I mean, I can, I am still (what seems like eons) away from a goal weight that resides in the range of low overweight or "normal". I still have 70+ pounds to lose before a hard and fast sheet of paper can declare me "normal". As in normal BMI. I understand, I am tall, and have pounds of excess skin that could be a factor, but wen it is all said and done, at least 60 pounds have got to peel off before I can consider myself victorious.
So yeah, I guess I can still blame it on weight. But I don't. Now it is clear to me that the person I used to be was a little more resilient to anxiety. She ate it away, and did whatever she had to so she could have the life she wanted. Or what she thought she "could" have. So then, things weren't as big of a disappointment when they didn't happen.
I'm done posting about that.
Last night James had to peel me off the bathroom floor because I drank a bottle of wine in the span of an hour. I didn't get sick, just dizzy. And I laid down in my tiny bathroom and used a towel for a pillow and fell asleep. Not because I was tired, but because I was wasted. I had a flashback to being a kid and seeing myself do the same thing with my mom. As we went back to the bedroom, I kept asking where James was, because I was convinced that the person taking me to my bedroom was my dad. So wasted, altered reality.
Apologetic, and looking into his eyes this morning I saw his fear and sadness for me. This has to stop. It's everything I didn't want.
And it's entirely NOT who I was. This is a new facet of me, and I'm not pleased. And I will make changes, small changes, and nip this in the bud. Prune this wallow tree. Yes, I said wallow tree.
Off to walk. Or just get out of the house.
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3 comments:
My sister.
What is this hole we are trying to fill? The two of us in such different places in our lives? What is it that we are really looking for? And how is it that two people as self-aware as we are, can do this to themselves?
It's a mystery I am hoping to solve.
I wish I knew what the hole is that needs filling. It's something to do with self-worth, being vulnerable (or not wanting to be vulnerable), and something else.
I keep thinking why I feel like I need to keep safe, and safe to me means don't touch me. SMoking, drinking, gaining weight are all ways to not have people touch me.
We'll figure it out.
Maybe if you declared yourself victorious right now, right this second, the rest of the way won't be such a struggle. I know how it is to have a goal and not be there yet. You're very brave to put so much of yourself out here for us to read about. You WILL figure this out!!
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