Keep hanging on

AS I begin to write I think that there is not much to say, but so much.

Here goes:

Hanging on to memories, to days faded away, to the things I thought you said, the things you didn't say.
Wistful.
What could have been.
What was never to be.

The release doesn't feel real.
Last words spoken are forgotten.
Except goodbye.
Except goodbye.

Goodbye forever.
You weigh on my mind still.
Thoughts of you
dragged around in a little toy wagon.
Discarded notes, backs of envelopes
to someone else they are trash.
To me, that's all I have.

Everything clings to me
I'm a magnet.

I keep cleaning out the things
the memories
the visual reminders.
My body remembers everything about you.
My body rejects it slowly.
A wound that is slow to heal.

I'm in a different space now
but really it's more of the same.
I keep telling myself that tommorrow
tommorrow, tommorrow
this will get better.
That I will go on, not investigating what you are up to
who you are with, and what you are doing.
That I will not build pieces of you into a story
as if I am still in your life
as if I am still someone who matters to you.

Do I?
but really it isn't important.
but do i? Am I?

these are the constant questions.... am i?

Am I enough
am I too much
am i pretty, witty, wise and loving.
am I here for you
when I am not here for myself
and how ashamed I am of that.
How ashamed I am.

I've turned you into a brilliant cocktail story
replete with a punchline that supports my work.
you were more than that. so much more.

my eyes darken
my mouth turns up in the corner.
I haven't looked at myself in years,
really looked at myself.
I didn't need to, you did it for me.
You tried to do it all for me, I wanted to share that responsibility.
I wanted to take away your responsibility to the world.
it wasn't to be.

Sad.
Alone.
Lonely and confused. Filled with love, but it's emptiness too.
Trying, but no try, only do.
Okay, so thinking about what's next.
How about what's now. What is now.
Now is filled with smoke
a haze, a fog.
my knees hurt, my heart hurts.
my skin is dry and I never drink enough water.
I never drink enough water.

It takes all I have to go
carry this burden
hold it up, throw it on the table every day and say
"In spite of this, I am worth it"
when all I feel is the weight.
When all I feel is that toy wagon
shiny and red
following me around wherever I go.
wherever I go.

I could destroy you
I have that power.
That power scares me.
I will not.

I'll keep hanging on.
I'll keep hanging on.
Happiness is so close, I can taste it in each bite, and then it floats away.
I keep putting it in my mouth to ingest, and it falls away.
it tastes like sand.

It breaks my heart.
It breaks my heart.

My heart is not broken.
It is wounded.

Focus on something else for a while, focus on this
or that
or this again.
Heal it. WIll it to be healed.
Run, or think about it.
Try to get away from it, control it, manipulate it.

Am I worthy?
Am I loved?