Blocked-- and still writing

I wrote those words yeasterday as part of a release. Today I blocked him from getting in touch with me.

I feel sick.

Sick, but good sick. Like the feeling right before the rollercoaster goes down the hill. Good. Empty. With nothing to fill up the space. And being with the nothing to fill up the space.

He wouldn't reach out, not even if I wanted him to. Because goodbye happened months ago. On my couch, in each others arms, me crying, things have changed, things are going to keep changing, and even though I choose the change, I don't choose the feeling of emptiness. Or any of the feelings that go along with it.

So what am I filling up my space with.....

I started doing body work-- working through a lot of the issues as they come up, with an awesome man. With him I feel safe, and it's a structured environment. It's not quite massage, not quite polarity therapy, but something in-between. And I walk out of there feeling released and comfortable in my body, in myself. Feeling like I am totally relaxed. Doing my best to not feel an attraction to him, to not get into that pattern. Male attention, any male attention ends up being uncomfortable, and then working with someone who has me feel safe, it's like "Wow, I've found it".

I must remember that the someone out there isn't waiting to be found. The nameless faceless man and me are not lost. There is no finding. It's all discovery. And just because there is some kind of exchange and release, it does not constitute a relationship, a crush, or anything else of the sort. Not that it wouldn't be welcomed, but then I keep pulling myself out of the moment. Just opening my heart a little doesn't mean that I have to close it again. Just keep opening.

Okay, that's it for now. It's Christmas, I have on a new flannel nightie, my house is clean, and I feel great. I loved spending time with the family, I loved all my gifts (new socks, yipee, no really, yipee), and spoke to loved ones and such. I have an amazing life. I must remember that when the valleys get too low.

Peace.

Kim