I have to remember how I feel right now.

I never think of myself as huge, and then, I see a picture of me. Taken just moments before, and go, who's that? That is me, this large thing I have become.

Does it make me ugly-- no. Does it make me uncomfortable? Yes. Because regardless of my size, I will always be a big girl, a girl with big dreams, big ideas, big laughs, big cries. Big is just an adjective to describe everything I am, larger than life, whole, grounded, huge, powerful, monstrous, giant, glamorous, glamazon, Amazon, strong, bold, audacious, bodacious.....

We went to lunch for the mouse's birthday, and she said something snappish to me. I really don't care if she doesn't like me, but she is my boss. Maybe she should stop competing with me, and just manage me, and we could get along great. Ever think of that, squeak squeak?

But this isn't about her, in fact she is a waste of space on here. No offense, squeak squeak, but this is about big girls.

So there I am larger than life in a picture with my boss and her boss and the other girls I work with, and I am huge. Huge huge huge. And I can feel it because I haven't worked out in a week or two, and I have been sleeping so much, and I just feel blah. And then proceeded to belong to the clean plate club, and then buy a pair of cockroach killers at the NJ strip mall we were at. And wonder when we are having cake for her birthday. I have no shame.

And I realize that I want to be healthy. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see, or be on the way to liking it. And I am tired of just being tired. Bit by bit it drags me down. Small deaths. A la petite morte-- which is little deaths and orgasms in French. Hmm, more on sex later.

I want an old fashioned merry go round-- the one from the seventies that was metal and rusty and if you stayed in the middle and looked up, your stomach turned flip flops, but your eyes could focus on the one spot in the sky while the world around you spun out of control.

So, to the gym. Walk, breathe the air (without the filter of smoke). Play again. Play play play. Spin out of control as the whole world stays in one place.