Big Girl on Dating

It's past the millennium, and I didn't become the youngest woman president of the United States. It may have had something to do with smoking pot in college, I think I lost my focus there. And so then I move to NYC, to meet the man of my dreams-- however working in theater, I am more likely to meet the Will to my Grace, or the woman of my dreams, neither of which provide me with the kind of satisfaction I am looking for. Bars, ehhh, community clubs and networking event-- for type A's that are still trying to get their resumes to look well rounded. Classes-- yes, I met a lot of men in them, however, nothing sticks. Online dating.... hmmmm.

I tried online dating a couple years ago, met a funny guy and then talked to him over the phone. It was a nice click. Then on our first and only date, he picks me up in his car, which has a baby seat in the back. No problem. When we are at drinks he tells me he is still married, and his wife is cheating on him so this, for him is payback. Now I am intrigued. But not going to sleep with him. Here's a guy that for all intents and purposes, is a total slob, and unkempt, he is dowdy and has small hands (small hands on a man creep me out, their fingers take on the look of fat little sausages, and they are meaty like a homemade hamburger patty) and HE is MARRIED. I am thinking there is something wrong with me. I end the date, and never speak to him again. And swear off online dating.

Flash forward to two months ago. Online again. In the interim, I have dated three different men at work and in classes. Although none of them did it for me, they were nice, and I learned a few things. I go out on a date with a man who is interesting, but different. Total spark, however, he is a trekkie. A big time trekkie. And to top it off, he cross dresses to express himself. As if being a trekkie wasn't expressive enough. Without that information, I could have been in a longer term serious relationship. However, I had just recently dated a girl, and wanted no part of the alternative lifestyle. The cross dressing trekkie becomes my friend, and again, I think to myself, it must be me. I am doing something wrong. Regardless of how much I like this guy, there is no way I can ever introduce him to my parents-- "Hi mom meet X. No his eyeshadow isn't garish." Here's the worst part, his shoe size is much smaller than mine. And therefore, he has better shoes. That bitch.

So I try again. The next one I meet twitches and shakes over coffee. Well, maybe it is the coffee. And when he speaks to me, it's like he's not really in the conversation at all. "Yeah, I worked for X, yeah yeah, great job." a little while later... "Yeah, I worked for X, yeah yeah, great job." Umm, yeah, you told me about it already. "Oh really, huh, hahahaha, yeah, well I worked for X" Get the picture?

After talking about it with my roommate, I discover that I am really at ease in new social situations. Maybe he wasn't. Okay, so we talk on the phone a week later. "Yeah, I worked for X, yeah yeah, great job." Next.

I then go to a site that caters to women who are luscious and big, and men who are looking to date them. Some of the profile names include "BigDick4BBW" (no his name is not Richard) "Luv4AMPLE" "LuvFatChicks" etc, etc. Yes, I am a BBW, a plus size, zaftig, large, heavy, curvy, and a big girl, however, being someone's fetish is not my style. We'll get into fetishes later. I read some of the profiles-- I'm into fishing and Harley shows, I want a super sized woman to smother me, I want to be dominated (hmm, check him off as interesting), I am an ultra conservative, Rush is my God (and not the band). And still I think there must be something wrong with me.

I am not going to cater to the lowest common denominator, I am not going to be that girl who is just in it for fun. I want a partner, somewhere he is out there. I want partnership, where I can say anything to him, create our world together, where there is no fishing and Harley shows, where muscles are used for work, not display, where I can be comfortable introducing him to my folks, where I can be loved and give love freely... I want the whole package. I want smart, smart ass, funny, witty and wry. I want to be held before I sleep, and holding nothing back. I want creative inventive dates, I want to be wooed. I want future plans made beyond tomorrow, I want a life where we only struggle because we want something more, and there is work to be done before we can get there.

So, I'll keep sifting through the crap, and find a gem. He's gotta be right in front of me somewhere, I just know it. And if I have to take a ride on the back of a motorcycle to find him, I will.

But I swear, I am not going fishing. At least not this week.