A lot of Time on my hands

Since I have begun the great job search of 2009, I have a lot of time on my hands. This marks the second morning in a row where I have woken up on the couch with all the lights on. I know I am not taking care of myself-- late night eating, drinking wine, smoking, doing all the things I know better than to do.

I still don't feel depressed that I lost my job. A little sad, upset that I don't have a schedule to adhere to. What I think I hate the most is the vast ocean of time that I have to fill in. Everything feels like an emergency, if there is a job that looks interesting, I get sweaty and start thinking about going back to work in a made up environment with bitchy new boss, and that gets me down. I think the last few weeks of working at that place was a bit of a blow to my ego.

Prior to December, I had a great boss who was understanding, sometimes too much, and I worked hard. I did all my work, and did it well. When the new one came on board, not so much. My time was managed for me, I was no longer doing the same things I had been doing before. And to top it off, I was burned out. I traveled a ton, I worked my little heart out, I didn't take sick days when I was sick, I just worked from home, usually late into the night.

Awww. That's over now.

So I have a lot of time on my hands. And am filling the days.

Today I have chosen to de-tox from the carb monster. And to let go of this old stuff that surrounds me. I have a resume to get into tip-top shape, and after that have a gym appointment, and then have some massive house clearing to do. I want to attack the bathroom first, without going into to much of it, when I clear my bathroom of filth, my world seems better. I can handle things, i don't hold on too much.

I now have the time to track food on fitday. And finish some projects. My days need to be broken up so that I actually go outside for a good portion-- either running errands or just getting out of the house. The stale winter heated air is no good to be in for too long.

I'm doing fine, but on the verge of slipping into a funk. I am pre-empting that with activity. Deadlines. Re-done resume by 1, gym by 2, bathroom cleaned by 4. Music playing no TV. No couch sitting. And drinking my 70 oz of water a day.......

And how are you? I want to thank everyone who gives me support and loves me. Thank you. You make this part go so much easier because I feel like I have a support system.

Keep on moving

I am hanging in. Smoking on and off. Wanting to quit, not wanting to quit.

It's Valentine's this weekend. I have for the first time ever, a Valentine.

(this is the part when I get the phone call and he breaks up with me)....... nope. The phone is not ringing. He is with me for good.

See, my world doesn't always have to completely fall apart.

Going on interviews, re-doing resumes. Breathing in and out. Applied for unemployment, will start getting that next week. And life goes on.

To the gym in the AM and then dog walking in the afternoon. And then a weekend with Mister.

I'm hanging in. Eating about 1800 cals a day. Not working out as much, but small steps.

What Did I Do?

Some folks who only know me from blog-space are inquiring, what did I do..... before the job was lost. So here goes.

I, in effect, ran a global training program for an Business Intelligence company that was not the CIA. If it were the CIA, I would still be employed. In fact it wasn't government related at all. I coordinated and managed training events-- from conception (we need a conference in Latin America) to wrap up (And here's three cheers from sunny Mexico City). I worked with experts in the field of investigations and intelligence internally, to get their experience translated to some sort of training-- either with interactive case studies for junior folks, or sales training for consultants for senior folks. I put butts in airplanes, butts in hotels rooms, butts in training rooms. I managed vendors and contracts, hosted cocktail parties, networked at meet and greets, remembered most everyone's name, managed a couple of international teams of admins to help the show run smoothly. I am, by all means, the most connected person at my former company. And everyone who worked with me knows that.

I worked with former CIA, FBI, international journalists, KGB, Secret Service, MI5/6, department of justice attorneys, DA's, think-tank-ers, French Intelligence, Spanish Intelligence, NGO, DEA (I know the guy who brought down Escobar), British Intel, Accountants, Japanese Royal Guards, corporate lawyers, military, investigators, consultants, gum-shoes, etc etc. At any given event, I was surrounded by people who during the cold war or coup were on opposite sides, and now because of my event, were drinking/dancing/laughing/learning together. I know some of the folks I worked with had extraordinary careers and lives prior to the company, and now their knowledge was being transferred to useful applications by me.

In essence, I got to host events, create training, and develop relationships with an extraordinary lot of folks who I will miss tremendously. I have had calls from around the world-- Japan, China, UK, Mexico, Brazil, Colombia, Argentina, etc, etc. I am missed.

I went to lunch with the Big City junior folks today. And I got to say goodbye in my usual fashion. With a drink in one hand, a smile on my face, and I'll see you again soon. I know I will.

And that is what I did. Makes me think I should write about the experiences I had.

Hmmm.

This week

This week has been both good and terrible. On Monday I rested up from Superbowl with a massive headache (I didn't drink at all) and watched movies. Just had a day off. Then Tuesday I got the news....

"As you know, the economy is bad and we are facing cutbacks. We are eliminating your position."
And so on and so forth.

I was okay until I realized I had to have health insurance. Had to. No questions, absolutely had to. I started bawling. The nicest friend in HR had to go through the package with me, and I feel terrible for her, because this is like the last thing she wanted to do.

So I packed up my things, said goodbye to a lot of people I love and who love me and walked out the doors with my head held high.

Yes, I cried. A lot. I didn't do anything wrong, but damn it felt like it.

Then I made a plan. Working my network, asking for help. Telling my folks wasn't easy, but they are super supportive. Then James came over and I cried and wallowed, but not as much as he expected.

Wednesday I got up, put on tennis shoes, went to the gym and worked out. Then worked my facebook, LinkedIn, my connections. Got phone calls from around the globe-- Tokyo, China, Brazil, London, Mexico City, Buenos Aires, Colombia, Hong Kong. Send resumes out to friends and co-workers for help, advice, consultation. Finally sat down to dinner at 7:30 and on the couch at 8. Fell asleep there.

Woke up Thursday, worked some more connections. Went to a great friend's house and played with her and the baby. Got baby hugs and kisses. Went to Dr. appt #1, got everything I needed there. Bought some candy (mostly sugar free) at Dylan's candy bar, and took the train home.

I feel great. I am not falling apart. Tonight I will Wii. In terms of food, I am doing super great. Eating at meal times, bringing snacks with me. Taking care of myself. And I am down a couple pounds.

I am sad I will not get the chance to see my co-workers turned into friends again. I don't know when I will ever be in far off places again. I am so happy for the ride-- getting to be on the great wall, seeing tango in buenos airies, hitting the disco in Mexico city, eating crossaints in Paris, shopping at Marble arch in London, sipping martinis in Shanghai over the Bund, sailing in Victoria Harbour in Hong Kong, swimming in the Mediterranian Sea in Majorca, sipping wine on the farm in BA, touring the war shrine in Tokyo, throwing plates at the Greek Place in Miami, shooting pool in Chicago, sweating it out in Minnesota, and boot scooting in Nashville. But what a great fucking ride.

Ahh, and life begins again. Thanks for the ping anon. I needed that.