I have been lying to myself. I made all this Christmas candy for friends, and have eaten some of it. Like a half of plate of fudge.
I am looking back over the year and thinking what happened. This year I lost just over 30 pounds, which I am super proud of, but it screams not enough. But it's just me doing the screaming. I have gotten down to a size 18 pant and a size 16 dress and a size XL top. And I feel good about my body, the strength of it, it's clean lines and curves that are much less than the curves of yesteryear.
So today is a day to remember why I had surgery in the first place. Because I wanted to feel healthy. I want to be someone who is a role-model, a machine. Who takes on challenges and calls out for help when needed.
Help.
I could make a list of all that I am going to do, but instead I am choosing to do one thing differently. I am only going to eat meals at mealtimes. Plan out my day of eating. I am not longer needing baby step nutrition, I get enough protein, so it's time to re-fuel when I have to. All sugar things have to go.
I am throwing away the goodies. Sorry friends. I love you, but I love me more. Neither of us need this, and if it's in my house one more minute, it'll be a bloodbath.
Merry Christmas.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
A Tree
Last night, James and I got a tree.
A really real Christmas tree.
We moved things around in the living room, some of which still have to be adjusted, but a tree up and started decorating. And then sat down to watch Survivor.
About half-way through, he got up, turned off all the lights (except for the tree) and said "I love just having the tree lights on." Me too.
I started crying. I looked into his eyes and said this:
"Last year when you were contemplating bachelorhood forever with a dog, I was traveling on a plane far away. At some point we both decided that our lives would be okay without a partner, without someone to love and love us back. And now we are here, celebrating Christmas together. I couldn't be more happy with you. Thank you for saving me from myself."
I asked what he saw when he looked at me. And his response is too glorious and too beautiful for words. When he asked me the same thing, I said "Joy, happiness, a little boy who is so excited that he gets all this, patience and kindness" He asked if I saw love, and I said yes.
I do see love. Every time I look at him. He is a cuddle monster of the n-th degree, he is warm where I am cold, he is cool where I am hot. His hair always smells good and my favorite place to kiss him is on his forehead. I want to take care of him forever, and want him to take care of me.
We are good partners, we project well together. We kind of fixed the sinking couch, moved a huge dresser, re-orged one room and still had time for kissing, napping and loving. He was feeling a little sick, and I did my best to take care of him.
But taking care of each other is hard too. Both of us smoke-- I still quit every day. Both of us like the sweet stuff. Both of us would rather couch surf then walk around. Activity is key-- walking, getting to the gym, etc. I haven't been to the gym in a month. I also have gained 2 pounds. And I'm still in a plateau-- hovering-- which I hate.
No proclaimations other than to take care of myself. And my James.
Pictures on the tree later. I've got a new boss and have to get into work.
Much love. And thanks Ms.Shelly. I forgot how theraputic it is to write.
A really real Christmas tree.
We moved things around in the living room, some of which still have to be adjusted, but a tree up and started decorating. And then sat down to watch Survivor.
About half-way through, he got up, turned off all the lights (except for the tree) and said "I love just having the tree lights on." Me too.
I started crying. I looked into his eyes and said this:
"Last year when you were contemplating bachelorhood forever with a dog, I was traveling on a plane far away. At some point we both decided that our lives would be okay without a partner, without someone to love and love us back. And now we are here, celebrating Christmas together. I couldn't be more happy with you. Thank you for saving me from myself."
I asked what he saw when he looked at me. And his response is too glorious and too beautiful for words. When he asked me the same thing, I said "Joy, happiness, a little boy who is so excited that he gets all this, patience and kindness" He asked if I saw love, and I said yes.
I do see love. Every time I look at him. He is a cuddle monster of the n-th degree, he is warm where I am cold, he is cool where I am hot. His hair always smells good and my favorite place to kiss him is on his forehead. I want to take care of him forever, and want him to take care of me.
We are good partners, we project well together. We kind of fixed the sinking couch, moved a huge dresser, re-orged one room and still had time for kissing, napping and loving. He was feeling a little sick, and I did my best to take care of him.
But taking care of each other is hard too. Both of us smoke-- I still quit every day. Both of us like the sweet stuff. Both of us would rather couch surf then walk around. Activity is key-- walking, getting to the gym, etc. I haven't been to the gym in a month. I also have gained 2 pounds. And I'm still in a plateau-- hovering-- which I hate.
No proclaimations other than to take care of myself. And my James.
Pictures on the tree later. I've got a new boss and have to get into work.
Much love. And thanks Ms.Shelly. I forgot how theraputic it is to write.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
