The Little Engine That Could

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Big Girl Insights

I got a really cool insight tonight. I wanted to share.

There is some stuff I don't want to share with anyone else-- mostly because we never talk about what I write to you, and although I hope you read it, it doesn't really matter after all. Other people in my life want to beat a dead horse, go over and over it, and mostly, I just want to say "blah" and have it be heard in the universe, the tiniest wisp of smoke, and then gone.

This is one of those things.

As you may remember, I am considering surgery for weight loss. It consumes a lot of my thoughts, but I don't talk about it. Another pattern, the things that are most important to me, I don't speak of. I am starting to talk about it. My mom and dad are totally behind it, so positive and encouraging, probably as much as they have ever been. My mom especially, because she knows what life is like for me, and she has gone through the surgery herself.

I am starting to talk about it with friends. I have a couple friends that are supportive of whatever I do "Sure, go ahead and be a ballerina, fire juggling clown--" etc. Then I have a couple that are not supportive but say they are. Small comments that dig, but don't hurt on their own. But gathered up like kindling, it's a fire of "Don't change". I realized today that those are the people I am going to have to let go of. My hope is that this transformation of body like the transformation of spirit can work itself into transformation everywhere.

I had girl day with C-- and a terrible massage. I hate it when people treat you like they are tenderizing meat, and it's a job vs. connecting with the body, the person, and understanding what is needed. This woman who was working on me was really trying, but our energies just didn't connect. She was distracted, and I kept saying to myself "it's okay, just be present to the massage, Kim. Learn the lesson. Whatever the lesson is." Well ya know what, sometimes the lesson is "Hey lady-- I'm a person, not a steak, so connect and fucking focus." I couldn't get past the clicking of the crystals around her neck-- all that earth to protect a lofty spirit. However, it must be a tough job-- I know from experience that I wouldn't want to connect or touch or give my gift away to just anyone-- and can't imagine showing up and doing whomever comes behind the curtain. Creepy.

I've turned into a bodywork snob. Great. Thanks TK.

Getting back to C-- we go to dinner, split a bottle of champagne-- because we're fucking worth it. Then we start talking about my surgery, and what are the steps that I have yet to take, etc. I got very scared. Because having this will have me lose weight regardless. My body will be forever altered. and it is what I want. But there is no more hiding. She pointed out dating will be a lot more fun, men will be more open to someone thinner. Totally agreed. But I am always going to be that girl on the inside. Why would I want to be with someone who wouldn't look at me because of my weight when I am thinner. As if who I am physically right now is wrong, and I am trying to fix it.


The up side is that I have always been very athletic, and now I get the chance to do more with this body. I'd like to swim all the time, and every better, maybe play a pick-up sport. I'm a terrible golfer, but I love volleyball and softball was a lot of fun. I loved tap dancing. Really, any kind of dancing, but tap was my favorite. It will be nice to sit on a plane with the armrests down. And no extender. And not to glaze my eyes over when I walk down the aisles for fear that someone will make a face or look at me with disgust. It will be really nice to take the armor off. Just take it off and stop holding onto it. it will be great to run, and have my feet take flight. It will feel great to get into child's pose and actually be in it, not actively, but passively.

But most of all, it will be great to be that person I know I have always been, but she has been protected by fear. For so long. This fear. This other physical me will have the opportunity to live without fear. Do something every day that scares her a bit. Get on the bike for spinning class. Actually run. Hike in the woods. Walk across bridges. Wear spandex at the gym. Sing out loud at a karaoke bar in my own country. Tell people I love them. Kiss more. Get off the couch and make plans. Have a Friday night planned. Don't settle for what I think I can have, but go for what I want. Be with this person I have always been, forgive her, love her, honor her and respect her. Pay attention to the big picture. Say how you want it. Have it my way.

I can't wait to shut up and be with the silence. Such nonsense just rattling around in my head. So this is the road I am walking on. The journey. I'll be quiet for now, but don't count on forever.


I broke out the colors tonight and created.
Opened my heart just a little. Took care of myself.
Melancholy. That's what it is. Wistful. Not aggressive, not trying to get somewhere or so something. Just floating.

I am only going to think about today for today.
I love breaking out the colors. The white paper and black pen and a whole new world to create.

I will have my dream by the end of summer. It will be well on the way to coming true-- husband, house, body, spirit and forever. I can feel it. Right now is just for me. How beautiful is that.

Oh oh, I just got something. Right now is the disco nap before the big night out. Now-- this part of my life. It's just the beginning of the awakeneing.

So awesome.

This is what crayons and a wine hangover will do.