A month between postings

This past month has been ups and downs. First the downs:

1) Still unemployed: it will be 1 year Feb 3.
2) Weight goes up and down in the 5-10 pound range. I am no longer WLS losing. I am now on the lifetime plan of losing and maintaining a loss of about 120 pounds. I would like to lose about 70 more pounds.
3) Serious indication of red-wine transfer addiction.
4) Smoking now. Had quit for over a month, and then right back.

Ups:
1) James proposed on Christmas with my grandma's wedding ring. I said yes.
2) Doing weight watchers with James. Now there is a bit of an end date in sight, and we collectively lost 8 pounds this week. We feel good. We have a winning outcome.
3) Created a vision and mission statement for my life. It was like a weight was lifted off me-- I now know what it is that I want to create in the world, and how I can accomplish it.
4) Re-energized on the job front.
5) Connecting with the spiritual side o f me. I love it.
6) Becoming a non-smoker by week's end.
7) Cobra paid for (thanks Obama) for another couple months. YAY!!!
8) Clean house, due to party on the 2nd. We threw out stuff and donated stuff and felt really really good about it.
9) Trusting in the man upstairs and myself. It has created a lot of peace.
10) Drinking much less. Red wine is not allowed in the house (if it's here, it will be GONE in a matter of hours). Since Jan 2 have had three glasses. Rather than the bottle a night.

As you can see, many more ups than downs. Yay me, I come out ahead.

As James and I were doing laundry last night, I realized something so important. This past year I have connected to so many people from a heart space, asking for what I need, not necessarily what I want. I have made decisions and choices that have given me time to understand my actions of past years. I've learned so many things about myself.

1) I am a great cook. I love to food shop and create wholesome meals.
2) I don't mind doing laundry, I just hate folding at the laundromat. So now, we bring it home and fold.
3) I have spent a lot of time connecting to James, my folks, my family and friends. All things I couldn't have done if I had that job where I traveled all the time.
4) There is a certain amount of peace in daydreaming, slowing down the pace of life, and being a good person. I had my priorities in making money, spending money, and talking about all the far-off places I've been.
5) I have so many great stories. I am working on the outlet to make them into something-- writing, art, movies, handbooks, poems, etc. I'm not committing to one thing, it's all and nothing at the same time.
6) I've missed out singing with the radio. At some point I got really serious. And now, my serious has given way to silly.
7) I can easily be swayed by opinion. Now I stay with mine, and there is no swaying.

I've got a wedding to plan for the fall. So far, so good.

I'm not sure how often I'll post. I've used this blog to get rid of so many demons per and post surgery. Now I am just Kim-- not fat kim, not skinny Kim, just Kim. If I never lose another pound, can I chose happiness? I think so.

WLS is a struggle. First with insurance and doctors and whatnot. Then struggling with yourself and feelings. Then with the "it's never enough" stuff that comes up. All I have is right now. And right now I want things to change, so I'll make small changes (no red wine, one special treat a week, take care of myself through exercise, no sodium Saturdays) not sweeping changes. And perhaps, just perhaps, one small change will make a difference.

I think back to when James and I met. I was a little burned from the last guy I was with, took a couple months off, and then just started looking again. I dated anyone that looked interesting, saying to myself a date is just that-- a meeting with someone to determine if you want to get to know them more. Not a big deal, just a meeting. When we met, we were relaxed with each other, and got to get to know each other. Neither one was looking to hook up, just talk over coffee and brunch. And that's what we did.

That little change-- from "is he the one" to "do I want to get to know him more" made the difference.
So if that's true-- with my health and fitness and weight I can go from "it's not enough" to "what will make me happy three hours from now". Sometimes it's sleep, sometimes it's a walk, sometimes it's eating a great lunch with protein and veggies. It's usually not a donut or ice cream or a pizza or sitting on the couch watching Law and Order. But it might be on some days.

Having this surgery made me realize that I crave gentleness in my life. I want to treat myself like I treat others, with kindness, respect, generosity, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and inspiration. Journey not desitnation. Long haul, not a sprint. Living in the present, accepting the past, and creating a new future.

Happy 2010. Begin again.