If you are a regular reader, please send me your email address by leaving a comment (which I won't post). I am going to go private with this blog because of circumstances beyond my control, and I would like to keep you as a part of my journey.
Sorry for any confusion.
You all have until Saturday May 10.
Thanks.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Completing April
Tonight I am headed to a friend's house to complete April. To kiss it goodbye. More updates on that later-- I wonder what I will get out of it.
Over the weekend I had what I consider to be a cathartic experience. I have been exhausted for so long, I was in NC and then I wasn't. I disappointed my family by leaving early, but I can't live my life for them. I have to do for me. It's upsetting because I only get there every now and again, but it was the best thing for me to do. I woke up in my own bed relaxed, I made good food I can eat, I went for a really long walk and saw a stupid movie.
I am still tired, but I am not so tired I want to cry all the time. I feel like I am doing okay as I prepare for the next trip. This one will be as difficult, but also twice as fun because it includes so many of my favorite people. And then back to NYC to sit and rest for a long while.
I woke up thinking about this: I will no longer be emotionally manipulated by the agendas of others. Tis true. No more manipulation. No more agendas. This is what you get. My mom really wanted me to stay. My aunt was disappointed in my leaving. My pop understood. I just can't suck it up anymore to make someone else happy. Me first. With no apologies.
Over the weekend I had what I consider to be a cathartic experience. I have been exhausted for so long, I was in NC and then I wasn't. I disappointed my family by leaving early, but I can't live my life for them. I have to do for me. It's upsetting because I only get there every now and again, but it was the best thing for me to do. I woke up in my own bed relaxed, I made good food I can eat, I went for a really long walk and saw a stupid movie.
I am still tired, but I am not so tired I want to cry all the time. I feel like I am doing okay as I prepare for the next trip. This one will be as difficult, but also twice as fun because it includes so many of my favorite people. And then back to NYC to sit and rest for a long while.
I woke up thinking about this: I will no longer be emotionally manipulated by the agendas of others. Tis true. No more manipulation. No more agendas. This is what you get. My mom really wanted me to stay. My aunt was disappointed in my leaving. My pop understood. I just can't suck it up anymore to make someone else happy. Me first. With no apologies.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Saturday, April 19, 2008
New Haircut
As a whoo-hoo for 100 pounds gone, and the start of something much healthier and fabulous, I got a grown up haircut.
It's pretty. It's stylish. It will never look like this again (after I wash it, it will curl and be short, and I will not know what to do, and I will probably cry). But for now, it's gorgeous.
Grown-Up
I had a date last night, kissed a cute boy in a bar for a couple hours. It was nice.
I was a total grown-up. I kissed, I had fun, but I felt no need to go home with said cute guy. He put on the full court press. I apparently outmaneuvered him.
When did it become okay for men to be disgusting on a first date? He was so pissed that I wouldn't go back to his place, and that I wouldn't let him come to mine that he said "I mean, you are really cute, and I had fun, but if you won't do (insert potentially degrading thing here) with me, then I don't know if this is going to work. I don't want a dead lay."
Oh yes, he really said that. ON A FIRST DATE.
I apologized (I apologized???) for not being interested in potentially degrading thing on the first date. I was no longer interested, and I went over to D's for a great night with the opera singers. And he went home to degrade his hand and potentially the face of another really pretty girl in a magazine.
Ahem.
I am looking to meet an attractive, single, tall-ish (over 5'9) man, with a job he likes, who is intelligent, funny, kind, generous, well-traveled (or at least knows about the world outside of his bubble), loyal and honest, who knows when to be a gentleman and when to be less than a gentleman. I am not looking for a Havard grad, nor am I looking for someone who is married to their job (or married at all. Did I say single, I mean single). Just a nice, normal-ish man who has boy qualities (likes to play, likes to have fun, likes to watch sports and hang out with the guys) and who has man-qualities (respects others, plays fair enough, pays bills on-time, knows his limit and respects others boundaries) and who wants to meet a sassy, smart, well-traveled, well-spoken, respectful ball of fire like myself.
Anyone.....? Anyone....?
I was a total grown-up. I kissed, I had fun, but I felt no need to go home with said cute guy. He put on the full court press. I apparently outmaneuvered him.
When did it become okay for men to be disgusting on a first date? He was so pissed that I wouldn't go back to his place, and that I wouldn't let him come to mine that he said "I mean, you are really cute, and I had fun, but if you won't do (insert potentially degrading thing here) with me, then I don't know if this is going to work. I don't want a dead lay."
Oh yes, he really said that. ON A FIRST DATE.
I apologized (I apologized???) for not being interested in potentially degrading thing on the first date. I was no longer interested, and I went over to D's for a great night with the opera singers. And he went home to degrade his hand and potentially the face of another really pretty girl in a magazine.
Ahem.
I am looking to meet an attractive, single, tall-ish (over 5'9) man, with a job he likes, who is intelligent, funny, kind, generous, well-traveled (or at least knows about the world outside of his bubble), loyal and honest, who knows when to be a gentleman and when to be less than a gentleman. I am not looking for a Havard grad, nor am I looking for someone who is married to their job (or married at all. Did I say single, I mean single). Just a nice, normal-ish man who has boy qualities (likes to play, likes to have fun, likes to watch sports and hang out with the guys) and who has man-qualities (respects others, plays fair enough, pays bills on-time, knows his limit and respects others boundaries) and who wants to meet a sassy, smart, well-traveled, well-spoken, respectful ball of fire like myself.
Anyone.....? Anyone....?
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Romantic songs notwithstanding.....
"....It takes emotional maturity to be capable of showing consistent, enduring love."
I read these words in my little white book today because I am looking for some kind of spiritual support. Because the last few days have been very busy, and good busy, but busy nonetheless. Our office is moving, and as much as I like change, I like change RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW than to drag it out slowly.
This just rings true to me. It takes an emotionally mature person to show love. Love, not romantic love, but love is what I am seeking in the bottom of that bag of cookies. As if that last one will have all the love I need for the day. I took my vitamins, and now I take my daily dose of love from the cookies, the chips, the other half of my breakfast wrap, the bottom of my coffee, etc. I can't decide when I am full, and then my body tells me-- too much, too fast and I throw up. I don't throw up often, but enough to know "You know better than this".
Yesterday I planned meals for 50-70 people for a conference that is two weeks away. Today I will do the same in Spanish for a conference 4 weeks away. I am trying to accommodate everyone's needs-- no cheese, no meat, no pork, no carbs-- and give them something for everyone. Everyone's needs but mine, because my need was to leave work at a decent hour, not eat a protein bar for lunch and go to the gym at 6:30. When I came home at 8, I had fantasies of chicken parm, chicken in lemon wine sauce, garlic cheese bread, and for sure I was going to order. I was going to order from the place down the street, eat my face off and then sleep well.
I took a moment. And thought about what I was doing. The bread takes up too much room in my pouch, the chicken will be good but too greasy, and oh-- YOU'RE NOT EATING CHEESE. Damn damn damn. I made a commitment to myself on the fools day, and I am not giving up.
I haven't been straight about my workouts-- from April 1 I have worked out 8 times. At the gym. And twice walking/ other activity. I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to do it right and be perfect, so shake up the etch-a-sketch, hit replay, power off power on, start over again. But no, it's not about starting over.
Where I am at right now is in the crosshairs of the bullseye. Underneath all the bravada of my words (Gym, Church, NO FRIGGEN CHEESE) is my desire to uncover, identify and release the behaviors that keep me in a state of "I'm not good enough" or "I'm not worth it". So here is a pattern. I start. It's perfect. Life gets in the way, I get tired, I don't want to. I do it anyways, then life really gets in the way. I don't, but go back, and maybe even lie about it. (Yes, those stairs are a workout, yes, swimming for 15 mins is a workout). Mainly lying to myself. Then I stop, but just for a rest, just for a day. Then life again (always ever encroaching on my fun) barges in and brings responsibilities with it. Son of a biscuit. So I go TOO BUSY< TOO BUSY and sit on the couch for a couple hours. Sleep more. Eat more. Stop being present to what I am eating. And it's now two days later, and I am tired and scared of the gym again.
Those skinny people really hate me for running on the treadmill. No really, every time I run, and they are walking, they go up just one more level to run. It's beautifully obvious.
Underneath all that-- I notice that I am the one that says how it is going. It doesn't mean anything that I can't keep my word to myself. I am starting again every day. I don't want to be the woman who paints a bulleye around her arrow and goes "I meant to do that". Because that's my friggen life. I haven't exercised every day, I am making it mean that I can't keep my word, that I can't keep a commitment, that I am not important enough to put myself first. And that covers up that no matter what I do, it won't make a difference, and I will always be this way, and I will gain weight back/ not loose anymore and I will have failed. That I am not enough, and that no matter what I do I am doomed.
I am scared, I am alone. I am not communicating. I feel crazy and sick. I am very tired and just want to pull the covers over my head and go back to bed. I VANT TO BE ALONE-- and I need to be around people. I am so lonely and doing this all by myself. I am angry and pointing the finger at anyone who is in my path.
Other people think I am crazy because I am doing so well, I am being inspirational, but they are just waiting for it to fall apart-- or have me fall apart. They are confused and annoyed. They have no idea on how to support me, because I am hiding all this crap. They are concerned, but if they show it, i will bite their hands/ heads/ feet off. And then eat a bag of chips, have a brownie, eat some cheese. They love me but can't show it, an dare scared to have the bigger conversations. They want fun Kim back, but she's gone.
I'm done with this. I can give up the alone, the crazy, the angry and just be where I am at. I can give up the idea of perfection, because I am perfect right where I am.
I invent the possibility of being a grown up. Because it takes emotional maturity to consistently show enduring love. And I am reflecting it all back on me first. I have to love myself, and treat each action as a love letter to me.
Being a grown up will have me live into a future that is bright and mature. I can still play little kid games, but that little kid doesn't run my life.
Emotional Maturity. Look into it.
I read these words in my little white book today because I am looking for some kind of spiritual support. Because the last few days have been very busy, and good busy, but busy nonetheless. Our office is moving, and as much as I like change, I like change RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW than to drag it out slowly.
This just rings true to me. It takes an emotionally mature person to show love. Love, not romantic love, but love is what I am seeking in the bottom of that bag of cookies. As if that last one will have all the love I need for the day. I took my vitamins, and now I take my daily dose of love from the cookies, the chips, the other half of my breakfast wrap, the bottom of my coffee, etc. I can't decide when I am full, and then my body tells me-- too much, too fast and I throw up. I don't throw up often, but enough to know "You know better than this".
Yesterday I planned meals for 50-70 people for a conference that is two weeks away. Today I will do the same in Spanish for a conference 4 weeks away. I am trying to accommodate everyone's needs-- no cheese, no meat, no pork, no carbs-- and give them something for everyone. Everyone's needs but mine, because my need was to leave work at a decent hour, not eat a protein bar for lunch and go to the gym at 6:30. When I came home at 8, I had fantasies of chicken parm, chicken in lemon wine sauce, garlic cheese bread, and for sure I was going to order. I was going to order from the place down the street, eat my face off and then sleep well.
I took a moment. And thought about what I was doing. The bread takes up too much room in my pouch, the chicken will be good but too greasy, and oh-- YOU'RE NOT EATING CHEESE. Damn damn damn. I made a commitment to myself on the fools day, and I am not giving up.
I haven't been straight about my workouts-- from April 1 I have worked out 8 times. At the gym. And twice walking/ other activity. I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to do it right and be perfect, so shake up the etch-a-sketch, hit replay, power off power on, start over again. But no, it's not about starting over.
Where I am at right now is in the crosshairs of the bullseye. Underneath all the bravada of my words (Gym, Church, NO FRIGGEN CHEESE) is my desire to uncover, identify and release the behaviors that keep me in a state of "I'm not good enough" or "I'm not worth it". So here is a pattern. I start. It's perfect. Life gets in the way, I get tired, I don't want to. I do it anyways, then life really gets in the way. I don't, but go back, and maybe even lie about it. (Yes, those stairs are a workout, yes, swimming for 15 mins is a workout). Mainly lying to myself. Then I stop, but just for a rest, just for a day. Then life again (always ever encroaching on my fun) barges in and brings responsibilities with it. Son of a biscuit. So I go TOO BUSY< TOO BUSY and sit on the couch for a couple hours. Sleep more. Eat more. Stop being present to what I am eating. And it's now two days later, and I am tired and scared of the gym again.
Those skinny people really hate me for running on the treadmill. No really, every time I run, and they are walking, they go up just one more level to run. It's beautifully obvious.
Underneath all that-- I notice that I am the one that says how it is going. It doesn't mean anything that I can't keep my word to myself. I am starting again every day. I don't want to be the woman who paints a bulleye around her arrow and goes "I meant to do that". Because that's my friggen life. I haven't exercised every day, I am making it mean that I can't keep my word, that I can't keep a commitment, that I am not important enough to put myself first. And that covers up that no matter what I do, it won't make a difference, and I will always be this way, and I will gain weight back/ not loose anymore and I will have failed. That I am not enough, and that no matter what I do I am doomed.
I am scared, I am alone. I am not communicating. I feel crazy and sick. I am very tired and just want to pull the covers over my head and go back to bed. I VANT TO BE ALONE-- and I need to be around people. I am so lonely and doing this all by myself. I am angry and pointing the finger at anyone who is in my path.
Other people think I am crazy because I am doing so well, I am being inspirational, but they are just waiting for it to fall apart-- or have me fall apart. They are confused and annoyed. They have no idea on how to support me, because I am hiding all this crap. They are concerned, but if they show it, i will bite their hands/ heads/ feet off. And then eat a bag of chips, have a brownie, eat some cheese. They love me but can't show it, an dare scared to have the bigger conversations. They want fun Kim back, but she's gone.
I'm done with this. I can give up the alone, the crazy, the angry and just be where I am at. I can give up the idea of perfection, because I am perfect right where I am.
I invent the possibility of being a grown up. Because it takes emotional maturity to consistently show enduring love. And I am reflecting it all back on me first. I have to love myself, and treat each action as a love letter to me.
Being a grown up will have me live into a future that is bright and mature. I can still play little kid games, but that little kid doesn't run my life.
Emotional Maturity. Look into it.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
5K
Who did a 5K today?
Yup. I did.
It wasn't outside, and it was not for a cause (unless "reduce Kim's ass" is some cause that someone is raising money for, but I doubt it) but on the treadmill , and it took me just under one hour, but I did it. I did it. And for part of it I ran (like 4 minutes of it) but it wasn't because I thought I should, but because I wanted to. My body was like "Okay, now we run" and off I ran.
That was cool.
Then my heart and lungs and knees said "Wait, stop, slow down a bit, umm, oww" and so I did. But I pushed a little first.
So the 30 day challenge is still going. I took a couple days off. I'm not beating myself up about it. Okay, I am a little bit, because why can't I be perfect and do perfect things and start the things I want to finish and vice versa. I guess it's part of the perfect make-up that's me.
5K today. And then tea with dear fabulous friends and then raise a toast to Mills, and then walk 25 blocks to almost home, and then grocery shopping and then home.
I feel really good. I feel really relaxed and very happy that I have had a weekend to just be and be relaxed. And get my nails done and talk to family and friends and finish my taxes and mail and whatnot. And take naps, long glorious naps.
Life is good. I walked a 5K. I might do it again this week.
Yup. I did.
It wasn't outside, and it was not for a cause (unless "reduce Kim's ass" is some cause that someone is raising money for, but I doubt it) but on the treadmill , and it took me just under one hour, but I did it. I did it. And for part of it I ran (like 4 minutes of it) but it wasn't because I thought I should, but because I wanted to. My body was like "Okay, now we run" and off I ran.
That was cool.
Then my heart and lungs and knees said "Wait, stop, slow down a bit, umm, oww" and so I did. But I pushed a little first.
So the 30 day challenge is still going. I took a couple days off. I'm not beating myself up about it. Okay, I am a little bit, because why can't I be perfect and do perfect things and start the things I want to finish and vice versa. I guess it's part of the perfect make-up that's me.
5K today. And then tea with dear fabulous friends and then raise a toast to Mills, and then walk 25 blocks to almost home, and then grocery shopping and then home.
I feel really good. I feel really relaxed and very happy that I have had a weekend to just be and be relaxed. And get my nails done and talk to family and friends and finish my taxes and mail and whatnot. And take naps, long glorious naps.
Life is good. I walked a 5K. I might do it again this week.
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